Expecting a Delivery

My drugs have arrived! All £800 worth!

Two massive boxes, one refrigerated, delivery man must have wondered what he was delivering!

They are now safely tucked in my fridge, among the yoghurts and fruit, and in my cupboard, ready for me to use in the next few weeks!

I start Norethisterone tomorrow until 2nd June, then baseline scan is on 7th!



So the clinic got back to me and told me to not take the Microgynon, that the prescription is a general one that is raised for everyone and slipped through… if I hadn’t noticed I could have formed a clot and been in serious trouble, but ok… mistakes happen…. but that the consultant was happy for me to take the Norethisterone (slightly nervous about that, but I’ll trust them!) and that this would be towards the end of the cycle before.. I told her today was day one and she told me they had no egg collection spots left in May so to leave it for this cycle and they would pencil me in for egg collection on 21st June and that I would start Norethisterone on the 23rd day of my next cycle.


Who knew you needed contraception when trying for a baby! How very ironic!

The nurses still hadn’t contacted me and as my next period was due soon I decided to chase it up. Pretty sure I had been forgotten, but once they had checked my notes I was told to collect my tablets from reception, no appointment needed, so I had them ready for my next cycle. As my next cycle was due to start any day I rushed down there the next day to collect them. I was told to call on day one…

I got home and looked at what I had bought, and, as I was bored, read the leaflets. Mainly to find out what I had been given, Microgynon and Northisterone. Both leaflets flagged concerns for me. The Microgynon said ‘do not take if you have antiphospholipi syndrome’ which I do! and the Northisterone said do not take if you have any clotting disorders, which antiphospholipid syndrome is! So I called the clinic and was told they would talk to the doctor and let me know! It may be necessary to go ahead without these tablets and go into the cycle naturally.

So now I’m awaiting a phonecall to let me know what pills to take (which ones won’t kill me anyway!)

Happy Single

It’s taken a long time and a lot of fails to come to this realisation, but maybe it’s something I always knew deep down – I’m happy single. Better off single.

I’ve always liked my own company, never one to seek out others. Relationships make me uncomfortable, yeah cuddles on the sofa are lovely, but having them about 24/7? Telling them everything? Compromise? Maybe I’ve just been single for too long and am too set in my ways, but whatever the reason I’m happy with the outcome.

This is not all to say that if Mr Right walked headfirst into me that I’d send him away again, but I’m not looking, definitely not settling and I shall live my life to the fullest and if I never meet someone I shall die knowing I enjoyed my life and made the right choice.

IVF Consultation

I didn’t know what to expect from this appointment.
I was told when I booked it that it was just to discuss why IUI failed.
We don’t know, isn’t that the point?
Would they tell me I had to try IUI again?
Maybe I’m not a candiate for IVF.
Maybe there’s a massive wait?
However the consultant was lovely and gave me options.
Would I like to try IUI again?
When I said no she smiled and told me it was good to give it a go but it only had a 5-10% chance of success ‘that just nature’ she said. The probability of success decreased dramatically since I started treatment then! I was promised 20% chance!
When I said I wanted to try IVF she gave me a presentation about what it involved and put together a plan.
I expected nothing from this appointment and I now have a plan for my IVF treatment!
So the plan is some kind of tablets for 2 months, I missed what these were for, followed by a short course treatment, as I have polycystic ovaries, (not the syndrome apparently just lots of follicles and she doesn’t want to cause Ovarian hyper stimulation syndrome by going for the hard drugs) of 100iu of Gonal-F to mature the follicles and then trigger the same as IUI with Ovitrelle. In for egg collection and go from there. As soon as I start the Gonal-F I will also have to take fragmin injections to stop my blood clotting which is apparently a side effect of Gonal-F made worse by my antiphospholipid syndrome. Great.
Total cost she reckons somewhere £6-7k. Ouch. But having spent £4652.05 so far on the ‘cheap’ option of IUI it’s got to be worth a shot.

I am now just waiting on the nurses to call me to arrange my tablets (and so I can find out what they are!) and I’m guesstimating if I get these tablets soon that I start Gonal-F in June/July-ish time! March/April baby?

Done With IUI

I rang the clinic yesterday to report no pregnancy and was told they would call me back.
Today the nurse called.
I told her I was done with IUI.
I could tell it threw her.
She’s new and probably had her script prepared about how I needed a HyCoSy before continuing.
But I don’t want to continue.
IUI seems random.
Too many chances for it to not happen.
The egg might not mature, might not release, might release too early, too late, then just might not meet the sperm swimming to meet it.
I was told when I started treatment it had a 20% chance, that that was just ‘nature’
Well, when I am spending this much money on it I don’t like nature getting involved.
I gave it a go.
If it had worked it would have been great.
It hasn’t worked for me, that’s not to say it won’t for you.
But I have decided to cut my losses at 2 goes and to splash out my third try on IVF.

I have a consultant appointment on 6th March to discuss next steps.


Thursday 25th: Negative I definitely expected a false positive this early!

Friday 26th: I’m so angry today! Down to drugs? Hormones? Stress? Dare I even dream, pregnancy?

Saturday 27th: Negative – though that means NOTHING as it is still far too early for cheap tests to be able to pick up. Why am I testing?!

Monday 29th: Negative

Tuesday 30th: Had a headache and felt awful at work today, light headed and queasy. Pregnancy? Dare I hope?

Wednesday 31st: Negative. Even took a proper (not cheap poundland test) test because I was so SURE… but no.

Friday 2nd: Negative and Aunt Flo. No October baby.


I hate IUI.


I think I’ve forgotten what it is to be truly happy. To have no worries, nothing hanging over my shoulder waiting until I start to feel happy to loom out of the dark. No niggling fears. It’s been so long.

