Confused

I haven’t responded to this pregnancy how I expected to.
Obviously I’m happy that its finally happened, this was so planned, but I somehow can’t get excited.
I always thought I’d announce as soon as I had my 8 week scan, screw the 12 week rule, I know better than most that you can lose babies at any stage, but that was over a week ago now and I haven’t done anything about it.
I haven’t exactly kept it a secret either though, anyone at work whos seen me go green round the gills and either leg it to a loo or sit down has then been told why, and everyone has been very happy and supportive, but somehow I can’t bring myself to put it up on facebook, make it official.
I’ve had a few less positive comments about having twins, I understand that I had more say in having two than most, but its not as if it wasn’t thought through, and comments like “how will you cope” and “can you afford two?” aren’t remotely helpful, like what am I going to do about it now? They’re both in there… hopefully going nowhere.
At the same time I’m terrified that they will go somewhere, that I will end up with no babies. I can’t bring myself to look at my scan pictures too much, whereas with my first two pregnancies the scan pictures immediately became my wallpaper on my phone, these are hidden in my camera roll only looked at when I need to be reminded that this is actually happening.
I’m hoping that after the 12 week scan I will allow myself to relax a little into this pregnancy, but I’m not confident that will happen.

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Viability Scan

So after weeks of feeling rubbish, only leaving the sofa for work and throwing up I scraped myself up and went for my viability scan today. This scan essentially shows that baby is there, in the right place and maybe, if you’re lucky, a heartbeat.

I wasn’t looking forward to this appointment, after three weeks of spotting I was pretty sure that something would have gone wrong, that baby would have stopped developing and all my symptoms would have been for nothing, so me and my mum sat in the waiting room nervously.

The sonographer was lovely and quickly got down to the scan. She turned the screen towards herself to start with and I closed my eyes and waited for the ‘I’m sorry’ but within a few seconds she said ‘so you had a double transfer’ I said ‘yes…’ and she goes ‘well you have two lovely babies in there…’ and she turned the screen towards me and you could clearly see both sacs and two little babies. She then focused on each in turn showing me their little ticking hearts and I relaxed. Mum pointed out that she hadn’t seen me that happy in months.

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Now I know it was a risk that I would end up with twins with a double transfer, but it also increased the chances of atleast one of them sticking at all, which after all this time of failed treatments and false starts, seemed worth it to me, however I really didn’t expect them both to stick around!

This will be a challenge, as obviously it is only me, and I will now have two newborns to look after on my own, and it is extra pressure on my parents who will have the babies when I’m at work, this is something I am aware of and will have to make sure they don’t feel it’s too much for them, if it is I will have to rethink a few things…

Twins however come with advantages… they will always have each other, and knowing that their family is a little different I think this will really help them not to feel alone, and when the time comes to maybe contact their donor, they have each other who know exactly what they’re going through. It was always my plan to have two more babies, they just came on a BOGOF offer instead of four years apart as I was planning.

So now I have to keep those two little hearts beating for 7 more months and grow these two little aphids into beautiful babies. It will be added pressure on my body, but the hospital will keep a close eye on me so I have every hope that we will make it and that September will welcome two little bundles into my family.

6 Weeks and Morning Sickness

‘How are you?’ ‘ I feel sick and everything smells!’

Heightened sense of smell isn’t something I experienced before and I can’t say I’m enjoying it! I can smell slight changes in the air in my house, I can smell myself even though I’ve just showered, I can smell food a room away… it’s a nightmare!

On Wednesday I turned 6 weeks pregnant! What! This is a milestone for me that I was simultaneously hoping to reach, and dreading; at 6 weeks during both my previous pregnancies morning sickness has kicked in.

This pregnancy has not disappointed, in fact, from around 5 weeks food aversions and slight nausea started, getting progressively worse until 6 weeks… Wednesday, and bam. I couldn’t look at food, and I threw up!

