Everyone says that you lose friends when you have a baby, but I never believed them. My group of friends was tight-knit. I’d known them mostly since I was 11 so they had stood the test of time.
When I was pregnant with Effy-Mae they were excited – almost as excited as me, and when I lost her they were all there for me, coming back from far afield to see me before I went in to deliver her. I texted them throughout my labour, they kept me strong after, assuring me they were always there. I threw myself into the friendships then, talking more and we became even closer.
When I announced I was pregnant again, they were the first to know, at the same time as my parents. Throughout the pregnancy they got more and more excited, sending me pictures of clothes they had bought him, liking all the photos I put on Facebook, following my Twitter and blog for updates, assuring me that they’d see him as soon as he was born. They seemed as excited as me. When I broke up with Jacksons dad they supported me through it and filled that emotional void in my life.
After he was born some stuck to their words and see him as often as possible. Others have absolutely broken my heart. Those I considered my best friends have only just seen come to him at 5months old – others still haven’t seen him. I don’t know what changed, what made them suddenly not want to know, but even when I send them pictures of him (very occasionally as there seems little point) they rarely even comment so much as an aww they just change the subject.
I’ve tried since he was born to make new friends with mums of babies the same age, for his sake as much as mine, but that doesn’t seem to be going so well either.
I’m lonely.
My New Years resolution is to find new friends and I’m joining lots of groups to try to make this become a reality because I can’t go on having the only conversations with adults being with my parents or via whatsapp!
All posts in category Single Mum
Friends
Posted by TryingToBeAMummy on Sunday 25th January 2015
https://tryingtobeamummy.com/2015/01/25/friends/
How Did He Grow Up So Fast?
Jackson is 6 Months old on Wednesday.
How did that happen?
He is not my newborn baby boy of the summer anymore. He is into everything and will, I reckon, soon be crawling – he’s already dragging himself around with his arms. He will be starting to wean on Wednesday, leaving the complete reliance of breastfeeding behind. He will soon be sitting in his high chair, throwing mushed up vegetables at my walls!
It doesn’t seem 5 minutes since I was hugely pregnant, struggling to breastfeed, worrying about taking him out and about, but on the other hand it seems like a lifetime ago. I am so used to him now I can normally tell what he wants and when he will want it before he asks.
He has grown so much – newborn clothes used to be too big for him, but now he’s firmly in 3-6month clothes, even outgrowing some of them! His once skinny legs are chubby and his face has filled out no end. He is now a properly handsome boy – even if I do say so myself!
He hasn’t started teething yet however they are bothering him as he dribbles a lot and is shoving everything in his mouth. I think this is also affecting his sleeping as he uses me as a comfort blanket when things get sore. I’m trying not to dose him up on teething gels and Calpol however sometimes it is unavoidable as he’s been screaming in pain.
He’s been rolling over for weeks, can pick up his dummy and put it back in his mouth and he started clapping on Christmas Day!
He’s always preferred being stood up since he was tiny, but now he stands up with minimal support and he bounces like mad too! His new nickname is Tigger!
I have bought him a ‘Baby Bud’ booster seat from Mamas and Papas ready for weaning which he has been enjoying with his activity tray since Christmas. It stores nicely on a dining chair thus taking up no extra room which is handy in a small house. He seems to enjoy it and manages to sit up with only a little support on his lower back. I don’t think it’ll be long until he’s sitting unaided.
Watching him grow and develop so quickly is amazing. He is fast becoming his own person. He hates being still – we started baby massage and while all the other babies are lying there quite happily he wants to be rolling over and seeing what’s going on and what there is to play with! It’s kind of annoying that he doesn’t like baby massage but it’s amazing to see him so much more into things than the other babies of the same age. Something tells me I am going to have my hands full with him, but he is still my little baby.
Being a single parent I think the bond is a lot stronger than it would’ve been necessarily as a family unit as it has just been the two of us. His dad visits a couple of times a week but obviously Jackson is more attached to me. It has its disadvantages too as night feeds are not fun when it’s you only doing them – I found that cosleeping helped in the early days, however I am finding it difficult to break that habit and get him into his own cot now. I see my parents quite a lot, be it them popping over for a cuppa and a cuddle or me going to theirs for a good square meal. Without them I would have gone insane a long time ago.
