First Test

Following the go ahead to try again from the hospital we decided we wanted to try right away but working out ovulation and things was not something we had ever worried about before, luckily there is an app for that!!
I took my first test today, 5 days before I’m due and it came back negative (or so I thought, after an hour there was an extremely faint second line… I know you aren’t supposed to go back to them due to evaporation lines but I’ve read these are grey and this looks pink to me!) I am holding onto the hope that it is early and I will retest on Monday hoping for a strong pink second line! I know we will be ridiculously lucky to fall pregnant the first month of trying but I’m always hopeful!

UPDATE: I took another test a few days later which came back negative.

Advertisements

Absence

So almost as soon as I started this blog we have decided to put off trying for a while. We have just moved into our new house and have a lot to sort out and set up and flat pack furniture to build, so with the stress of that I haven’t wanted to add to it.
Hopefully we will be settled in by the new year so we will start trying again in January.

PREGNANT!

So while we decided to wait on trying until January, on 1st December I threw up, I haven’t thrown up since I was like 9, except during my last pregnancy, during which Morning Sickness was like an old friend, but I figured I was just being incredibly hopeful, so I pushed these thoughts to the back of my mind, however as the day I was due to start crept closer. I started thinking “what if” and when I didn’t start when I was due, I texted my fiancé and told him to bring home a pregnancy test and as soon as he came through the door I grabbed them and went to do the test. Within seconds the test came back positive, though having not used this particular brand before I kept double and triple checking I was reading it right, sure it couldn’t have happened so quickly and especially when we weren’t even trying!

IMG-20131204-WA0043

The next day I went straight to the doctors to get them to book the early scan and early appointment at the antenatal clinic, they said they would get those sorted – hopefully the early scan will be before Christmas, what an amazing early Christmas present this is anyway, but it would be lovely to see a little heartbeat, I’m just waiting for the letters to come now.

I’m also booked into see the Midwife on 31st December when I’ll be 8 weeks 1 day!

Obviously after what happened with my first baby I am now terrified and will be holding my breath for the next 8 months! However I am going to treat this as it should be, as an amazing thing to happen, and hopefully with the hospital keeping a close eye on me and taking my aspirin (and discussing blood thinning injections) this should be an altogether different experience, hopefully I will be a mummy soon.

Check back for regular updates and follow me on Twitter @Trying2BeAMummy

Update

I haven’t blogged for a little while now so I thought I would update as quite a lot has happened.

Within a couple of days my little one had been nicknamed Shrimp so that will be how they will be referred to until I know if I am having a little boy or girl.

For those first few weeks I spent every day expecting to start my period, that I had read the test wrong, thinking maybe I should take another one and it would have all been a dream and it would all fall apart but as time went along I didn’t start, and at around six weeks I started throwing up continuously! There was no doubt then!

I feel rough, all the time, but I know that it means baby is ok. When I miscarried last time I started feeling better so everytime I throw up I count it as little Shrimp saying hello Mummy! I did panic over Christmas as I was AWFUL the 23rd, threw up six times and couldn’t eat anything, I went to my parents for Christmas early, towing the cat and all the presents and stayed in bed all evening, finally keeping down some stewed apple – the days before that had been better but I had spent most of them on the sofa as moving around seems to make me throw up. However over Christmas I was ok, throwing up a couple of times in the morning but then not even feeling slightly ill all day – I really panicked when I felt fine all day Boxing Day and was half expecting baby to have not made it, but Shrimp made themselves known the next day, and infact every day since! I get next to no warning this time so I am carrying a bowl around like a handbag at the moment. How glamourous!!
Anyway enough about Morning Sickness!

As I said in my last blog I had been to the doctors to get them to book an early scan and an appointment about anticoagulant injections, but after Christmas I hadn’t heard anything so was going to ring them on 30th – the first working day I was free after Christmas. On 27th I had a rather urgent phone call asking why I had not turned up to my early scan that morning…. Great. Turns out my doctors didn’t give me the message – the first in a long line of things they haven’t done for me recently but I will get back to that. So I was apologetic and rebooked it for 30th December.

