2 Years

It has been 2 years since that fateful day that I heard the words ‘no heartbeat’

2 years since that night that I couldn’t sleep and so started watching the Apprentice on iplayer.
2 years since I tried to find a heartbeat on my home Doppler and failed.
2 years since the morning I received a parcel from my friend that contained a maternity tshirt with Jellybeans on (Bumps nickname) and I said to my mum ‘ I just hope everything is ok’
2 years since my mum told me to book in with my midwife but she was full.
2 years since the receptionist told me to ring the midwife number.
2 years since the midwife I talked to on the phone told me that it was common to stop feeling movement at 21 weeks and that I shouldn’t worry.
2 years since she dismissed the fact I couldn’t find a heartbeat on my home Doppler ‘because I didn’t know how to use it’
2 years since I cried on the phone and told her I was really worried.
2 years since she told me that I could ring and get an appointment at a midwife clinic ‘if I was really that worried’
2 years since I decided to drive my new family car that I’d bought for my impending arrival that I had picked up the day before.
2 years since I sat in that waiting room telling my mum and myself that it would all be ok.
2 years since the midwife started doing all the normal checks before asking why I had gone in.
2 years since she tried to find a heartbeat but her Doppler was low battery and it kept hissing.
2 years since she sent her trainee into sainsburys next door to buy some more.
2 years since I lay there begging my baby to move.
2 years since with a fresh battery the Doppler couldn’t find anything.
2 years since she called the gynae ward and booked me in immediately at the hospital.
2 years since I went to the loo trying to calm down and tell myself it would all be fine.
2 years since I came out and found the midwife telling my mum she could normally find a heartbeat so it didnt look good.
2 years since I still believed it would still all be fine.
2 years since my mums face told me it wasn’t all fine.
2 years since I phoned my fiancé whilst walking to the car telling him to get to the hospital NOW because ‘I think I’ve lost the baby’
2 years since my mum kept telling me to drive home so she could get her car and drive.
2 years since I realised that I was less shaken by this because I still believed it would all be ok so I should drive.
2 years since we sat in a waiting room for what seemed FOREVER waiting for a doctor.
2 years since the doctor called me into scan me and told me he never liked to hear of no movement this late on.
2 years since I thought about what the midwife on the phone had told me about it being normal. THIS COULD STILL BE OK.
2 years since I looked at the screen waiting to see movement like there had been at the 20 week scan less than a week before.
2 years since the silence and stillness told me what I’d been denying myself to believe.
2 years since the doctor told me there was no heartbeat.
2 years since I screamed.
2 years since they left us alone.
2 years since I cried on my mum harder than I’d ever cried before.
2 years since my mum told me my fiancé was hurting too.
2 years since I hugged him and felt him crumple on me.
2 years since I realised I had to be strong.
2 years since they came in and discussed next steps.
2 years since they told me I had to deliver my baby.
2 years since i asked if the doctor could check if i was having a boy or a girl as they had kept their legs crossed at the scan the week earlier.
2 years since he still couldnt tell but assured me that they would find out one way or another.
2 years since he told me that the evidence showed my baby had been dead for about 3 days which was how long i thought i hadnt felt any movement.
2 years since I texted my dad from the hospital bed.
2 years since I texted my brothers and told them their niece or nephew had died.
2 years since I texted my friends and told them I’d lost my baby.
2 years since I was given a tablet and sent home.
2 years since I drove home still totally together because I still didn’t believe it had happened.
2 years since we stopped for fish and chips.
2 years since we got home and I saw my dad and he crumpled.
2 years since I gave him a hug and though he was comforting me I felt like i was comforting him.
2 years since I had to be strong because my world was collapsing around me.
2 years since I wrote a facebook status saying what had happened.
2 years since I sent my fiance home.
2 years since my mum spent the night in my bed with my for the first time since I was a child.
2 years since I sobbed and sobbed because it was finally dawning on me.
2 years since the world as I knew it ended and I had to be strong.

2 years may have gone by but that day will be etched in my memory forever. The day I found out my body had failed me and that my baby had died.



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  1. Hugs. My two years is coming up next week.

    Wha a beautiful, tiny hand. I’m glad you got to see her, painful though it may have been. Wishing you strength and hoping you can be kind to yourself today.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thankyou. Yeah I got great comfort from seeing her and am so glad I got the chance, she truly was tiny! Yesterday wasn’t as hard as I imagined, I think my emotions are saving up for her birthday in a few days time!
      Hugs for your two years, stay strong, anniversarys are always hard.


  2. My two years was on March 17th. St. Patrick’s Day will always bring me some very bad memories. So sorry for your loss x


    • Oh gosh that must be so hard it being on a day for celebration for everyone else, when all you want to do is curl up! I’m so sorry you know this pain.
      Thankyou for reading my post.



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  • An 'Angel Baby' is a baby lost during pregnancy or early childhood, who sleeps in the clouds instead of our arms.

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