I knew that I’d be nervous about Jackson, after losing Effy-Mae I am constantly terrified about losing him too.
Before he was born I picked out the monitor I wanted, the all singing, all dancing sound, video and movement monitor from AngelCare. Even now, I daren’t put him down in his cot for more than 5 minutes without turning on the movement monitor. What if in the 5 minutes I’m on the loo he stops breathing?? It’s silly. Totally ridiculous. It’s something I’ve had to let go of a bit for cosleeping, obviously the movement sensor would just pick up my movements in the bed so I have to go without when he’s in with me, and this still scares me every time. I’m trying to wean him off it and get him into his own cot, but he seems fairly attached!
When I drive with him in the car I take extra care, driving slowly, leaving bigger stopping distances than normal, and I trust myself more than anyone else. When someone else is driving I sit next to him ready to throw myself over him if anything happens, constantly on edge. I don’t get people who don’t take extra care when he’s in the car – his dad drove us down to Kent to see some of his family and was leaving a car length stopping distance at 70mph. I spent the whole journey leaning over Jackson, fingers on his chin to stop his head whipping forwards if we crashed. Again it’s excessive, I’m sure most parents just put them in the car seat and think no more of it, but I just can’t. I run through every eventuality in my head!
At a group the other day there were older children around and they stood over him and another child of a similar age to him, their feet were getting close to their faces and I picked him straight up out of the situation but the other mum just left her child there. She was more trusting of the other children than me and her child was fine, but I just couldn’t take that risk! It was a similar situation with some toys out in a room, Jackson pulled a foily sheet over his face and I instantly took it off again and pushed it away from him – what if it smothered him? What if I was talking to another mum and didn’t notice? But another baby did the exact same thing and it’s mum just watched it and again baby was fine. I know I overreacted!
I’ve surprised myself though in one sense, I’m not worried about germs! If his dummy goes on the floor (at home) as long as it doesn’t have any hairs on he can have it back – obviously out in public it’s a different story. I let him play with and suck toys at play groups and in general I’m not worried! I’d expected myself to be overprotective in this aspect too, but I’ve come to the realisation that he is tougher than he looks!

I know that I’m overprotective, but I know what losing a child is like and I can’t go through it again.

I love this quote because it’s so very true.
My parents are amazing and as I expected are making fantastic grandparents.
Since I was little I always wanted to have my children young for two reasons.
1) My parents were older when they had me (there’s a 12 year age gap between me and my older brothers) so they were always older than the other parents in the playground and I wanted my children to have the ‘cool younger mum’ – though times have changed and I am by no means young by today’s standards!
2) I wanted my children to know their grandparents. I barely knew mine, one died before I was born and the last one when I was 6. I’ve always felt I missed a special relationship there and I wanted my children to have this, and the flipside to this, and I think my main driving reason was I wanted my parents to be grandparents and to see their grandchildren grow up.
Although I have older brothers, neither have had children yet so with Jackson being the first grandchild that they have got to spend time with (Effy-Mae will always be the firstborn) he is being very well spoilt – both affection and toy wise!
I am so proud that I got to give my parents this experience, I love watching the special bond develop between grandparents and grandson and hopefully they will get to become grandparents many more times over in the near future as they definitely deserve it.

Everyone says that you lose friends when you have a baby, but I never believed them. My group of friends was tight-knit. I’d known them mostly since I was 11 so they had stood the test of time.
When I was pregnant with Effy-Mae they were excited – almost as excited as me, and when I lost her they were all there for me, coming back from far afield to see me before I went in to deliver her. I texted them throughout my labour, they kept me strong after, assuring me they were always there. I threw myself into the friendships then, talking more and we became even closer.
When I announced I was pregnant again, they were the first to know, at the same time as my parents. Throughout the pregnancy they got more and more excited, sending me pictures of clothes they had bought him, liking all the photos I put on Facebook, following my Twitter and blog for updates, assuring me that they’d see him as soon as he was born. They seemed as excited as me. When I broke up with Jacksons dad they supported me through it and filled that emotional void in my life.
After he was born some stuck to their words and see him as often as possible. Others have absolutely broken my heart. Those I considered my best friends have only just seen come to him at 5months old – others still haven’t seen him. I don’t know what changed, what made them suddenly not want to know, but even when I send them pictures of him (very occasionally as there seems little point) they rarely even comment so much as an aww they just change the subject.
I’ve tried since he was born to make new friends with mums of babies the same age, for his sake as much as mine, but that doesn’t seem to be going so well either.
I’m lonely.
My New Years resolution is to find new friends and I’m joining lots of groups to try to make this become a reality because I can’t go on having the only conversations with adults being with my parents or via whatsapp!

Jackson is 6 Months old on Wednesday.
How did that happen?
He is not my newborn baby boy of the summer anymore. He is into everything and will, I reckon, soon be crawling – he’s already dragging himself around with his arms. He will be starting to wean on Wednesday, leaving the complete reliance of breastfeeding behind. He will soon be sitting in his high chair, throwing mushed up vegetables at my walls!
It doesn’t seem 5 minutes since I was hugely pregnant, struggling to breastfeed, worrying about taking him out and about, but on the other hand it seems like a lifetime ago. I am so used to him now I can normally tell what he wants and when he will want it before he asks.
He has grown so much – newborn clothes used to be too big for him, but now he’s firmly in 3-6month clothes, even outgrowing some of them! His once skinny legs are chubby and his face has filled out no end. He is now a properly handsome boy – even if I do say so myself!
He hasn’t started teething yet however they are bothering him as he dribbles a lot and is shoving everything in his mouth. I think this is also affecting his sleeping as he uses me as a comfort blanket when things get sore. I’m trying not to dose him up on teething gels and Calpol however sometimes it is unavoidable as he’s been screaming in pain.
He’s been rolling over for weeks, can pick up his dummy and put it back in his mouth and he started clapping on Christmas Day!
He’s always preferred being stood up since he was tiny, but now he stands up with minimal support and he bounces like mad too! His new nickname is Tigger!
I have bought him a ‘Baby Bud’ booster seat from Mamas and Papas ready for weaning which he has been enjoying with his activity tray since Christmas. It stores nicely on a dining chair thus taking up no extra room which is handy in a small house. He seems to enjoy it and manages to sit up with only a little support on his lower back. I don’t think it’ll be long until he’s sitting unaided.

Watching him grow and develop so quickly is amazing. He is fast becoming his own person. He hates being still – we started baby massage and while all the other babies are lying there quite happily he wants to be rolling over and seeing what’s going on and what there is to play with! It’s kind of annoying that he doesn’t like baby massage but it’s amazing to see him so much more into things than the other babies of the same age. Something tells me I am going to have my hands full with him, but he is still my little baby.
Being a single parent I think the bond is a lot stronger than it would’ve been necessarily as a family unit as it has just been the two of us. His dad visits a couple of times a week but obviously Jackson is more attached to me. It has its disadvantages too as night feeds are not fun when it’s you only doing them – I found that cosleeping helped in the early days, however I am finding it difficult to break that habit and get him into his own cot now. I see my parents quite a lot, be it them popping over for a cuppa and a cuddle or me going to theirs for a good square meal. Without them I would have gone insane a long time ago.
The last six months have been a huge learning curve. This parenting lark is hard. I would have been lost without all the help I’ve had from my family, but I think I am getting the hang of it. This little boy is literally growing before my eyes and it is scary and amazing in equal measure. But more than anything I love him with all my heart.