Worry

I’m pregnant.
The lines on the multiple tests I took show that.
The lack of a period shows that.
So why am I worrying that I’m not?!
Why do I feel the need to take another test to check that the line is still strong?
I always thought people were mad for taking multiple tests – false positives are almost unheard of.
But that’s not the reason.
I don’t disbelieve that I was pregnant, I disbelieve that I still am,
that this baby hasn’t slipped through my fingers already.
I took another test this morning.
Just to check.
A strong line.
My next official test for the clinic is on Thursday.
I won’t test again before then.
But I also won’t let myself believe I am pregnant.
I played these mind games with myself when I was pregnant with Jackson, and up until 30 weeks I didn’t let myself believe I was going to have this baby.
Maybe once I’ve had a scan, and there’s a heartbeat, will I let it sink in a little bit,
allow myself a glimmer of hope.
Then again, maybe not.
There is a long way to fall from a glimmer of hope.
I will take this one day at a time and see how I feel, but I am determined to enjoy this pregnancy, however long it lasts!

 

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  • An 'Angel Baby' is a baby lost during pregnancy or early childhood, who sleeps in the clouds instead of our arms.

    A 'Rainbow Baby' is a baby born following the loss of an 'Angel Baby', a beacon of hope after a storm, while not denying the storm happened.

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