When I booked my 30 week growth scan I didn’t even register the date, as my clinic is only on a Thursday I don’t have any choice in date, but as the day drew closer it dawned on me that I’d be having a scan exactly a year after my last scan I had with my daughter, the one that told me she had no heartbeat. The one that ended my life as I knew it. As this appointment crept up on me I was overcome with nerves that maybe I’d be told the same, maybe time would repeat itself, maybe this would be it, maybe May 29th wasn’t my date.

I half convinced myself that the scan would only give me bad news, but Jackson seemed keen to prove to me that he wasn’t leaving me as he kicked up a storm the whole morning. This gave me great comfort as I walked into the scan knowing that he had been kicking less that half an hour before.
The sonographer was really lovely and talked us through everything that she did, measuring his head and abdomen circumference and his femur length. She also checked the levels of fluid around him and that he was getting enough blood through the umbilical cord. She then showed us his kidneys and bladder and stomach and told us that everything was looking perfect. She plotted his growth on my chart and it was near enough exactly on the middle line where it should be. Completely reassured we returned to the waiting room to wait for the consultants to call me. I couldn’t wait to text my parents to tell them that everything was ok.

We were called in by the maternal medicine consultant who told me that because I’m on dalteparin I cannot have an epidural within 12hours of having my injection and that this is non negotiable. I told her that I was definitely not planning on having one – I like my spine too much! She also said that even if I needed an emergency Csection within 12 hours of an injection that I would have to have a general anaesthetic. Again, this isn’t an issue for me. She also reiterated that I wouldn’t be allowed to go overdue, and she wrote this in my notes, it seemed that although this had been told to me it had never been written down!
She also told me why they measure the fluid around baby which I found interesting – the fluid around baby is mostly baby’s wee. If baby isn’t getting enough blood flow from the placenta the baby diverts the blood to the brain to keep it alive, and away from the kidneys which means they wee less, therefore reducing the amount of fluid around baby! Jacksons levels were perfectly normal, so no cause for concern! We didn’t have any other questions for her so we went back to wait to see the endocrinology consultant about my thyroid.
As soon as we got in the room he told me he wanted to take me off Carbimazole. I was only on 5mg a day which he assured me wasn’t that much and my levels have been steady for the last few tests. He wants me to have a blood test before my next appointment with him so he can check that I’m doing ok without any medication, but he expects it to be ok. He then told me that if your thyroid becomes over active during pregnancy and goes away during, that it is likely to return quite badly afterwards, but as they are aware of that they will keep a close eye on me and hopefully catch it before it gets too bad.
So all in all it seemed very positive. I am booked back in 4 weeks for another growth scan and endocrinology appointment.

Yesterday was my 28 week midwife appointment and I wasn’t holding out much hope that I’d actually get to see MY midwife who I have only met once, at my 8 week appointment, but to my surprise it was actually her (completely didn’t recognise her after 20 weeks!) I gave her a quick summary of what has been happening – overactive thyroid, being put on anticoagulant injections and my recent trip to the delivery suite and she seemed really nice and understanding and made time for everything I needed, quite unlike all the other midwives I have been seeing in her place who just seem to want me in and out.

She got me to lie on the couch, and measuring my bump I measured at 29cm which is perfect as I was 28weeks 6days, and feeling for him she said his head was down with his bum out to one side. I commented that he had been upside down since 24 weeks and she said that she would prefer he stayed in that at position now and not suddenly turn the wrong way! She listened to his heartbeat, finding it instantly and said it sounded strong and even. Which is good, it was incredibly reassuring that at yet another appointment everything seemed perfect.

I told her that my pelvis/lower back had been hurting recently and she told me about trying a pelvic rock exercise where you lie down and slowly tilt your bum down and your pubic bone up. She said that this can sometimes relieve any pressure on nerves etc. but that if the pain persisted, that the hospital had pregnancy physios who would be able to say whether it was anything more than the normal relaxing of ligaments.

She took the routine 28 week bloods and also kindly did the bloods my consultant has requested for my appointment next week – one less needle!