So I turned up at the hospital for my early scan and after waiting for an hour (how do hospitals ALWAYS run SO FAR behind?!) I was initially asked why I had been told to have the scan and I explained I’d had a previous miscarriage, he then asked about the APS and why I had been tested for it with just one miscarriage! It took a while but eventually he realised it was at 21 weeks and that it was procedure to do it with a late miscarriage – SURELY he should have had a flick through my notes before he saw me?!! He then told it was going to have to be an internal scan as it was so early (8weeks) that was fine and I waited with bated breath to hear whether baby was ok, the doctor had the screen turned away from me so I didn’t have a clue what he could see and he wasn’t giving anything away, eventually he turned the screen to me and pointed the cursor at a tiny tiny blob on the screen and told me that his cursor was pointing to the heartbeat – yeah I couldn’t see anything so he zoomed in and on the tiny blob that looked nothing like a baby sure enough there was the flickering of a heart that I recognised from my previous pregnancy. I internally sighed with relief, hurdle one was over, baby had a heartbeat! He dated me at 7w5d making me due on 13 August. Unfortunately he didn’t give me a print out of the scan to keep but hopefully in this pregnancy the scan photos won’t be all I get to keep!

The next day I had my midwife appointment which wasn’t anything exciting, just filling in forms but she did chase up the appointment with the consultant that I assumed the doctors had booked (because they told me they were going to) but I hadn’t heard anything from them, turns out nothing had been booked, so the midwife booked us in for 7th January. She was lovely and really understanding and told me to go back every week if I needed to, just to feel reassured, which was lovely.

So on 7th I headed along to the consultant who was running very late, but we eventually got in to see her and she told me that there are two types of Anticardiolipin and the measure of mine that is high is not the risky one so they won’t be putting me on injections but to keep on with the Asprin. She also told me to go back after the 20week scan to see a consultant and that after that I will be having monthly scans to keep an eye on things and that it might be necessary to deliver early. She also prescribed me some anti-nausea tablets which hopefully work!!

And that brings me up to date! I shall try and update more often, but there’s normally not much to say apart from I threw up!! I will also take a tummy picture as I have a tiny TINY bump. I’ll try and show it’s growth!

Hectic Week!

Since I spent most of last week in hospital after an emergency referral from my GP I thought I’d catch you up.

About a month ago I had rung the doctors when I was 6weeks pregnant as a home blood pressure machine was telling my my pulse was 140, telling them that I could feel my heartbeat in my chest, I was overheating and shaking. I was told to come in and use the machine in the doctors reception that takes blood pressure height weight etc and pulse. It came out with my pulse at 64…it’s never been 64 In my life! I asked the receptionist how accurate the machine was and she said very and not to worry. I asked her to please let me see a doctor and she agreed to send the results through to the doctor and he would ring if there was a problem, I was confused as obviously the results are fine so he wouldn’t ring, I asked to please talk to the doctor, saying I just didn’t want anything to go wrong with this pregnancy and she agreed and put me on the computer in triage to get a call. I went home and waited, and waited and the doctor never called…I am so angry at this as by not taking any notice and practically being doctored by the receptionist my baby and my health were put at risk.

When I went to my antenatal consultant appointment on 7th January I was asked for a blood test to check my thyroid levels as I had previously had an over active thyroid and that’s a risk in pregnancy. I hadn’t heard anything so I assumed it was fine.

