Grief Tore Us Apart

Losing a child has to be one of the hardest things for a couple to go through. Someone that was part of each of them and that was to be part of both of their lives has gone so suddenly and they each grieve differently for the same loss.
From my observations this can do one of two things to a couple, it can either bring them closer together, a shared experience, a need to protect each other and look after one another, or it can drive them apart, fuelled by misunderstanding and fear of the future.

My experience is that it has driven us apart.

My miscarriage has slowly broken our relationship. Grief has festered around it slowly breaking down everything we had together.
How we both dealt with my rainbow pregnancy was the final straw, our grief made us see it differently and that stopped us seeing eye to eye. I need this little boy, not to replace my daughter but I need someone to love, he said he did too, he pushed for us to try again, but when faced with the reality of another baby he didn’t know how to cope with it, he shut down and pulled away from me.

We tried so hard for months to make us work, to get past this, but in the end we have just lost too much.

And now I have to work out what happens next. I am going to be bringing Jackson into a broken home, the exact future I never wanted for my child. I will have to look into what benefits I can get and go out and get a job as soon as he is born. Again, I wanted to spend time with my son, I didn’t want to be one of the mums who never sees their child, but I have to make sure we can live. I have to be practical.

The last couple of days have been hard. Every time I wash my hands or pick something up and feel that my engagement ring isn’t there it hits home again, it hits me like a blow in the face that the future I had planned for my little family has come crashing down around me. I have found myself so often just sitting staring into space unable to comprehend what has happened and how so much can change in just a couple of days. I should be used to this, my future has changed so often in the last year.

So now I need to get my practical head on. I am relying on my parents to support me as I gave up my job during my first pregnancy as my fiancĂ© agreed to support me, and now I have a mortgage and bills, a house to finish before Jackson comes, and a cat to consider, not to mention I now have ALL the baby things to buy. This will have to be living on a budget, and a strict one at that. We won’t be rocking round the city in a Bugaboo pram but as long as it does the job the brand doesn’t matter, my son will be loved – already is loved – more than he will ever comprehend.

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  • An 'Angel Baby' is a baby lost during pregnancy or early childhood, who sleeps in the clouds instead of our arms.

    A 'Rainbow Baby' is a baby born following the loss of an 'Angel Baby', a beacon of hope after a storm, while not denying the storm happened.

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