She then asked if anyone had discussed antenatal classes etc with me, and when we said no she went on to discuss delivery which she told me due to my clotting issues I will be on the delivery suite and not the midwife led birthing unit, just so there is a doctor on hand if necessary, and she also answered questions that I had about being induced, that if I am to be induced it will still be a natural labour unless of course he decides to go breach or has some other complications.
She talked us through booking antenatal classes that she recommended taking at around 32 weeks and she also told us about a whooping cough vaccine which is ideally administered between 28-32 weeks. I think I need to do a bit more research before I make any decisions on that one, she didn’t seem overly confident on it, and her response to “is it safe?” was that they had obviously tested it and considered it so.

I came away from the appointment feeling really positive, I am even starting to SLOWLY let myself believe that I am pregnant, and that in less than 3 months I could actually be bringing my baby home! (How scary is that?) People are starting to ask me now if I have got everything and whether I’m ready. I think by this stage most women have nested, bought the essentials and will spend the last 10 weeks relaxing and putting finishing touches to things, but I haven’t even looked at anything through fear that I won’t need it. That I will spend weeks looking through catalogues and websites for it to end up having been hours of pointless research. I am going to start looking from 30 weeks (NEXT WEEK!) but will hold off actually shopping until 36 weeks, hopefully by then it will be a case of knowing exactly what I want and going and getting it. This is purely a self preservation thing, but I’d rather not set up a nursery to have to take it all apart and return the room to a guest room

Today I am sitting feeling Jackson kicking up a storm, back to his usual over-lively self. Unfortunately, however, his severe reduced movements since Saturday prompted me to make a trip up to the hospital last night.

Since Saturday I have noticed I could sit for long periods of time and not feel him kicking at all, very unusual as normally as soon as I sit down he starts kicking up a storm, all the consultants and midwives have commented on his kicking, and lots of strong kicks all the time is what I was used to. As soon as I realised he wasn’t being as active as usual I took really careful note on when he was moving and found he was still quite active for periods of time, but then he went for big gaps with nothing. It was almost unheard of for me to be able to sit down lift up my top and my stomach to remain motionless, but that was what was happening. I debated calling my midwife then, but figured he was clearly still ok because of the periods of intense movement I was feeling.
He wasn’t overly active Monday night, but I decided to wait until Tuesday morning and call a midwife if he wasn’t active then, but in typical fashion he had a really active couple of hours Tuesday morning which completely put my mind at rest, that he had been having a lazy bank holiday weekend like everyone had told me. I had a busy day Tuesday and didn’t spend any time seeing if he was moving, by the time I sat down Tuesday evening and began watching TV it was already quite late. I automatically put my hand to my stomach and didn’t feel anything. I rolled on my left side, nothing. Throughout the evening I had hot and cold drinks, sat in different positions and through it all only felt a couple of really faint kicks which were so faint I couldn’t even be sure that they were him. At this point I panicked. Should I have called someone sooner? Was it already too late? I checked his heart with my home doppler and thankfully there was still a heartbeat which the display said was about 140 which was normal for him. I decided at this point to call the midwife as his lack of movement in the evening was unheard of. I don’t think I’ve gone an evening not feeling him since I started feeling him at about 17/18 weeks!
By this time it was about 22.20 so I called the 24hour Medicom number and she told me to ring straight through to delivery suite with reduced movements so I could talk to a midwife and they’d decide where to go from there. Panicking now I rang and they asked what I had done to try and get him to move. She agreed with everything I’d tried, and her final suggestion was that I have a bath and lie on my left side and feel for any kicks. I did this remaining in the bath for around 20 minutes and in that time only felt around 6 faint kicks. I rang them straight back and they told me to come in, however warning me there could be a 3 hour wait. At this point I felt like I was being told not to bother, but I insisted I would like to get checked and went in.