Morning sickness was getting worse and on 14th January I threw up blood. Assuming it was because I was throwing up so often my throat had got irrirtated, but wanting to check and to hopefully change medication to something else I went to see my GP.
He started by doing my blood pressure and his machine said it was slightly high and he questioned the pulse reading the machine had taken – he took it manually and confirmed that machine was right saying my pulse was 138. He also noted I was shaking and clammy. I told him I had previously presented at the doctors with exactly this but had been told it was fine and that a doctor never called me back. He asked if I’d had any bloods taken recently, obviously being pregnant I’d had the standard ones taken the week before and I mentioned the thyroid test. He looked up the results and told me the results had come back abnormal – over active. He was going to put me on tablets like I was on before, but he called the endocrinology department at the hospital to check which ones were safe in pregnancy and ended up talking to the consultant I was seeing for my check ups last time. She told him to admit me to the Acute Medical Unit and to send me up to the hospital at once.
Terrified at this point I went up to the hospital, had my blood pressure and pulse taken by a nurse and was given a bed. I then had an ECG which showed my heart was fine, just fast. I was told that 140 is a safe heart rate as the heart goes this fast while exercising, however it is not ideal for extended periods of time (I’m pretty sure mine had been that fast for about a month!) they said the likely causes were the over active thyroid, but that dehydration would also be causing the heart to work harder as the blood would be thicker and harder to pump so they put me on a drip.
I stayed on the drip until I’d had four bags pumped into me. I was transferred to the gynaecology department as they needed to look after me and baby and the endocrinology department would come up and see me. I was told to collect my wee so it could be tested for ketones each time I went and for my thyroid I was put on 200g of Propylthiouracil twice a day, which was later upped to three times a day as my levels were so abnormally high. I kept questioning whether it was safe for baby being on that high a dose and just kept being told it was worse for baby for my thyroid to be over active. I know there are slight risks with the medication of nose and throat abnormalities as well as giving baby an under active thyroid if the dose is too high but I wasn’t really given a choice for anything else!
I was also put on Ranitidine twice a day to help with the nausea but kept on the Cylizine. I only threw up once while I was in hospital and that was on my last night, however I was kept in bed apart from going to the toilet which I think also helped as I have found moving makes it worse.
They have kept me on the Asprin, however it is no longer the main focus and no one seems sure that Antiphospholipid Syndrome was the cause for me to lose my little girl.

On Tuesday they sent me for a scan to check baby was doing ok with everything that had happened and there on the screen only two weeks on from the last scan where all I could see as an oval blob with a heartbeat was a tiny human. Legs in the air, hands on its chest. It was such a relief to see Shrimp playing around that I felt I started breathing again! Only another 30 weeks to keep that little heart beating!

My ketones finally went down to nothing on the Wednesday evening however came back Thursday morning. They quickly went away again and the doctors didn’t seem concerned with a trace. At that point they were happy for me to go home. Endicrinology finally agreed to discharge me on Friday 17th.

I came home to my parents and have been taking it easy, I don’t want to go back to throwing up 6x a day but I need to test my limits of what I can do without throwing up!

Miscarriage Awareness

I used to think that pregnancy was the straight and exciting road from sex to motherhood, 2013 showed me that that wasn’t always the case.

I’ve always assumed that as soon as I took a positive test I just had to wait another 8 months and out would come a bouncing baby, and in the majority of cases that does happen, but I didn’t even consider that it wasn’t going to happen to me. Infact you don’t really learn about miscarriage until it happens to you and you go looking. It was never announced to me when I walked into my midwife office at 8 weeks, not to get too excited as 1 in 4 pregnancies ends in miscarriage and that actually, statistically, if I was that 1 in 4, that this would more than likely happen before my fist scan so I would never get to see my baby move… Luckily for me I had both my scans and everything was perfect at both, surely then, when everyone had said everything was fine NOTHING could go wrong. Indeed, the risks are significantly lower after 12 weeks – I didn’t do anything strenuous, hadn’t been in an accident so my baby would be ok, right? Wrong. I lost my baby at 21 weeks. She just stopped moving and her heart stopped beating. Three days later I was induced and did become a mum, but not to a bouncing baby – to a sleeping one who would never open her eyes or say Mummy. I am still a mummy today, just without a child to read bedtime stories to or to rock to sleep. I am still a mum, along with countless other mums who expected to bring home their baby but instead had to leave them at the hospital and return home with empty arms.

