I haven’t had sex for 19 months.

I haven’t felt loved for 18 months.

I’ve been single for 12 months.

I miss being loved. I miss being held. I miss being wanted.

I love Jackson, I have thrown myself into parenting him and I haven’t felt like I’ve missed anything until now. Now when I see people in relationships and happy and I realise I had blanked out that option, I had given up on maybe having that. I’m 23! I shouldn’t give up on romantic happiness!

I’d been hanging on to the hope that maybe I would get back with Jacksons dad. Whether that be for the happy family image or to stop him taking Jackson away from me, or maybe I didn’t think I could do any better, but whichever it was I think I’ve given up on that idea. I’ve waited for him to grow up, be responsible, be the dad, be the man that I want, that Jackson needs, but I can’t wait forever. I can’t keep my life on hold just hoping.

I often curse myself for falling for him, for giving him two children, but I didn’t give him the children, we gave those children life. Without him, Jackson, this little boy who is growing up before my eyes wouldn’t be here. Even if I’d had a baby at the same time, without his dad he wouldn’t be the same. So I can’t regret it, I can never regret it. Whatever ends up happening between us.

I’ve lost my nice body, I’ve lost my carefree attitude, I’ve gained another person in my life who will always be the most important one in my life, and all these things will make it harder for me to find someone else, harder for me to put myself out there.

So I suppose now I need to work out how to date with a baby. Obviously I won’t even introduce him until it’s been a while or it’s not fair on Jackson, but that’ll mean babysitters so I can go on dates, and the whole concept of that terrifies me!

I think I may wait a while to be honest, get my body back to something I feel comfortable in and get my life in some sort of order before I go trying to add other people into the mix. That, or maybe just time to gear myself up!

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  • An 'Angel Baby' is a baby lost during pregnancy or early childhood, who sleeps in the clouds instead of our arms.

    A 'Rainbow Baby' is a baby born following the loss of an 'Angel Baby', a beacon of hope after a storm, while not denying the storm happened.

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