On the drive there I felt a few kicks to my bladder, reassuring me he was still with us, but again nothing like as strong as his normal movements. We were told to wait in the waiting room with two other pregnant ladies, both a lot more pregnant than me, and that they would try and see us as soon as possible. After over an hour wait I had only felt another couple of faint kicks, but I was reassured that if things were going wrong that we were in the right place.
We were called through and she asked me to do her a urine sample which she checked and came back fine. She then asked me to lay on the bed and she tried to listen to his heartbeat with one of the ear cones, and as soon as she layed it on my belly he kicked her in the ear. Not a feeble little kick like I’d been feeling but a massive tummy shaking kick. After that she strapped me up to a monitor to check for any contractions and listen to baby’s heart. She couldn’t find his heartbeat for ages, but we weren’t worried as by this point he had really woken up and was kicking a lot. Eventually she found it, but as soon as she started monitoring it he moved again. He continued this dance for about 20 minutes! She gave me a clicker to press wherever I felt him moving, which turned out to be quite a lot. At one point she had the heart monitor on him and he appeared to have the hiccups as I felt tiny little movements and the monitor fuzzed very rhythmically and close together. Eventually she decided she had enough readings and that he was absolutely fine. His heart rate went up with movement and remained well within the normal range, with his resting pulse being about 135-140, and the monitor had picked up no contractions.
I must admit I felt a total idiot! He had been quiet for days and then as soon as I ask for him to be checked he has a party, but it was totally worth being checked. As stupid as I felt the relief that washed over me after days of constant worry and being on the verge of panic plastered a smile over my face that won’t go away!

The reasons people gave me for him being quieter ranged from he’s running out of space so he will move less, to he’s being quiet because he’s growing, and the full range in between (he’s just lazy, you’re missing the movements) but only I know his normal pattern and that he wasn’t being normal, and after my experience last time it is worth getting anything out of the norm checked out. Now he is back to normal again I can relax.

This all got me wondering, however, because when I had my miscarriage last time I KNEW categorically that something was wrong, call it maternal instinct, I couldn’t sleep and I couldn’t shake the feeling off, but this time I wasn’t sure. The feeling wasn’t so strong. I wasn’t sure if that was because it was just me panicking and not maternal instinct at all, or whether it was maternal instinct that my brain was dulling down by telling me I was probably just panicking.

I am so glad I went to get checked, the midwife was really friendly and didn’t seem bothered that we were in essence wasting her time after he started having a party, but as she told me, they’d rather see me in there once a week and for everything to be ok than to not see me at full term because I ignored a sign and lost him.

Last night Jackson was kicking like mad while I painted my nails (jogging me constantly!) almost as soon as I’d finished, however, he pretty much stopped. I concentrated until bedtime, not feeling much, but consoled myself that he had been kicking lots earlier and had probably just worn himself out and I eventually managed to get to sleep.
I woke up this morning and my first thought before I even opened my eyes was whether Jackson was kicking. I refused to open them until I felt him, and lo and behold there was a a tiny kick. I continued concentrating all morning and only felt a few more tiny kicks. Panicking slightly by this point I got out my home doppler and used it to reassure myself. As soon as I put it to my tummy, even before I heard his heartbeat I felt a huge kick, followed by a few more. I then heard his heartbeat, but know that that’s not an indication that everything is fine, merely he is still alive. After I turned the doppler off he kicked for another few minutes, then nothing again. By this point I was really starting to worry.
I managed to calm down enough to eat lunch, but then continued to sit concentrating. Nothing. I really started to panic at this point, imagining a trip to the hospital, hearing those awful words that he has no heartbeat, wondering what they would do then.
Following this I remembered that he likes Dom Littlewoods voice from Don’t Get Done Get Dom and Cowboy Builders, and kicks like mad everytime I watch the programs, so I stuck on iPlayer and loaded a program. I then stuck my headphones to my bump and there he was kicking away. I breathed a massive sigh of relief and changed it to an audiobook. He clearly didn’t enjoy that as he almost instantly stopped kicking…
I’m still (massively) panicking that he’s not moving as much as normal as obviously it could be a sign of things starting to go wrong, but I will spend my afternoon relaxing and concentrating to make sure he starts moving more, and if not I will call my midwife. I couldn’t bare for this pregnancy to end now.