The last six months have been a huge learning curve. This parenting lark is hard. I would have been lost without all the help I’ve had from my family, but I think I am getting the hang of it. This little boy is literally growing before my eyes and it is scary and amazing in equal measure. But more than anything I love him with all my heart.
Posted by TryingToBeAMummy on Saturday 24th January 2015
https://tryingtobeamummy.com/2015/01/24/how-did-he-grow-up-so-fast/
2014
2014 is over.
It’s going to be a hard year to top.
I successfully carried and delivered my son and I have spent the last few months developing with him and getting to know him.
How can that be beaten?
It’s a stark contrast to 2013 which was the worst year of my life, losing and burying my daughter.
I feel like my life up until last year was nothing, was bland.
Since last year I’ve lived life in full colour feeling the total immense pain of loss and experiencing the absolute highs of life with my son.
I can’t wait to see what 2015 has to offer me.
Bring. It. On.
Posted by TryingToBeAMummy on Wednesday 31st December 2014
https://tryingtobeamummy.com/2014/12/31/2014/
Time Heals All Wounds
Or so they say.
I was starting to believe it,
Finding it easier to live without my daughter.
My first born.
Until I had my son.
My second born.
Before he was born I was able to go through days only thinking about her in passing, occasionally glancing at the photo I have out in my house, not talking about her much, and that was ok.
I visited her grave a little, occasionally took flowers.
I felt like I was moving on, that the baby growing inside me really was healing me.
I was wrong.
Since he was born she’s on my mind more and more.
I know why.
Everything I do with him I should have already done with her 10 months earlier.
This is worsened by the fact that Christmas is coming and I feel nothing but guilt.
Why?
Last year I was impossibly ill with morning sickness at Christmas and all I managed to do for her was to take her a bunch of flowers (that my dad had to go and buy) on Christmas morning.
It was her first Christmas and that was all she got.
My baby’s first Christmas.
This year it’s Jacksons first Christmas and I’m determined to make it special for both of them.
I suppose it’s almost a relief that he hasn’t replaced her, that if anything I love her more.
No.
That’s not possible.
I miss her more because I know what I missed.
Printing photos of Jackson I felt the need to print photos of Effy-Mae, something I had never done.
Had she survived I would have albums and albums of photos of her growing and developing.
She would be 1 year 2 months now.
I would have pages and pages of photos of her smiling, selfies of us together, walking, talking, wearing pretty dresses, eating cake.
I have 200 photos.
I’ll never get any more.
Buying Jackson a teddy for Christmas, I had to buy her one too.
It’s only fair.
Myself and Jackson will take the bear and some flowers to her on Christmas morning.
These things should have happened without thinking in the normal course of life, but it all takes more thought when everything you do is overshadowed with the grief that you’ll never get to see the look on their face when they see what you’ve done.
The pretty flowers I take her will never raise a smile.
She will never smile.
But that doesn’t mean I shouldn’t make her grave beautiful.
Shouldn’t spoil her.
Shouldn’t love her.
I just want my daughter.
Posted by TryingToBeAMummy on Tuesday 16th December 2014
https://tryingtobeamummy.com/2014/12/16/time-heals-all-wounds/
Sleep Deprived
I’m not sure where sleep-deprived ends and zombie state begins.
I know that for the first few days after Jackson was born I was in zombie state. I was in hospital being induced 3 days prior to giving birth, that alone is not conducive to a good nights sleep, and then stayed up all night in labour and then marvelling at my son. Since then I haven’t had an unbroken nights sleep.
The other night I had no more than an hours sleep at a time thanks to Jackson waking up shouting, not screaming or crying, just awake and shouting every hour. The day after that I’d probably have considered that I’d gone back to the zombie state.
Everyone warns you that you don’t sleep much with a newborn, but my son is no longer a newborn, so when does it start being unusual? The most I am getting is 3 hours at a time, my son is 19 weeks old. The other mums I meet and talk to are down to one feed a night, so is my son needy? Greedy? Attention seeking? I don’t know! I don’t know how to get him to sleep more, to feed less, or more effectively, I’m at a loss and I just don’t know.
