Regrets

I’m trying to stop myself regretting things and I think it’s finally sinking in.

I have done lots of things in my life I should regret, I’ve lost friends, left jobs, liked people I shouldn’t, bought things, spent time on people I shouldn’t but if I hadn’t then my life wouldn’t be where it is now. Without each small mistake I might be in an entirely different place right now. I might not have met the people who make my life so great today, might not have Jackson, so I can’t regret anything. This boy is worth all the pain all the upset, all the time I’ve spent thinking about my mistakes. I’d do it all again if I knew he was the result.

Up until I had him I didn’t know why I was here, what life was all about. I never wanted a career, I never got really passionate about anything, I’m not religious and I’ve never been so in love with someone that I could pour my whole heart and soul into that, so I never really ‘got’ life as such, but here it is, here he is, my reason for being here, for life. My friend put it quite well, she pointed out that when everyone at school was filling in their personal statements for uni, I didn’t, because I knew what I wanted to do and here I am now, doing it! Being a mummy!

These last 9 months have made me happier than I have ever been in my whole entire life! I’ve never been a happy person, especially not since losing Effy-Mae, but I haven’t had a day that I haven’t cracked a smile since Jackson was born. I have barely taken a photo in which I’m not smiling (and trust me, a picture with a smile in was rare before!)

However grumpy or shouty Jackson is he is the best thing to ever happen to me! I have bad days where I’m not as smiley and bubbly, of course I do, I’m human, but I will always find a reason to smile in the end, even if it is just because Jackson giggled. (The most incredible sound in the world, by the way!)

So I can’t regret anything in my life because every tiny decision in so far has led me to where I am now, and I have never been happier.

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  • An 'Angel Baby' is a baby lost during pregnancy or early childhood, who sleeps in the clouds instead of our arms.

    A 'Rainbow Baby' is a baby born following the loss of an 'Angel Baby', a beacon of hope after a storm, while not denying the storm happened.

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