Honestly I think the last time I was truly happy was before I got pregnant with Effy. As soon as I got pregnant with her there was the panic of what I was going to do, how would I cope, then I lost her and I knew from then that I would never be completely happy again. Something broke or shut down or stopped feeling I can’t describe it but it’s almost like I go headfirst into situations now with the attitude, what’s the worst that can happen when the worst already has? Now a little bit of this attitude has to be good, but I can feel it taking over more and more. Obviously I won’t do anything life threatening because I still have Jackson, but I throw my emotions under the bus on a regular basis only for them to be cut up and handed back but apart from getting a bit grumpy and shedding a few tears about it all I don’t feel it. It’s like my emotions have been desensitised!

I have a sense of perspective that I guess most people will never have, that the trivial stuff doesn’t really matter. But what if I’m trivialising stuff that really does matter? What if things that look unimportant to me now really are and I’ll realise that down the line? What if I’m missing out on bits of life because I can’t be bothered to deal with people’s crap any more?

A colleague at work said to me the other day he admires how I always come into work with a smile on my face and just deal with whatever happens and not let it get to me. Well I never used to be like that! I used to let every little thing get to  me but again it must be down to a shifted perspective.

But to be truly happy? I’m not sure I know how. Sure I have moments of pure bliss, watching Jackson doing something or just marvelling at him, us, or our life, but then reality comes crashing down and nothing seems so stable and sure any more.

What I wouldn’t give to have one day, just one day of pure, unadulterated happiness again.

Decorating a Grave

I started off not wanting to do anything to my daughters grave, I barely even visited for the first few months, I couldn’t bring myself to. It seemed so final, like not admitting that I had a grave to visit and decorate and not a daughter to dress up was the final thing keeping myself together in those early months.

I feel bad that I didn’t make more of her funeral, not being religious we didn’t want anything remotely prayery, and we didn’t want to make it too big, just parents and grandparents. Maybe in hindsight we should have invited uncles, but only one of my brothers would have been able to, or even wanted to come and I’m pretty sure her dads brothers weren’t really interested. We stood in silence around the tiny hole and watched her lowered in. No words were said, no readings, nothing. I couldn’t find the words, let alone the voice to say them.
We also went low key on decorations, very low key having seen the babies buried since – they have massive floral arrangements laid at their grave, their name in flowers, teddies, toy cars. My baby girl? I bought a small bunch of pink carnations from a supermarket, tied them up with a pink ribbon and laid them at her grave.

I returned a few weeks later with a single pink rose that I tied the same ribbon around, and a few weeks after that to lay my bridesmaids bouquet from my friends wedding. I slowly started adding bits to decorate her grave, an ornament, a vase for her flowers, a small bunch of artificial flowers so she always had colour, it wasn’t until after her first birthday that I really went to town decorating. By then I was heavily pregnant with Jackson and it felt like I needed to show my affection for my daughter too.

Since her headstone was fitted I have had to reign in my decorations a little bit as there are rules about only keeping things on the base of the stone, but I try to visit an absolute minimum of once a month with fresh flowers to keep it looking nice, but normally manage once a week, being so close to my parents house, luckily it’s not a massive trek for me.

I didn’t love my daughter any less when I bought her that single bunch of carnations as to when I buy her massive bright pink bouquets, which got me thinking, who do I decorate her grave for?

I feel closest to her when I’m at home, in my own space, I talk to her, but at her grave, I decorate it and leave, I don’t feel like she’s there. I decorate her grave like a shop window, I don’t want her to look unkempt and unloved like some of the babies nearby do, I buy things I think my pretty girly girl would like, butterflies and flowers, all pink, always pink, it’s become like a signature now, so pink you can’t miss her! But I don’t feel like I do it for her, I feel like I do it for other people to see how much I loved her, to show she’s not forgotten. I write this blog to record my feelings and to help other parents going through similar, I support KicksCount.org both with money and awareness in her name because I want to stop other parents feeling this, I buy stuff to go on her shelf at home to help me remember her.

There are so many facets to my relationship with my little girl that her grave is only a small part of and is, to me, just a shop window displaying my love for my lost little girl.


The Right Thing to Say

I’ve always struggled knowing what to say when people are upset or in difficult situations, but you’d think that after losing a baby I’d be better but honestly I’m still just as likely to say the wrong thing or clam up!

I know how it feels and I know saying nothing is worse than saying the wrong thing, but I’m terrible when I’m put on the spot. I’m actually quite a cold person, I’m not a fan of hugs (apart from from my son with whom I welcome hugs and kisses any time of day or night) and being able to offer comforting words without sounding patronising is best done after some thought in a carefully composed message, put me on the spot and I’ll probably stand there awkwardly, come out with all the cliches they tell you not to say and then beat myself up for months after about how I handled it!

When someone mentions my little girl to me in person they act like I should get upset, but I don’t. I smile and tell them it’s fine, it’s not, it’s far from it, but my way of coping is a brave face and then the occasional day on the sofa in a zombie like state unable to smile. People seem confused that I talk about her all the time on social media but never in person, well that’s more to do with the fact people get uncomfortable when I talk about her in person and I find myself comforting them, which doesn’t help anyone!

So these posts where people complain about the wrong things to say, just spare a thought for those of us who have probably at one point or another, actually said those things, not because we are horrible people, or even that we don’t necessarily ‘get it’ but because we suffer from foot in mouth syndrome where our mouth knows we should say something and our brain doesn’t think fast enough so something terrible comes out!

  • An 'Angel Baby' is a baby lost during pregnancy or early childhood, who sleeps in the clouds instead of our arms.

    A 'Rainbow Baby' is a baby born following the loss of an 'Angel Baby', a beacon of hope after a storm, while not denying the storm happened.

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