He is slowly getting into a bedtime routine, down at 6-6.30 and then up every 3 hours from there. I say slowly as he regularly doesn’t go down until 9 or 10, and that involves me rocking him for hours on end, getting slowly more frustrated.
I’m not sure at what point I should call my health visitor and ask for help again. Will it get easier when he goes onto solids? Will it get worse?
I suppose I will continue muddling through until it gets too much, or (fingers crossed it’s this one) he improves and reduces the night time feeds.
Posted by TryingToBeAMummy on Sunday 14th December 2014
https://tryingtobeamummy.com/2014/12/14/sleep-deprived/
Social Media Overshare
No, I’m not one of those mums.
At least not on Facebook.
(My Facebook is reserved only for my real life friends. People I have actually met, and I delete people I no longer talk to. It may seem harsh, but I’m not interested in what someone I went to school with when I was 4 is doing now. By sticking to this I always care about what’s in my newsfeed.)
I use my Twitter account to share Jackson updates, after all, it’s what I made it for, while my Facebook account is saved for special updates and momentous occasions.
I’d never have believed this a few years ago.
I didn’t ‘get’ Twitter. I didn’t have anything to share. My updates would have been “Got a cup of tea” and I would have had no followers, because, in all honesty, who wants to read that?
Facebook, however, got everything. The people who were friends with me to keep up to date on my life were subjected to my mundane, pointless, cryptic statuses. I literally cringe now when I read my daily ‘Timehops’ why on earth did I write that? Why did I update my status 7x a day? Why did I think people cared?!
Back before I was a mum I hated people who shared everything about their child on Facebook. It bugged me. I’m not sure why, but every other update on my Facebook was baby related and I just didn’t care.
Now I guess the rest of my friends feel the same.
The few updates I have put on my Facebook have been ‘liked’ and commented on by the few of my friends who have kids and my family, rarely my childless friends.
I’m not upset.
I totally get it.
To this end I don’t overshare. I get the sharing of those ‘have to share’ photos out of my system on whatsapp to family or on Twitter, but only very occasionally to Facebook where the majority of my friends just don’t care!
I love Twitter, but I’m not the most social person.
I still lack confidence and find myself reading and rereading and redrafting tweets multiple times before I reply to people to make sure it reads right, that I won’t offend them, that it’s worth sending.
That’s me all over. In real life and online.
I go over any conversation with people I don’t really know in my head multiple times before I speak, sometimes missing my chance to speak because I wasn’t sure on what I was saying.
With friends I can be silly, be myself and fire off a reply instantly, knowing that they will take it right, but if I don’t know someone I am terrified of upsetting or offending them, especially as one of the main topics I talk about online is Babyloss.
I’ve never been a particularly sensitive or sympathetic person. What I mean by that is that I don’t know how to express it. Whatever I say I feel like it sounds like I’m being insensitive. I feel everything, I’m sad when people tell me about their losses, but I don’t know how to express it.
I’m working on this, trying to put the ‘social’ back in my social media (however hard this is with a baby around making time scarce) I’m trying to get over my lapses in self confidence with strangers by throwing myself into the conversation. Something I’m also working on in real life, going to baby groups and meeting people. It’s terrifying but also a bit exciting.
Whether online or in real life a baby is a great ice breaker. He is a way to meet people. Photos online draw comments and taking him out in his pushchair I get stopped in the street by strangers who comment on him. Maybe he will be the key to me growing my self confidence.
Posted by TryingToBeAMummy on Wednesday 3rd December 2014
https://tryingtobeamummy.com/2014/12/03/social-media-overshare/
End of the Fourth Trimester
The first 12 weeks after birth are widely known as the fourth trimester, following on from the 3 12 week trimesters of pregnancy. These 12 weeks are the adjustment stage for both mother and baby.
Jackson is now 14weeks old so we left the fourth trimester a couple of weeks ago. According to theories I should now be accustomed to being a mum and Jackson should be used to being on the outside, not surrounded by fluid in my tummy. All in all I think we are getting there.
