Have you ever been told something, and only later realised the deep meaning? I have, and it’s been almost 2 years since it happened.
When I was pregnant with Effy-Mae I bled, and I mean gushing blood, at about 11 weeks. I thought I was miscarrying. It was the middle of the night, on a Saturday night of all nights. I rang the out of hours number and they got me an out of hours doctors appointment. At 1am I sat in the waiting room with my parents, and my mum gave me a huge hug and said words to the effect of “I can’t imagine anything worse than losing your first” my mum had herself lost two babies. One early on, around the stage that I was then, and one at around 18 weeks, but they were after she had had two healthy boys. (Before me). I was convinced in that moment that I had lost my baby, and the doctor couldn’t reassure me any more than to book me a scan for the Monday.
I spent Sunday in bed hoping, but believing all was lost. But it wasn’t. The scan revealed a healthy baby with a heartbeat. I almost ran out of the scan to show my dad the picture with a grin plastered over my face. It was alive. The bleed was just that, a bleed. Nothing more!
Little did I know.
About 10 weeks later I lost her. My mums words haunted me, I’d lost my first. I’d thought I was safe after that first scan-everything was ok, only to lose her now.
Even when I lost her I knew there was something wrong, I couldn’t sleep and just felt, well, wrong, but I was completely in denial, my mum however almost knew. She knew more than me to listen to my instincts. I think she knew I’d lost her before I knew, before the midwife listened for a heartbeat and couldn’t find one, even after that I didn’t believe it, how could I have lost her? I’d had my scare and everything was fine – I wasn’t bleeding when I lost her so I couldn’t have, could I? I only knew it when I watched the scan and saw no movement. I still didn’t believe it until the doctor said the words “there’s no heartbeat”.
I don’t know if it would have been easier if she wasn’t my first. Maybe if I had a toddler to focus on it wouldn’t have cut so deep, but even now I think that if I lost another one, even though I’ve got Jackson, it would hurt just as much.
It was ominous.
I lost my first and you don’t want to imagine how it feels.