2 Years

It has been 2 years since that fateful day that I heard the words ‘no heartbeat’

2 years since that night that I couldn’t sleep and so started watching the Apprentice on iplayer.
2 years since I tried to find a heartbeat on my home Doppler and failed.
2 years since the morning I received a parcel from my friend that contained a maternity tshirt with Jellybeans on (Bumps nickname) and I said to my mum ‘ I just hope everything is ok’
2 years since my mum told me to book in with my midwife but she was full.
2 years since the receptionist told me to ring the midwife number.
2 years since the midwife I talked to on the phone told me that it was common to stop feeling movement at 21 weeks and that I shouldn’t worry.
2 years since she dismissed the fact I couldn’t find a heartbeat on my home Doppler ‘because I didn’t know how to use it’
2 years since I cried on the phone and told her I was really worried.
2 years since she told me that I could ring and get an appointment at a midwife clinic ‘if I was really that worried’
2 years since I decided to drive my new family car that I’d bought for my impending arrival that I had picked up the day before.
2 years since I sat in that waiting room telling my mum and myself that it would all be ok.
2 years since the midwife started doing all the normal checks before asking why I had gone in.
2 years since she tried to find a heartbeat but her Doppler was low battery and it kept hissing.
2 years since she sent her trainee into sainsburys next door to buy some more.
2 years since I lay there begging my baby to move.
2 years since with a fresh battery the Doppler couldn’t find anything.
2 years since she called the gynae ward and booked me in immediately at the hospital.
2 years since I went to the loo trying to calm down and tell myself it would all be fine.
2 years since I came out and found the midwife telling my mum she could normally find a heartbeat so it didnt look good.
2 years since I still believed it would still all be fine.
2 years since my mums face told me it wasn’t all fine.
2 years since I phoned my fiancé whilst walking to the car telling him to get to the hospital NOW because ‘I think I’ve lost the baby’
2 years since my mum kept telling me to drive home so she could get her car and drive.
2 years since I realised that I was less shaken by this because I still believed it would all be ok so I should drive.
2 years since we sat in a waiting room for what seemed FOREVER waiting for a doctor.
2 years since the doctor called me into scan me and told me he never liked to hear of no movement this late on.
2 years since I thought about what the midwife on the phone had told me about it being normal. THIS COULD STILL BE OK.
2 years since I looked at the screen waiting to see movement like there had been at the 20 week scan less than a week before.
2 years since the silence and stillness told me what I’d been denying myself to believe.
2 years since the doctor told me there was no heartbeat.
2 years since I screamed.
2 years since they left us alone.
2 years since I cried on my mum harder than I’d ever cried before.
2 years since my mum told me my fiancé was hurting too.
2 years since I hugged him and felt him crumple on me.
2 years since I realised I had to be strong.
2 years since they came in and discussed next steps.
2 years since they told me I had to deliver my baby.
2 years since i asked if the doctor could check if i was having a boy or a girl as they had kept their legs crossed at the scan the week earlier.
2 years since he still couldnt tell but assured me that they would find out one way or another.
2 years since he told me that the evidence showed my baby had been dead for about 3 days which was how long i thought i hadnt felt any movement.
2 years since I texted my dad from the hospital bed.
2 years since I texted my brothers and told them their niece or nephew had died.
2 years since I texted my friends and told them I’d lost my baby.
2 years since I was given a tablet and sent home.
2 years since I drove home still totally together because I still didn’t believe it had happened.
2 years since we stopped for fish and chips.
2 years since we got home and I saw my dad and he crumpled.
2 years since I gave him a hug and though he was comforting me I felt like i was comforting him.
2 years since I had to be strong because my world was collapsing around me.
2 years since I wrote a facebook status saying what had happened.
2 years since I sent my fiance home.
2 years since my mum spent the night in my bed with my for the first time since I was a child.
2 years since I sobbed and sobbed because it was finally dawning on me.
2 years since the world as I knew it ended and I had to be strong.

2 years may have gone by but that day will be etched in my memory forever. The day I found out my body had failed me and that my baby had died.

 

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4 Comments

  1. Hugs. My two years is coming up next week.

    Wha a beautiful, tiny hand. I’m glad you got to see her, painful though it may have been. Wishing you strength and hoping you can be kind to yourself today.

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply
    • Thankyou. Yeah I got great comfort from seeing her and am so glad I got the chance, she truly was tiny! Yesterday wasn’t as hard as I imagined, I think my emotions are saving up for her birthday in a few days time!
      Hugs for your two years, stay strong, anniversarys are always hard.
      X

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      Reply
  2. My two years was on March 17th. St. Patrick’s Day will always bring me some very bad memories. So sorry for your loss x

    Like

    Reply
    • Oh gosh that must be so hard it being on a day for celebration for everyone else, when all you want to do is curl up! I’m so sorry you know this pain.
      Thankyou for reading my post.
      X

      Like

      Reply

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  • An 'Angel Baby' is a baby lost during pregnancy or early childhood, who sleeps in the clouds instead of our arms.

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