I wrote before about our issues with sleep and spent the first 12 weeks cosleeping with him. He rarely settled in his crib for longer than a couple of hours at the start of the night. I mentioned it to the Health Visitor and she told me that if I stuck with returning him to his crib every time – cuddling him when he cried and then returning him (it could take hours each time) then after 3 weeks it would start to sink in. She suggested I started when I had a few weeks with no prior engagements as I had to do the same thing each night and would probably end up knackered. On the first night I tried he settled easily in his crib, allowing me to take the monitor downstairs and have an evening to myself, and then after every feed, even going in awake and settling himself, finally coming into my bed at 6am and sleeping with me until 10am. As I suspected it was a fluke. The second night was still ok, but he was harder to settle, but by the third night he took 2 hours to settle! Since then he has varied from an hour to five hours to settle which gets quite frustrating, and I must admit that I have occasionally fallen asleep after feeding him in the night and kept him in bed with me. On the whole, however, he has been so much better that I ever expected. I don’t know what has changed as I have always tried to put him in his crib, I suppose the key is being persistent when he doesn’t go straight down.
He’s a good feeder now, after the first couple of weeks being a bit of a struggle with him not opening his mouth, but since then he has basically taken to it like a duck to water. It’s amazing how subtle I can be feeding him now, no more waving my boob around for 20minutes waiting for him to latch, I just lift up my top and he suckers on for 20minutes. I fed him in a restaurant the other day, (that being the most public I have been yet) and the doctors waiting room, but I am getting better at going out now I am more confident so I expect that list of places to get longer. That’s what I love about breastfeeding, there is no heating bottles, nothing extra to pack, no sterilising. It’s fantastic. Totally worth the first week of excruciating pain (in my opinion worse than labour. I dreaded him crying, but now it is completely pain free.)
He still a bit of a limpet, and doesn’t like being put down. He is getting better in his bouncy chair as he can now be distracted with toys, and he was ok in his pram as long as he was moving, however he is so nosey that he preferred being up on my shoulder looking around at everything so I made the decision to turn it into a pushchair. I almost cried as it seems like my little boy is growing up so so fast, but he prefers it so much. He tries to stay awake as long as he can just to look at everything around! I make sure to flatten it whenever he is asleep to keep him flat as much as possible.
I can’t get over how much I love this little boy! It’s totally crazy. I miss him after a couple of hours of someone else holding him!! When I’m looking after him I can’t remember or imagine my life without him, but when I sit back and watch someone else cuddling him I can’t even believe he is mine!
And so now my baby is no longer a newborn!
Posted by TryingToBeAMummy on Saturday 8th November 2014
https://tryingtobeamummy.com/2014/11/08/end-of-the-fourth-trimester/
Parents
For as long as I’ve been alive, my parents have been there for me through everything. I can’t recall a single time that they haven’t been there to support me.
I now have to be this constant in Jacksons life.
I have been a parent for over a year now, yet only for 2 months have I had to play a parental role in a childs life. I lost my first child during pregnancy, making me a mother but never having to change a nappy or wipe away a tear. I had my second child, a healthy baby boy 2 months ago and it has changed my outlook on life more drastically than I ever expected.
Every night when he goes to sleep I sit and watch him, and am filled with great pride at the little person he is becoming with my love and encouragement, and massive fear that I don’t have a clue how to be a good parent.
I have amazing role models. As I said I cannot fault my parents at all, they have taken everything their three children have thrown at them (from teenage tantrums to becoming a single parent at 7 months pregnant with a house to run) and been supportive and understanding throughout, but am I ready to do it myself? The answer is I have to be. I brought my son into this world and I cannot let him down now. I shall learn as I go with the support of my parents still by my side guiding me along.
I only hope that when he’s older he will feel the same about me as I feel about my parents.
Posted by TryingToBeAMummy on Saturday 18th October 2014
https://tryingtobeamummy.com/2014/10/18/parents/
Feed, Feed, Feed
A couple of weeks ago the health visitor paid us another visit – her third. She weighed Jackson who was 9lb 4oz. She noted that he had dropped a centile, from 25th to 9th (noone had explained what centiles were so I had to ask my friend to explain them later) she told me that he was still gaining weight just that it had slowed so to feed him more and to make sure he was getting enough of the more calorific milk. I had also told her that he seemed very gripey, often crying when he had been fed and changed and was being cuddled. She explained that breastmilk is the only cure for gripey tummys – atleast that it comforts them and does no harm, often putting them to sleep so they don’t cry. So basically from that visit I was told to feed him whenever he opened his mouth. This should bump up his weight and also help with his incessant crying.