Miscarriage is a closely guarded secret by those it has happened to. There are those mums who have gone through it who are trying to get their stories out into the public but they tend to be the later miscarriages and people don’t listen because they don’t think it would ever affect them. I was probably one of those people and the stories passed so far over my head that I don’t even remember them, however every single one now stabs me in the chest and I feel all the pain of being told I had lost her all over again.
Early miscarriages are still as heartbreaking but people hide them, not announcing they are pregnant until 12 weeks so they don’t have to tell people that the little miracle growing inside of them no longer is (Not that you ever believe that you won’t get to announce). I had to. I had announced my baby girl to everyone. I had scan photos all over Facebook and I had to tell everyone what had happened. It was the hardest status I had ever written. I hope that in a way it has made my Facebook friends realise this could happen to them. I don’t know why my daughters heart stopped beating. It could happen to anyone at any time.

Since I lost her I have found places for people to go to learn about and talk about miscarriage. I read all their stories, and miscarriage and stillbirth aren’t as one in a million as you would like to think, as you would expect them to be, with the lack of public knowledge. I now walk down the street wondering who else is a little dead inside because they’ve lost a child. Some of your friends might have and you don’t even know because they lost them before 12 weeks and didn’t want to say. I’ve since talked to people who have lost their babies early on in pregnancy and as soon as they hear I lost my little girl at 21 weeks they backtrack and say it must have been worse for me. I’ll agree, it was terrible, giving birth to my lifeless daughter, but having heard the hurt in their stories, I will never say my pain was more.

Each pregnancy has it’s story, be it one with a happy ending or be a short one. Please don’t hide it away. If everyone told their story miscarriage would no longer be a surprise left to be dealt with by those who have been through it. If everyone talked about it more and made it more socially acceptable then maybe, just maybe, one mother walking out of that hospital with the crushing grief won’t feel quite so alone.

12 Week Scan and Consultant Appointment

Ok so I will admit I was up most of last night convinced something would be wrong on the scan today. That’s not because during my last pregnancy there was, but so much has happened in the last few weeks something HAD to have gone wrong, right?
I woke up at 8 to take my tablets like normal, but instead of going back to sleep for another half an hour I sat there wondering what they would see on that screen today, on my baby who is only tiny but who they can see small details of. After collecting a pee sample (what is it with midwives and antenatal clinics wanting your wee everytime?!) we had left the house by 8.50 ready for the scan at 9.50. Luckily we sailed through the rush hour traffic and were there in 20minutes. Using all my luck early, or a sign of a good day? Sitting in the car park I was frantically trying to drink enough to have a full bladder for the scan and all too soon it was time to go in!

Arriving at reception there are two windows next to each other, Ultrasound and Antenatal. I wasn’t sure which one to go to as I had both a scan and a clinic booked! The lady at the antenatal window called me forward and I apologised if I was in the wrong place, but she had a look and told me that I was booked in and to go and have a seat, that I would have my scan first and then I would see a consultant. Little did the poor girl know I would keep coming back to her that morning!!!!

I was called in for my scan on time (what’s going on, that never happens, like ever!) and was told it was going to be conducted by a trainee. ‘Oh great’ I thought. My last scan on my little girl was conducted by a trainee and she died a few days later. I’m not saying there’s a link, but maybe they pressed too hard, or didn’t pick up on something they should have? I will never know. Anyway this lady asked me to sit on the bed while they looked through my notes, they openly discussed them until the senior sonographer called the trainee over to the corner and pointed at a bit of my notes and I heard her whisper late term and then something about sensitive. I can only assume they had got to the part of the notes that told them about my miscarriage early last year. This bugged me, why did she need to whisper as if to keep me out, I do know about it, it happened to me! The trainee came back, lay me down, put the jelly on and proceeded with the scan. Initially as the baby came in to view on the screen all I could see was the shape, I stared and stared trying to see some heart movement, which the trainee quickly told me ‘so there’s baby with a nice heartbeat’ relief washed over me from my moment of panic and a few seconds later Shrimp had thrown their hand above their head as if to wave hello! There was a lot of wiggling of arms and legs, and hiccuping, until they tried to get the length measurement at which point shrimp rolled on their side and fell asleep. Fantastic! They tried every which way to position the scanner so they could measure the length, but eventually asked me to roll on my side, and then back onto my back to see if this had shifted baby’s position! I did offer to stand up and jump around, they didn’t take me up on it, though I’m pretty sure it would have been easier if they had. After three more ‘just roll on your side’ they decided they had the best angle they were going to get and proceeded with the measurements. Shrimp was 66.3mm head to rump which they said put me at 13 weeks (5days more than they told me I was at the 8 week scan) and that this made my due date 8th August. After requesting a couple of pictures we went back to the waiting room to wait to see the consultant.

