Confused

I haven’t responded to this pregnancy how I expected to.
Obviously I’m happy that its finally happened, this was so planned, but I somehow can’t get excited.
I always thought I’d announce as soon as I had my 8 week scan, screw the 12 week rule, I know better than most that you can lose babies at any stage, but that was over a week ago now and I haven’t done anything about it.
I haven’t exactly kept it a secret either though, anyone at work whos seen me go green round the gills and either leg it to a loo or sit down has then been told why, and everyone has been very happy and supportive, but somehow I can’t bring myself to put it up on facebook, make it official.
I’ve had a few less positive comments about having twins, I understand that I had more say in having two than most, but its not as if it wasn’t thought through, and comments like “how will you cope” and “can you afford two?” aren’t remotely helpful, like what am I going to do about it now? They’re both in there… hopefully going nowhere.
At the same time I’m terrified that they will go somewhere, that I will end up with no babies. I can’t bring myself to look at my scan pictures too much, whereas with my first two pregnancies the scan pictures immediately became my wallpaper on my phone, these are hidden in my camera roll only looked at when I need to be reminded that this is actually happening.
I’m hoping that after the 12 week scan I will allow myself to relax a little into this pregnancy, but I’m not confident that will happen.

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Midwife Booking Appointment

Today was quite a big landmark for me, the first official thing that a parent who conceives naturally would also do, I am finally pregnant enough to be having NHS appointments about this baby!
The midwife was lovely, however will not be the midwife I will see for the rest of my pregnancy as she is going on her own maternity leave in 3 weeks!
She took detailed notes of my history, including my thyroid issues and antiphospholipid syndrome and talked openly about Effy-Mae which was nice that unlike previous people I have seen, she recognised she was a baby with a name despite her legally not being seen as such.
She discussed what immunisations I should have, suggesting I had the flu jab ASAP and the Whooping Cough after 28 weeks.
I am high risk due to my previous loss caused by Antiphospholipid syndrome, my thyroid issues, and the fact it is a multiple pregnancy.
She referred me to a ‘twin specialist’ consultant, meaning all hospital appointments will be at the ‘twin clinic’ on a Thursday, which works perfectly for me since I don’t work Thursdays.
She was very thorough and I left feeling quietly confident that maybe this pregnancy would go to plan.

Viability Scan

So after weeks of feeling rubbish, only leaving the sofa for work and throwing up I scraped myself up and went for my viability scan today. This scan essentially shows that baby is there, in the right place and maybe, if you’re lucky, a heartbeat.

I wasn’t looking forward to this appointment, after three weeks of spotting I was pretty sure that something would have gone wrong, that baby would have stopped developing and all my symptoms would have been for nothing, so me and my mum sat in the waiting room nervously.

The sonographer was lovely and quickly got down to the scan. She turned the screen towards herself to start with and I closed my eyes and waited for the ‘I’m sorry’ but within a few seconds she said ‘so you had a double transfer’ I said ‘yes…’ and she goes ‘well you have two lovely babies in there…’ and she turned the screen towards me and you could clearly see both sacs and two little babies. She then focused on each in turn showing me their little ticking hearts and I relaxed. Mum pointed out that she hadn’t seen me that happy in months.

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Now I know it was a risk that I would end up with twins with a double transfer, but it also increased the chances of atleast one of them sticking at all, which after all this time of failed treatments and false starts, seemed worth it to me, however I really didn’t expect them both to stick around!

This will be a challenge, as obviously it is only me, and I will now have two newborns to look after on my own, and it is extra pressure on my parents who will have the babies when I’m at work, this is something I am aware of and will have to make sure they don’t feel it’s too much for them, if it is I will have to rethink a few things…

Twins however come with advantages… they will always have each other, and knowing that their family is a little different I think this will really help them not to feel alone, and when the time comes to maybe contact their donor, they have each other who know exactly what they’re going through. It was always my plan to have two more babies, they just came on a BOGOF offer instead of four years apart as I was planning.

So now I have to keep those two little hearts beating for 7 more months and grow these two little aphids into beautiful babies. It will be added pressure on my body, but the hospital will keep a close eye on me so I have every hope that we will make it and that September will welcome two little bundles into my family.

6 Weeks and Morning Sickness

‘How are you?’ ‘ I feel sick and everything smells!’

Heightened sense of smell isn’t something I experienced before and I can’t say I’m enjoying it! I can smell slight changes in the air in my house, I can smell myself even though I’ve just showered, I can smell food a room away… it’s a nightmare!

On Wednesday I turned 6 weeks pregnant! What! This is a milestone for me that I was simultaneously hoping to reach, and dreading; at 6 weeks during both my previous pregnancies morning sickness has kicked in.

This pregnancy has not disappointed, in fact, from around 5 weeks food aversions and slight nausea started, getting progressively worse until 6 weeks… Wednesday, and bam. I couldn’t look at food, and I threw up!

But this pregnancy is different. In fact, each of mine have been. In my first I was working full time. I was fine, nauseous and running to the toilet throughout the workday to throw up, but I had warning, could get across a shop floor, upstairs and into the toilet before hurling. In my second I wasn’t working. I started off in my own house, and ended up staying at my parents in bed hugging a bowl for 2 months with a slight detour via hospital being hooked up to a drip for 3 days. The throwing up was instantaneous with no warning, but afterwards I was ok, and able to eat my dinner. However I still managed to lose nearly 2 stone. This one? CONSTANT nausea, but I seem to be able to mostly hold off the sickness with deep breathing and thinking of ANYTHING other than food!

