Yesterday we went to the zoo! It was Jacksons first trip and it was a fantastic day out. We went with his Dad and Nanny and we all enjoyed ourselves. He didn’t particularly look at the animals but enjoyed being outside with the noises and the crowds of people that half term brings.
It wasn’t until the journey home that I realised I hadn’t thought about Effy-Mae all day. That’s incredibly unusual, especially, when like yesterday, I am surrounded by children of the age she would be. I normally look at them and wonder. Would she be doing that? Would she be like Jackson and first to do everything? Would she be loud? Quiet? Greedy? Kind?
But I forgot to remember her! I went a whole day out without my mind skipping to her. I don’t normally need visual cues for my mind to go there, but yesterday I had many and it didn’t.
Obviously I was preoccupied. There was lots to look at, it was a new place and I had to keep my eye on Jackson too, but even so. Is this what the future holds? Days where I don’t think about her? Days where I forget to remember? Because I don’t want to. I want to be able to live my life without her, but I don’t want to not think about her.
We are now coming up 2 years on. 2 whole years and barely a day goes by I don’t think about her. Is that beginning to change? Will I get to 5 years and only think about her once a week? 20 years and it be once a year? I don’t want that! She’s my daughter and I don’t ever want to forget to remember her!