It’s taken a while for the breakdown of my relationship to fully sink in. Although we were engaged, he hadn’t yet moved in with me so it’s not as if there is an obvious hole, that someone who was always there isn’t any more.
I find that it hits me more when I’m doing simple things and I’m wondering how I’m going to be able to do this in a couple of months time when it’s not just me anymore. I know I won’t be on my own, I have an awesome family and some fantastic friends and I’m sure Jacksons dad will be around, but the prospect of juggling a newborn and simple every day things like cooking dinner for example seem suddenly terrifying. I’ve always assumed that when I had my children I would be part of a family unit, that when I needed to do something I could pass a baby over to my partner, and indeed, this was the plan, but I’m suddenly realising how difficult this will be on my own. I’m counting on the fact that Jackson will sleep lots, atleast to start with. My parents have warned me that a shower will be a quick in and out while he has a nap, that’s fine, but what about if I need to do something urgently and he won’t sleep? Everyone has assured me that I will be ok, they seem so confident of this, but they haven’t ever done it, they won’t be there in the middle of the night when he cries and I am exhausted and I have no one to kick and make them see to him.
I know I will cope. I have to. Lots of people do. But the whole idea is absolutely terrifying, and reading blogs of people preparing for their babies as a couple is getting harder every time I read one. I wish that was me. It was meant to be me. I feel terrible that we planned a baby only to have the safe, stable, secure family unit we planned to provide for this child fall down around my ears. I will of course try my hardest to not let it affect him as much as I can, but I know it will. It’s not a great situation and definitely not one I would have chosen for my child.