I worked hard at feeding him more – it meant I got even less done around the house as I spent longer feeding him. I gave up recording when and for how long I was feeding him on my app as at times it was nearly constant! (Plus it’d have been depressing to see how many hours a day I was spending feeding him!)
A week later I went to get him weighed at our local clinic and despite my best efforts he had only gained 3oz. I was however assured that babies are only expected to gain about 1/2oz a day so this weight was on track for a week, however it kept him firmly in the 9th centile.
Yesterday, a week later the health visitor weighed him again and amazingly he was now 10lb! Although this was a great weight gain he is still in 9th centile and she now thinks it will be hard to get back up to the 25th.
Aside from the weight gain he seems a far more contented baby. He no longer goes for long periods of crying for no reason, as I feed him as soon as he starts, which can only be a good thing, helping with weight gain too.
Posted by TryingToBeAMummy on Thursday 25th September 2014
https://tryingtobeamummy.com/2014/09/25/feed-feed-feed/
Sleep
When we got home from hospital, the first few nights were amazing. I had expected to hardly sleep, constantly being woken by him wanting a feed, but infact the first couple of nights he only woke a handful of times and slept soundly in his crib.
The next couple of nights couldn’t have been more different, with him waking every hour or so for a feed, but the midwife reassured me that this would just be a growth spurt, a couple of nights of solid feeding and then it would go back down to more manageable levels.
We never returned to the low levels of feeding that we had experienced on the first couple of nights, I assume he was as tired from the birth as I was and was just sleeping it off, but it was possible to function on the amount of sleep I was getting.
Then about a week or so ago I had the night from hell, he cried the whole time. He fed and fell asleep in my arms, but as soon as I put him down in his crib he cried so I fed him again assuming he hadn’t had enough and then he overindulged and threw up. He went all night not settling and crying constantly, and by the morning I was a total wreck.
I assumed it was a one off and was hopeful that the next night would be better. It wasn’t. After one of the feeds though, I accidently fell asleep with him on my chest and we both slept for four hours without stirring. This kept happening over the next few nights and I felt endless guilt that I was risking him like this. I hadn’t looked into cosleeping, I just knew it wasn’t recommended and I was terrified of rolling on him or smothering him, but with him not settling easily in his crib and me being exhausted I could see me keeping falling asleep with him.
The next night it got to 4am and he still hadn’t settled in his crib. I was trying really hard to keep him in there, replacing his dummy every time he spat it out and screamed and shushing him, but by 4am I was shattered and he was showing no signs of relenting so I took him into bed with me, snuggled him down on my chest and the next thing I knew it was 7am.
I knew that this couldn’t continue, he either had to stay in his crib or I had to find a way to cosleep more safely. I decided to look into how to make cosleeping safer incase the need arose again, not out of choice, out of necessity, for my sanity. I think that if there were two of us to take it in turns to settle him this wouldn’t be so important, but as it is I need to be awake the next day to look after him, and therefore cannot be awake the whole night before trying to settle him!
I found a list of things to do to make cosleeping safer and most of them were fine, I was already doing them – no smoking, drinking or drugs, sleep between baby and partner – well I am on my own so no issue there, tie your hair back, fine, no duvets – this is where I had to change what I was doing. There had been one occasion where I had woken up to find him curled up on my stomach, under the duvet, when he had fallen asleep on my chest above it. He’s a proper little wriggler, so before I let him sleep with me again this had to change. (The site suggested wearing a onesie to keep warm and putting baby in a sleeping bag)
I fully intend on keeping him in his crib if at all possible, starting every night putting him in it and trying everything to keep him there, but I will not drive myself crazy if he just won’t settle, I know I have another option.
Posted by TryingToBeAMummy on Sunday 24th August 2014
https://tryingtobeamummy.com/2014/08/24/sleep/
Trying To Be A Good Mummy 