But this is tough. Last time I didn’t have any other commitments, I was able to spend 2 months in bed, this time I have a job and a 4 year old… how are you meant to feel so completely rough and still be around to do what you need to do? School runs and shifts and appointments, when all you want to do is lay in bed and cuddle a bowl!

To top all of this off, the spotting has continued for over a week now, getting no worse but no better either. Still brown not red and the clinic have said not to worry… easier said than done! What if this pregnancy is all over already and I’m putting up with this morning sickness for nothing?? I literally will not relax til I see on a scan that Aphid is ok, and even then, relax is a strong word! I can’t see me doing much of that for the next 7 months!

Hopefully everything is ok, the spotting is just one of those things and the morning sickness is the positive sign I have always previously taken it to be!

Spotting

BLOOD!
Panic stations!
Well. A little bit of spotting.
PANIC!
I had the same level, infact, a bit more, during my two week wait, which stopped as quickly as it arrived.
So maybe there is no need to panic…
Or maybe there is?
This has lasted a bit longer, but is less.
I never spotted at all with my first two…
I did have a massive bleed at 10 weeks with Effy-Mae, which she survived, but they believe was caused by a clot which eventually killed her.
The reason I am now on fragmin in any future pregnancies.
I have been reassured by the twitter community that spotting is normal,
moreso with IVF pregnancies due to all the hormones, and progesterone pessaries apparently don’t help.
I hope this will stop soon and I can relax again, but I don’t think the worry will ever go.

Second Official Test

Today I took my second official test. It was a nervewracking week – more so than I expected, and I ended up doing a test halfway through, on the Monday, which still showed a nice strong line. By Thursday I was pretty confident that it would still be positive, but there was still a nagging doubt. But first thing this morning that nice strong line appeared again, reassuring me that Aphid was still in there.

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After the school run I phoned my clinic to let them know the results of the test and to book in my early pregnancy scan which has to be between day 35 and 45 (actual age, not since LMP). This was booked for 15th February, day 44. 22 days seems like a very long time!

I went up to the clinic this afternoon to get my fragmin injections (blood thinners) that I have been on since the first positive test and will be on for the duration of the pregnancy, and on the way back I popped into my doctors surgery to inform them of my pregnancy and so they could let the fetal medicine team know and get me an appointment to discuss the fragmin. The receptionist instantly booked me a midwife appointment and said that she deals with all of that, so that is booked in for 8th February. I’m a bit worried about having it before my scan to check that everything is ok, but also the sooner I am under the fetal medicine team at the hospital, the better.

Worry

I’m pregnant.
The lines on the multiple tests I took show that.
The lack of a period shows that.
So why am I worrying that I’m not?!
Why do I feel the need to take another test to check that the line is still strong?
I always thought people were mad for taking multiple tests – false positives are almost unheard of.
But that’s not the reason.
I don’t disbelieve that I was pregnant, I disbelieve that I still am,
that this baby hasn’t slipped through my fingers already.
I took another test this morning.
Just to check.
A strong line.
My next official test for the clinic is on Thursday.
I won’t test again before then.
But I also won’t let myself believe I am pregnant.
I played these mind games with myself when I was pregnant with Jackson, and up until 30 weeks I didn’t let myself believe I was going to have this baby.
Maybe once I’ve had a scan, and there’s a heartbeat, will I let it sink in a little bit,
allow myself a glimmer of hope.
Then again, maybe not.
There is a long way to fall from a glimmer of hope.
I will take this one day at a time and see how I feel, but I am determined to enjoy this pregnancy, however long it lasts!

 

Aphid

I always name my bumps, and it’s an important decision because it’s what they are going to be known as for the next 16 weeks until I find out if they are a boy or a girl!

Effy-Mae was called Jellybean (a name that even appears on her headstone), Jackson was Shrimp, and after a lot of thought this little one will be known as Aphid.
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I was looking for an animal or plant that procreated alone as I thought that would be funny seen as how I am doing this on my own, I also looked up things that are 2mm – the size baby was when I found out it had stuck. Aphid came up in both categories and it seems perfect!

Come on little Aphid, only 33 weeks and 3 days left (assuming I am induced at 38 weeks as I was last time)

Official Test

Tests

Transfer: Monday 7th January 2019

Wednesday 9th: Negative

Thursday 10th: Negative

Friday 11th: Negative – Looked again 4 hours later and saw a slight watermark.
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Retested at 9pm, maybe a very faint line?
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Saturday 12th: Faint positive?
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Sunday 13th: Faint positive, but I started to bleed. Bought a more expensive, supposedly more sensitive test. Line still as faint. Miscarriage? Fading out again?
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Monday 14th: Positive. No more bleeding
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Tuesday 15th: Positive
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Wednesday 16th: Positive. Took an ‘Official clinic test’ I had leftover from a failed IUI. Quite a strong line!

OFFICIAL TEST DAY TOMORROW BUT I THINK I KNOW THE RESULT!

  • An 'Angel Baby' is a baby lost during pregnancy or early childhood, who sleeps in the clouds instead of our arms.

    A 'Rainbow Baby' is a baby born following the loss of an 'Angel Baby', a beacon of hope after a storm, while not denying the storm happened.

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