21 weeks

So today I turned 21 weeks pregnant.
21 weeks is the stage in my pregnancy I lost my little girl. Could this week end the same as last time?
I’m not sure how I’m supposed to deal with this week. Every time I stop feeling Jackson move I know I’ll panic, every evening I sit down and he doesn’t start kicking straight away I’ll freak out.
Jacksons kicks are already stronger than Effys-Maes ever were – big butch boy I have here! I know that’ll mean that it won’t take me three days to notice I haven’t felt him moving, infact I’m so hyper aware of his movements that I know within a few minutes if he hasn’t started kicking when he normally would. So does this mean I will be spending my week constantly at the midwife unnecessarily? Or do I ignore the rising panic in my throat everytime I don’t feel him and just believe that everything will be fine.
It’s hard to keep faith in that fact. I worried right up to the 20 week scan last time, then when I heard everything was perfect I relaxed. I ended up relaxing for less than a week before I found out I’d lost her – I had faith everything would remain fine and my world tipped upside down. So I’m not sure how I will cope with this week, or any week after this week if truth be told. I think even if we get through this one I will spend the next week, and the next, waiting for things to catch up with me.
The midwife told me at my 8 week appointment that I wouldn’t relax until I got past this point in the pregnancy – I told her I wouldn’t relax until I had given birth, and I’m pretty sure I was right.
I still haven’t imagined a future with this baby. I’m not sure if that’s a success on my brains part of blocking out all images of baby, or a massive failing in my role as mum. I haven’t given myself a chance to bond with this baby in the same way I did in my first pregnancy. I haven’t imagined my baby past the stage they are now. Right now I know exactly what he would look like if I delivered him, and that’s all I dare imagine, I’m not hoping it will happen, just mentally preparing myself for if it does.
However, I haven’t actually told myself I’m having a baby. I know that if I get to full term and deliver a baby I will have 9 months of bonding to do in about a second, and that it will be a total shock to me. I think I am going to have to start letting this guard down a bit when I start shopping. I think at the point that I go shopping, I’m thinking about 36weeks, I will need to have some belief I will be bringing a baby home to look after, to feed and to sing to.  I’ve been denying myself that for months and it will be hard to suddenly convince myself that’s the case.
I am sure that this week will pass, as all the other before it have, with no dramas and no excitement, but I think that knowing what happened last time I will be spending this week on edge, waiting for something to go wrong, while hoping nothing does.

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  • An 'Angel Baby' is a baby lost during pregnancy or early childhood, who sleeps in the clouds instead of our arms.

    A 'Rainbow Baby' is a baby born following the loss of an 'Angel Baby', a beacon of hope after a storm, while not denying the storm happened.

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