After a wait which made us think they’d forgotten our existence we were called into a room where they took my blood pressure (which she said was high and asked if this was normal) and asked for my wee sample, she told me the registrar would be in soon, and disappeared. I didn’t count how long we had to wait but I’d guess it was coming up to an hour, and a hassled looking registrar comes in, sits down and says something about my thyroid being over active and asking if my GP put me on treatment… Now having stayed in that hospital for four days only a couple of weeks ago, seeing consultants left right and centre and being treated for an over active thyroid I would have thought that somewhere in my notes there would be something about it!! I gave her my copy of my discharge letter and she went back to discuss again with the consultant. We waited probably another 15-20 minutes and she comes back, finally seeming to know what was going on. She told me that the plan I already had in place, ie seeing a consultant after my 20 week scan, and then four weekly scans after that to check growth and for any possible clots in the placenta, possibly having an early delivery (up to a week early) and definitely not letting me go overdue, was still the plan. She then asked about the Antiphospholipid syndrome. I explained the last person I talked to didn’t think it was high risk therefore just to keep on the Asprin, but she explained that with as little information as they had (apparently they’d normally have asked for another blood test while I was not pregnant… Why didn’t they?) they were going to treat is as if it caused what happened last time and give me heparin injections. I am going to have to self administer these every day until delivery and then for a few weeks after to prevent unwanted clotting. She also warned it may cause nose bleeds and excessive bruising. I asked how I administer them, being willing to do anything, but also not having a clue what to do, and being the type of person who, although fine with having my blood taken, cannot watch. She told me she would get a nurse to show me how to do it. I was told to go and book in my 20week scan and consultant clinic, go have my bloods taken as part of the Combined Screening and to go to the pharmacy to get my injections.

Arriving back at reception with my note about which clinic I needed to see, the poor girl sat tapping away at the computer for ages saying she wished it was all a lot simpler! (Don’t we all!!) Eventually she managed to book me in on 20th March, for what I hope is the right clinic! At this point we popped to the ultrasound window to pick up our two scans we had ordered (one for each family) to only be handed one. Having already paid money for the tokens to get two scans the receptionist said to go and get my bloods done and come back and she would see what she could do.

Having my blood taken was the most relaxing part of my morning, and that’s saying something! I had a lovely conversation with the lady and, following normal routine, I looked solidly at everything else but the needle stuck in my arm. After this we headed back to the ultrasound reception hopeful, if nothing else they’d have been able to photocopy the one they had, however the lady who had done my scan had only just come out and they went to see what they could do. I was sent off to wait, yet again and about 5 minutes later was called back and given a second picture which I was told unfortunately the only one they had saved was the one with the measuring line on, though she assured me you could hardly see it… (I disagree) Thankfully the receptionist was lovely and gave us one of the tokens back to use next time, hopefully we don’t lose it before then!!

