Still Standing, But Still Not OK

I’d say that since losing Effy-Mae over a year ago I have now got myself to a point that 99% of the time I am ok. I don’t mean I don’t think about her, she’s on my mind a lot, more so now I have Jackson. Everything I do with him I think that I should have done this 10 months ago with her, but I have got myself to a point that most of the time I can think about her with a smile on my face, glad she was mine, but then there are the evenings like this one when something happens to make me think and I end up sitting up in bed in tears feeling like total crap.

Today it was a simple mistake the physio made, and my on the spot reaction. I had my appointment to check my tummy muscle gap after having Jackson and the physio had obviously seen in my notes that this was my second pregnancy, but not any more than that. She asked a few questions about it asking how quickly I had returned to shape after my last pregnancy and I told her quite truthfully that I hadn’t got that big last time, but didn’t explain. Later on she asked if my previous baby had been a boy or a girl. Again I had quite easily said that she had been a girl. But then later on she caught me off guard and asked how old my little girl was now. At this point I clammed up and I actually can’t even remember what I said but I mumbled something about not having another. And this is what gets me. I don’t know why I clammed up. I talk about Effy-Mae. I do! I have learnt when to bring her up and when to leave it to avoid awkward silences, but with medical people I talk about her. So why today did I not? Why did I clam up and not know what to say? Why wasn’t my response that I had lost her 21 weeks into my pregnancy? Why wasn’t that the first thing to come into my head?
I feel like I let her down today.

I am now sat here trying to find music to play to Jackson to see if it helps him to sleep, probably a stupid thing to do when I’m already feeling emotional after today, but I’m realising that I can’t listen to a lot more music than I thought. I avoided listening to music during my birth with Effy-Mae so I didn’t associate any music with that experience, but then I listened to music around that time, and other songs the words make me think of her and I can’t listen. I’ve pretty much avoided all music since that time, only using my iPod for audiobooks, but I didn’t realise how much the music would affect me when I did hear it.

Maybe I’m not as ok, as together as I thought. I know that this is the 1% of the time that I am not ok, that I can’t hold it together all the time, but I didn’t expect to fall apart over something so trivial. I just want my little girl here with me not only in my memory.

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  1. I know what you mean about music, even hearing music that was played a lot whilst I was still pregnant suddenly sends me right back, hoping today is a better day for you x

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  • An 'Angel Baby' is a baby lost during pregnancy or early childhood, who sleeps in the clouds instead of our arms.

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