But this pregnancy is different. In fact, each of mine have been. In my first I was working full time. I was fine, nauseous and running to the toilet throughout the workday to throw up, but I had warning, could get across a shop floor, upstairs and into the toilet before hurling. In my second I wasn’t working. I started off in my own house, and ended up staying at my parents in bed hugging a bowl for 2 months with a slight detour via hospital being hooked up to a drip for 3 days. The throwing up was instantaneous with no warning, but afterwards I was ok, and able to eat my dinner. However I still managed to lose nearly 2 stone. This one? CONSTANT nausea, but I seem to be able to mostly hold off the sickness with deep breathing and thinking of ANYTHING other than food!

But this is tough. Last time I didn’t have any other commitments, I was able to spend 2 months in bed, this time I have a job and a 4 year old… how are you meant to feel so completely rough and still be around to do what you need to do? School runs and shifts and appointments, when all you want to do is lay in bed and cuddle a bowl!

To top all of this off, the spotting has continued for over a week now, getting no worse but no better either. Still brown not red and the clinic have said not to worry… easier said than done! What if this pregnancy is all over already and I’m putting up with this morning sickness for nothing?? I literally will not relax til I see on a scan that Aphid is ok, and even then, relax is a strong word! I can’t see me doing much of that for the next 7 months!

Hopefully everything is ok, the spotting is just one of those things and the morning sickness is the positive sign I have always previously taken it to be!

Spotting

BLOOD!
Panic stations!
Well. A little bit of spotting.
PANIC!
I had the same level, infact, a bit more, during my two week wait, which stopped as quickly as it arrived.
So maybe there is no need to panic…
Or maybe there is?
This has lasted a bit longer, but is less.
I never spotted at all with my first two…
I did have a massive bleed at 10 weeks with Effy-Mae, which she survived, but they believe was caused by a clot which eventually killed her.
The reason I am now on fragmin in any future pregnancies.
I have been reassured by the twitter community that spotting is normal,
moreso with IVF pregnancies due to all the hormones, and progesterone pessaries apparently don’t help.
I hope this will stop soon and I can relax again, but I don’t think the worry will ever go.

Second Official Test

Today I took my second official test. It was a nervewracking week – more so than I expected, and I ended up doing a test halfway through, on the Monday, which still showed a nice strong line. By Thursday I was pretty confident that it would still be positive, but there was still a nagging doubt. But first thing this morning that nice strong line appeared again, reassuring me that Aphid was still in there.

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After the school run I phoned my clinic to let them know the results of the test and to book in my early pregnancy scan which has to be between day 35 and 45 (actual age, not since LMP). This was booked for 15th February, day 44. 22 days seems like a very long time!

I went up to the clinic this afternoon to get my fragmin injections (blood thinners) that I have been on since the first positive test and will be on for the duration of the pregnancy, and on the way back I popped into my doctors surgery to inform them of my pregnancy and so they could let the fetal medicine team know and get me an appointment to discuss the fragmin. The receptionist instantly booked me a midwife appointment and said that she deals with all of that, so that is booked in for 8th February. I’m a bit worried about having it before my scan to check that everything is ok, but also the sooner I am under the fetal medicine team at the hospital, the better.

Official Test

Tests

Transfer: Monday 7th January 2019

Wednesday 9th: Negative

Thursday 10th: Negative

Friday 11th: Negative – Looked again 4 hours later and saw a slight watermark.
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Retested at 9pm, maybe a very faint line?
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Saturday 12th: Faint positive?
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Sunday 13th: Faint positive, but I started to bleed. Bought a more expensive, supposedly more sensitive test. Line still as faint. Miscarriage? Fading out again?
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Monday 14th: Positive. No more bleeding
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Tuesday 15th: Positive
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Wednesday 16th: Positive. Took an ‘Official clinic test’ I had leftover from a failed IUI. Quite a strong line!

