Nervous Ninny

I knew that I’d be nervous about Jackson, after losing Effy-Mae I am constantly terrified about losing him too.
Before he was born I picked out the monitor I wanted, the all singing, all dancing sound, video and movement monitor from AngelCare. Even now, I daren’t put him down in his cot for more than 5 minutes without turning on the movement monitor. What if in the 5 minutes I’m on the loo he stops breathing?? It’s silly. Totally ridiculous. It’s something I’ve had to let go of a bit for cosleeping, obviously the movement sensor would just pick up my movements in the bed so I have to go without when he’s in with me, and this still scares me every time. I’m trying to wean him off it and get him into his own cot, but he seems fairly attached!
When I drive with him in the car I take extra care, driving slowly, leaving bigger stopping distances than normal, and I trust myself more than anyone else. When someone else is driving I sit next to him ready to throw myself over him if anything happens, constantly on edge. I don’t get people who don’t take extra care when he’s in the car – his dad drove us down to Kent to see some of his family and was leaving a car length stopping distance at 70mph. I spent the whole journey leaning over Jackson, fingers on his chin to stop his head whipping forwards if we crashed. Again it’s excessive, I’m sure most parents just put them in the car seat and think no more of it, but I just can’t. I run through every eventuality in my head!
At a group the other day there were older children around and they stood over him and another child of a similar age to him, their feet were getting close to their faces and I picked him straight up out of the situation but the other mum just left her child there. She was more trusting of the other children than me and her child was fine, but I just couldn’t take that risk! It was a similar situation with some toys out in a room, Jackson pulled a foily sheet over his face and I instantly took it off again and pushed it away from him – what if it smothered him? What if I was talking to another mum and didn’t notice? But another baby did the exact same thing and it’s mum just watched it and again baby was fine. I know I overreacted!
I’ve surprised myself though in one sense, I’m not worried about germs! If his dummy goes on the floor (at home) as long as it doesn’t have any hairs on he can have it back – obviously out in public it’s a different story. I let him play with and suck toys at play groups and in general I’m not worried! I’d expected myself to be overprotective in this aspect too, but I’ve come to the realisation that he is tougher than he looks!

I know that I’m overprotective, but I know what losing a child is like and I can’t go through it again.

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  1. I wrote something on my rainbow blog VERY similar to this about a year ago. I’d like to tell you it gets a lot better, but it doesn’t seem to. My rainbow is 13 months and I still wake all the time to make sure he is breathing. He even wore his snuza up until about a month ago when he started pulling it off because he didn’t like it. I cried when he outgrew the angelcare around 6 months (he would roll to the edge of the bed out of the sensor’s range and it would go off). I am sure the angelcare saved his life once. It went off and the alarms scared him into take a deep breath. Hang in there. xoxo

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  • An 'Angel Baby' is a baby lost during pregnancy or early childhood, who sleeps in the clouds instead of our arms.

    A 'Rainbow Baby' is a baby born following the loss of an 'Angel Baby', a beacon of hope after a storm, while not denying the storm happened.

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