Having got all this sorted I returned to the poor antenatal receptionist and asked if it would be possible to have a nurse show me how to inject myself, as the registrar had promised. She assured me she would talk to someone and to take a seat. A seat I remained sat in for over an hour while the whole waiting room slowly cleared with people going to lunch. My mum and dad had offered to go and cash my prescription at the pharmacy while we waited so they popped down and when by the time they returned we still hadn’t moved we went to ask what was going on. The receptionist looked shocked and asked if we could possibly come back at half 1 as everyone had gone to lunch. I think it was about 1 by this point and having been within the hospital since 9.30 we politely said no! She went to see what she could do and eventually told us a midwife would see us and to please take a seat. I swear my bum was numb by this point!

The midwife came out and asked who wanted to know about injections as she didn’t have my notes so didn’t know my name, and took me and my mum to a back room where my fiancé politely refused to come. She got out a needle and told me where to inject, either side of my bump was recommended but could also do my arm, and then told me that I should do it. (Pinch an inch and stab the bit you’ve pinched, slowly release it and pull the needle out.) I stood with the needle at my tummy panicking and completely unable to do it. She eventually said she would do it for me and then I’d know how to do it… She stabbed it straight in, which I didn’t feel at all, then when she pushed the liquid into me it burnt. It hurt so much!! She took the needle out and told me not to rub it as it makes it worse. The pain lasted all the way to the car and out of the car park!

The midwife had told me I would need to go to my doctors surgery to get a sharps bin, so we decided to pop in on the way home, and I could also book my 15 week midwife appointment at the same time. I was told a sharps bin was a prescription item and that I would get a prescription by Tuesday. By which point I will have at least 4 used needles lying around with nowhere to go! I managed to book my midwife appointment for 18th February, so hopefully I will have a chance to have a little moan about the first few weeks of this pregnancy! My midwife is lovely so hopefully she will let me hear my little ones heart and tell me everything will be ok!

This has to be the longest blog post about a morning ever! It was a mammoth of a morning and I’ve not done much this afternoon! I shall be glad to crash out in bed!

Injections and Results

I thought I’d post an update on having to inject myself as it is the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do to myself.

I’ve always had an idea that I’d be able to do anything to look after and protect my baby, and I suppose I have proved myself right, if I was a bit more hesitant than I expected I would be. If I didn’t know that these injections have the potential to prevent another miscarriage I don’t think I’d be able to sit there every day at lunchtime with a needle hovered over my stomach.

I have an alarm that goes off at midday everyday so I don’t forget and as soon as it goes off I go and get a needle ready. I then sit on the bed, decide where on my stomach to inject, pinch a bit of the skin up and then technically I should just get on with it, in reality I sat for 15 minutes the first day with little voices in my head telling me I couldn’t do it, but I was also thinking about what I could be preventing and eventually with a quick movement of my hand the needle was in, it was not as easy as the midwife told me – it took a bit more pressure than I expected, and pushing the fluid into me took far more force than I would happily push against my skin, so having repositioned my hands I managed to push it in. I decided to do this slowly as I noticed the midwife did it fast and it really burnt. I have found a slower approach hurts much less (I will try anything to make this experience less traumatic!)

Today is now the fourth day of doing this and I managed to get it done in under 5 minutes. Don’t think for a second that I am getting used to it, I am definitely not, but I am speeding up the internal arguments about whether I can do it! I know I can! I found taking a deep breath and slowly blowing out whilst putting the needle in helped, not least to give myself a time limit before I had to get it in.

I don’t think I’ll ever be able to calmly do it as I have seen diabetics do with their insulin, but I know I am capable of doing it, I NEED to do it, therefore I would sit there all day until I plucked up courage!!

Today I also recieved my results from my downs syndrome screening which came back 1 in 1000000 chance. At least thats one less thing for me to worry about (and one less needle going near my stomach!)

Bump Photos

I got slightly over-excited when I noticed I was starting to ‘show’, so I have managed to take four ‘growth’ photos in 2 weeks!

The most recent photo shows the bruising on my tummy from the daily injections as well as a bump which I think is bigger than the first photo!