OFFICIAL TEST DAY TOMORROW BUT I THINK I KNOW THE RESULT!

Happy Single

It’s taken a long time and a lot of fails to come to this realisation, but maybe it’s something I always knew deep down – I’m happy single. Better off single.

I’ve always liked my own company, never one to seek out others. Relationships make me uncomfortable, yeah cuddles on the sofa are lovely, but having them about 24/7? Telling them everything? Compromise? Maybe I’ve just been single for too long and am too set in my ways, but whatever the reason I’m happy with the outcome.

This is not all to say that if Mr Right walked headfirst into me that I’d send him away again, but I’m not looking, definitely not settling and I shall live my life to the fullest and if I never meet someone I shall die knowing I enjoyed my life and made the right choice.

An Honest Dating Profile

On the evening I come off online dating for good I thought I’d post what my profile should really have said.

I’m a 25 year old single mum who’s body has seen better days and now harbours small, saggy boobs and a flabby tummy which is partially caused by pregnancy and partially because I eat anything that stays still long enough!

I’m not entirely sure what I’m looking for, maybe I don’t even want a relationship and I’m just lonely, I’m labouring under the illusion that when I meet the right person something will just click.

I want more kids, atleast one more, and I’m not talking in 20 years time!

I’m not a fan of travelling, and no this isn’t because I have a toddler that would make plane journeys a pain in the bum, I just like my home comforts so if you’re looking for an adventure buddy then keep looking.

I have spent two years on these sites and have slowly lost the illusion that the right man is out there, my replies have got shorter and less interesting and I am aware this is reducing my chances even further of keeping ‘Mr Rights’ interest.

So if you’re after a girl who looks better in photos (choose the right angle and anyone can look hot) with a saggy body, a 9pm curfew, who gets broody at every baby, pregnant woman and bootie, who is completely disillusioned with men, here I am, come and get me!

Meant To Be

Me and my ex weren’t perfect. I’ll never pretend we were, but something was meant to be. After two months we had bought a ring and after 5 we were officially engaged. After 8 months we were pregnant and just over a year in our lives fell apart.

All the parts were there for a perfect future, we had the same hopes and dreams, liked the same things. but after the devastation we picked up the wrong bits and it all fell apart.

We have spent three years coparenting our son and everything was ok, stable.

He moved on, met someone else, I floundered, failing at dating, at finding anyone, at knowing what I wanted.

Three years of getting over what happened, of picking up pieces and suddenly I feel like I’ve dropped them all again. I’ve known he’s with someone and I’ve stopped looking at him, stopped wondering; but then a few comments and it all comes flooding back.

I never saw us not ending up together. Even when I ended it I told my friends we would get back together that it would all work out in the end, but at the time he was such a mess and didn’t want help I couldn’t support him as well as bring a new baby into the world and give it all it needed, so I prioritised.

He drifted further away and into the arms of someone else and I couldn’t hate him for that, because I had let him go and he had every right to be happy, so I mentally let him go, I stopped expecting to end up together I moved on and threw myself into being a mum to our gorgeous son, the reason I get up in the morning, and everything was fine.

Then a few weird messages about how he still loved me and do I love him? And honestly I hadn’t even thought about him like that for so long I didn’t know how to reply, but opening old wounds when we had both moved on, wobbled my nice little stable life again, his world stayed untouched, in his happy little relationship he could shake my life til I couldn’t stand but he would remain standing.

I think I have got past that wobble now, re-closed old, confusing wounds that should never have been reopened in the first place and set my priorities in order again. But it did get me thinking, yet again about whether we were ‘meant to be’ and messed it up or whether we are better off how we are now.

  • An 'Angel Baby' is a baby lost during pregnancy or early childhood, who sleeps in the clouds instead of our arms.

    A 'Rainbow Baby' is a baby born following the loss of an 'Angel Baby', a beacon of hope after a storm, while not denying the storm happened.

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