Every so often it is necessary to stop and consider your life, and today is one of those days for me.

Ever since I was little I imagined being a stay at home mum like my mum was, giving my children all the love and time in the world.

When I found my ex we shared that vision and he could afford to support it and with the belief that I could give my children the childhood I wanted to give them we tried for a baby. Sadly that relationship came to an end almost a year ago when I was 7 months pregnant with Jackson leaving me heavily pregnant and unemployed!

I have enjoyed the last 9 months, watching Jackson growing up literally before my eyes, but with all my mummy friends now considering returning to work after maternity leave I am now questioning what I want to do.

Honestly though, I hadn’t really thought about it up until now. Not practically.

I’d been assuming I’d stay at home until Jackson went to school and then I’d find myself a job or study, but I’d never looked into what I could do or what was expected.

All I want is to do what’s best for my son. I don’t want to rely on his grandparents to look after him, even part time, as their time with him should be fun and a choice not a necessity and they have their own lives too, but I’d never be able to afford enough childcare to do full time – nor would I want to because honestly I want my son to grow up knowing me not a nursery.

So here I am, torn between wanting what I believe is best for my son, and what I can afford, and needing to do a lot more research before I finally decide what I want to and can do.