I am currently 21 weeks pregnant.
Exactly the gestation that I lost my little girl.
This pregnancy has been relatively uncomplicated, and well monitored, yet still the fear remains.
Since before I even conceived I started to think what I would do if I lost this baby, I didn’t purposefully think about it, but thoughts popped into my head and plans formed.
I know I would want them buried in the same cemetery as my daughter, even though I no longer live in the qualifying area, so I am aware that begging and human kindness would have to be involved to even allow that to happen, and that worries me that even that isn’t guaranteed.
These babies won’t have the same surname as my girl as I am no longer with her father, but I would want them to have a matching headstone, preferably next to hers.

No mother should have these thoughts running through their head before their plans for what they will do with their newborn baby, but this is what loss does to you. I was unprepared last time and I don’t want to be caught out again.
Sometimes though, it worries me that being so organised about that outcome is almost tempting fate, and yet the thoughts keep coming, the plans get more detailed in my head, all while I hope against hope that these babies stay put and keep their hearts beating til full term.