Since I became pregnant I have been having dreams. I know they say you always dream but some people just don’t remember them, well I never remember them. I could probably list the amount of dreams I’ve remembered in my life, but since becoming pregnant I regularly remember them, though details slip away soon after I wake up.
The majority of them have been ridiculous and really random – school trips with people I didn’t like, or monsters attacking me, I can normally link them to something that’s triggered it for example a TV show or talking about something the previous day, but the other night I had a dream that shook me to the core – I dreamt I lost Jackson.
I know what brought it on, this week my fear and expectation of losing him has been heightened, and obviously it has spread to my subconscious. Unfortunately I didn’t wake up until the dream had finished, however when I did wake up I refused to open my eyes believing if I did I would find that it had all really happened. I lay there refusing to wake up properly for ages, until I felt him kicking away inside me and I breathed a sigh of relief when I realised it wasn’t real. Only at that point did I start to deconstruct the dream and realise that the nurses wouldn’t treat me in my own bedroom, and a few other random things that you just accept in dreams, but at the time it seemed so real that although I didn’t wake up, I was exhausted the next day, clearly having used up my energy already!
The dream, however awful and genuinely traumatic even though it wasn’t real, did make me realise how much I love this little man. I’ve been wondering if the fact I haven’t been bonding in the same way I did last time will have affected how I love him, but I realise now that I would do anything for him already. His strong kicks make me feel closer to him each time I feel them, and I am so grateful to him for giving me that amazing reassurance every day that he is still there and fighting.

So from now on I think I’m going to have to start relaxing and clearing my mind before bedtime to stop myself dreaming of things that have been worrying me, as obviously if it is something that’s worrying me anyway, it’s so much worse to then go through it, even if it is all in my head!

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  • An 'Angel Baby' is a baby lost during pregnancy or early childhood, who sleeps in the clouds instead of our arms.

    A 'Rainbow Baby' is a baby born following the loss of an 'Angel Baby', a beacon of hope after a storm, while not denying the storm happened.

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