I am now nearing 15 weeks and am finding the panic is there, festering in my mind all the time.
I used a home Doppler on myself a couple of days ago and for the first time heard the magical noise of Shrimps little heart thumping away, and the panic faded, for a couple of days, and now it’s back.
I had tried using the Doppler a couple of times before to hear the heartbeat, but hadn’t been able to find anything. I had pushed the panic that caused away, knowing it was still early, maybe baby was too small to be picked up, or was tucked up behind my placenta, but the fear was there and I was slowly convincing myself that it was all over, every twinge in my tummy, instead of the growing and stretching of my uterus, was to me, the start of a miscarriage, the start of the downwards spiral, and that like last time, my body wasn’t letting go. Was keeping hold of my baby’s body.
But no. Atleast two days ago, my baby was alive and well. I know it was baby’s heart not mine because it was thumping away at a rate of knots that mine definitely wasn’t (I had my hand on my pulse as well, covering all bases) and baby was moving. Keeping the microphone in the same place where the sound was loud, it suddenly faded, and moving the probe across a bit it was louder again. I have a proper little mover and shaker and I cannot wait to feel the little kicks. I spend every evening with my hand clamped over my tummy determined to feel something. Sometimes half convincing myself that the gas bubbles popping in my gut are little kicks, and I suppose they might be, but until they are stronger and constant I will never be sure!
I am trying not to use the Doppler too much, limiting myself to once a week. This week I’m waiting for my midwife appointment on Tuesday 18th, where hopefully she will use hers and be able to give her expert opinion on if baby’s ok. I don’t want to use mine too much, as one, I’d be sat using it all day every day, and two, I’m not convinced how safe they are, so I’m sticking with limited use.
I also, touch wood, seem to have avoided the horrible experience of the incredibly heavy bleed I experienced at 12 weeks during my last pregnancy, a gushing of water thin blood poured out of me in 5 minutes then stopped. My 13 week ultrasound showed a clot next to the sac which no one seemed concerned about. Thankfully no such clot was picked up (or atleast mentioned to me or on any of the scan reports) this time around. Every little thing that is different to my last pregnancy seems to be a positive.

I am hopeful that this pregnancy will suceed, the doctors are only filled with positive comments and hope, but I find myself unable to think about Shrimp as a baby. Last time I imagined and I dreamed and I lost it all, it was a feeling I can’t describe. Not only did I lose this little baby who I inexplicably loved with everything that I was, even though I had never seen her face, I also lost the future I had subconsciously planned for her. The afternoons sitting in the garden, the walks with the grandparents. I found I had even imagined her going to school. All that future was snatched from me the second I lost her.
This time I am thinking of Shrimp as they will be looking at stage they are, considering the fact that even if I delivered now, they would have beautiful little ears, and fingers. I am focussing on being excited about the fact I’m pregnant, without giving myself a false future. I am more than aware that this miracle growing inside of me could be snatched away at any point and I am determined to cherish it, but I don’t think I will allow myself to think past a full term birth, to think about me holding a beautiful, moving, breathing, crying, screaming, kicking, baby until maybe a week before I’m due, at which point I know I will have 9months of mental preparation to squeeze into a week, but this baby is so wanted, will be so loved, that I’m sure that won’t be an issue.