07/02/14
14 weeks

 

01/02/14
13 weeks 1 day

 

30/01/14
12 weeks 6 days

 

26/01/14
12 weeks 2 days

As Time Goes By

I am now nearing 15 weeks and am finding the panic is there, festering in my mind all the time.
I used a home Doppler on myself a couple of days ago and for the first time heard the magical noise of Shrimps little heart thumping away, and the panic faded, for a couple of days, and now it’s back.
I had tried using the Doppler a couple of times before to hear the heartbeat, but hadn’t been able to find anything. I had pushed the panic that caused away, knowing it was still early, maybe baby was too small to be picked up, or was tucked up behind my placenta, but the fear was there and I was slowly convincing myself that it was all over, every twinge in my tummy, instead of the growing and stretching of my uterus, was to me, the start of a miscarriage, the start of the downwards spiral, and that like last time, my body wasn’t letting go. Was keeping hold of my baby’s body.
But no. Atleast two days ago, my baby was alive and well. I know it was baby’s heart not mine because it was thumping away at a rate of knots that mine definitely wasn’t (I had my hand on my pulse as well, covering all bases) and baby was moving. Keeping the microphone in the same place where the sound was loud, it suddenly faded, and moving the probe across a bit it was louder again. I have a proper little mover and shaker and I cannot wait to feel the little kicks. I spend every evening with my hand clamped over my tummy determined to feel something. Sometimes half convincing myself that the gas bubbles popping in my gut are little kicks, and I suppose they might be, but until they are stronger and constant I will never be sure!
I am trying not to use the Doppler too much, limiting myself to once a week. This week I’m waiting for my midwife appointment on Tuesday 18th, where hopefully she will use hers and be able to give her expert opinion on if baby’s ok. I don’t want to use mine too much, as one, I’d be sat using it all day every day, and two, I’m not convinced how safe they are, so I’m sticking with limited use.
I also, touch wood, seem to have avoided the horrible experience of the incredibly heavy bleed I experienced at 12 weeks during my last pregnancy, a gushing of water thin blood poured out of me in 5 minutes then stopped. My 13 week ultrasound showed a clot next to the sac which no one seemed concerned about. Thankfully no such clot was picked up (or atleast mentioned to me or on any of the scan reports) this time around. Every little thing that is different to my last pregnancy seems to be a positive.

I am hopeful that this pregnancy will suceed, the doctors are only filled with positive comments and hope, but I find myself unable to think about Shrimp as a baby. Last time I imagined and I dreamed and I lost it all, it was a feeling I can’t describe. Not only did I lose this little baby who I inexplicably loved with everything that I was, even though I had never seen her face, I also lost the future I had subconsciously planned for her. The afternoons sitting in the garden, the walks with the grandparents. I found I had even imagined her going to school. All that future was snatched from me the second I lost her.
This time I am thinking of Shrimp as they will be looking at stage they are, considering the fact that even if I delivered now, they would have beautiful little ears, and fingers. I am focussing on being excited about the fact I’m pregnant, without giving myself a false future. I am more than aware that this miracle growing inside of me could be snatched away at any point and I am determined to cherish it, but I don’t think I will allow myself to think past a full term birth, to think about me holding a beautiful, moving, breathing, crying, screaming, kicking, baby until maybe a week before I’m due, at which point I know I will have 9months of mental preparation to squeeze into a week, but this baby is so wanted, will be so loved, that I’m sure that won’t be an issue.

  • If you are new to my blog then thank you for visiting, and welcome!
    Please take a look around, up the top I have divided it into posts about my Angel Baby, Effy-Mae, and my Rainbow Baby, Jackson, so feel free to just browse, or if you have a few hours to spare then please grab a cuppa and start from the beginning!

  • An 'Angel Baby' is a baby lost during pregnancy or early childhood, who sleeps in the clouds instead of our arms.

    A 'Rainbow Baby' is a baby born following the loss of an 'Angel Baby', a beacon of hope after a storm, while not denying the storm happened.

  • Follow Trying To Be A Good Mummy on WordPress.com
  • Enter your email address to follow this blog and receive notifications of new posts by email.

%d bloggers like this: