I suppose it was always to be expected after losing my last pregnancy that I would be overprotective about this one, but I don’t think I could ever have known how much that would affect my day to day life.
I analyse everything that I do – read up about it, check all ingredients etc.
I do the simple and obvious things, I avoid alcohol, caffeine, raw eggs (avoiding raw cake mix is a killer when making a cake!) and all the other common knowledge things. This isn’t anything different or new, I did this in my last pregnancy too. But there are other things, less normal, less rational things.
During my last pregnancy I was driving 65miles a day commuting to and from work, during this pregnancy I worry when I have to drive 5miles. Driving had nothing to do with me losing my baby, there is no rational reason for this, but even when I get a lift with someone else I spend the entire journey braced stiffly in my seat with my seatbelt held away from my tummy just incase we crash and when I’m driving I dread starting off, drive so carefully people probably hate me, and breathe a massive sigh of relief when I get out of the car.
That’s not the most ridiculous – I wake many times during the night, not because I’m uncomfortable, not because I need the loo, but to check I am sleeping in the right positions, that I’m not on my back, that I’m not accidentally doing something to endanger my baby.
I refuse to move out of my bed in the morning until I have felt him move. I will lie there sometimes for half an hour or more talking to him just waiting for him to move and reassure me that he survived the night. Every morning.
Life has taken on a new angle during this pregnancy. Doing what I want doesn’t matter any more (I suppose this is good practise for him arriving), but if it’s not safe for baby then I won’t risk it. I am terrified of everything going wrong, no, I’m terrified of everything. I’m terrified of losing another baby and I’m terrified of it being my fault.
I know that when he is born I will continue worrying but about a whole new set of things, that I won’t let him out of my sight and that I will check on him very 5 minutes when he’s asleep, but I cannot wait for this new set of challenges.