Looming

The second anniversary of Effy-Mae’s death and subsequent birth are looming.
They’re written on my calendar.
Circled in pink.
Imprinted on my mind.
Looming.
Creeping up on me.
I wish I could rewind time and for it to not happen.
For there to be no anniversary to celebrate mourn.
What is the right word?
I can’t celebrate her birthday like I will celebrate Jacksons in 2 months.
Her birthday should be in October.
There should be cake and balloons and dresses and a toddler running around, excited to be 2!
In October!
There will be balloons and presents…
and a grave.
In June.
How do you survive a birthday that shouldn’t be?
For a baby who isn’t here.
With a baby who is.
With a baby who made it through.
A baby who was born when they should be,
alive.
A baby who is himself approaching his 1st birthday.
Who will get the balloons and the cake and the party that she should have.
I don’t want to mourn on her birthday.
I don’t want to mourn her at all.
But especially not on what should be a happy day.
Infront of her brother who knows no sadness.
So we will celebrate.
Celebrate the life I carried.
The life that should have been.
We will honour her.
My daughter.
His big sister.
Our baby in the clouds.

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  • An 'Angel Baby' is a baby lost during pregnancy or early childhood, who sleeps in the clouds instead of our arms.

    A 'Rainbow Baby' is a baby born following the loss of an 'Angel Baby', a beacon of hope after a storm, while not denying the storm happened.

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