Today was the day of my 26 week growth scan (at 25 weeks 6 days!). This scan was initially not scheduled in my care plan of scans every 4 weeks (24, 28, 32 etc.) but for some reason two weeks ago the consultant decided to book me in for it.
Not knowing why this scan had been booked I was worried that maybe they had found something last time and not told me, so I approached this scan with trepidation.
I was called in for the scan quite quickly, and found that the lady was really friendly. I asked at the beginning for a couple of pictures, and I also asked if she could just double check for me that he was indeed a boy.
She started at his head, moving down she checked he had a heartbeat, then went straight to check the gender and low and behold I could tell he was a boy even without her telling me! It is amazing the growth and development from the 20 week scan where I couldn’t see anything when they told me he was a boy and pointed to what they said was the penis and scrotum, to the 26 week scan where I could clearly see what it was! So there is now definitely no doubt he is a little Jackson Theo!
She then went on to measure his head circumference, his abdominal circumference and femur length – at which point she begged him not to kick while she tried to get a good angle! Infact I was amazed at how still he remained throughout the scan having been kicking like mad in the waiting room before it! After that she checked my fluid levels, and at this point I got a bit worried. I hadn’t noticed in any of the other scans how many measurements they took of this, though had you asked I’d probably have guessed at one. This time however she took lots at all different points. After this she went to plot everything on the computer and graphs and told me that everything seemed good but would be discussed further with the consultant.

Following my scan I was called in to see a maternal medicine consultant – one I hadn’t come across before. He went through everything with me, and decided to continue with the 4 weekly growth scans from today meaning my next one will be at 30 weeks not 28. I asked him about my injections as my side is starting to bruise again, and I am sometimes bleeding a lot when I inject. He told me to change location, so I will try the left side of my bump to give my right side a break. I have been avoiding the left side as it is difficult to reach around the bump! He told me that he was very happy with Jacksons growth and how the pregnancy is progressing. I asked about the multiple fluid level measurements and he reassured me that she was just measuring at different points around baby but that it was all normal.
I then saw an endocrinology registrar who told me that it won’t be necessary to change me back to PTU towards the end of pregnancy as this is done because it transfers less in breast milk. However as I am on the lowest dose possible of Carbimazole that will be safe even if I have to continue taking Carbimazole when I breastfeed. He also gave me a blood test form to test my antibody levels, I’m booked in for that blood test tomorrow morning, and I am to have a thyroid function test in 4 weeks just before returning to clinic.
After a very positive clinic everything is still looking good and as after each positive outcome I can feel everyone around me breathing another little sigh of relief. With each positive result I allow myself to believe a little more that I will be bringing my little boy home, and that I will get to raise this child.

Yesterday I had my 25 week midwife appointment – yet another new midwife! It seems that although I am under one particular midwife she is rarely there, infact the twice I saw a midwife in my last pregnancy neither time did I see her, and now I have been three times in this pregnancy and I only saw her at my 8 week appointment!

This time I was seen by both a midwife and student midwife. While the midwife was reading through my notes the student midwife checked my urine and blood pressure and then asked me to lie on the bed so she could measure baby and listen to his heart. At this point she started poking my belly (quite hard – I would never dare press that hard in fear of poking him in the face!!) and announced that she had just felt a limb up the top above my belly button. She measured from there to (after prodding me hard in the crotch) my pubic bone and measured me at 28 weeks… (I’m only 25) She then felt round the side and said she was feeling his back and then she tried to listen to his heartbeat. After a couple of attempts the midwife swept in and took over the prodding announcing that his feet were up the top and that his head was down in my pelvis (the same position he was in at the scan) she measured me and got me to measure at 24 weeks (I think I will wait for the growth scan to see how big he actually is because it seems a bit of an inaccurate science measuring from a point they aren’t sure about!) The midwife then had the same amount of difficulty as the student midwife in finding the heartbeat – I wasn’t particularly concerned, I had felt him move just before I set off to the appointment and they seemed to just be poking it in one place and removing it rather than trying a whole area as every other midwife has. Eventually she found it and his heart was beating approx 148bpm.

My belly button has started to pop out recently and the skin around my piercing has been going a bit red – I assume where it is stretching. I have started cleaning it daily and it doesn’t seem to be infected, I just think that the skin ripped and it is now healing. The midwife picked up on the fact it was red and told me that if it gets any worse I will need antibiotics.

After they had done prodding my stomach they asked if I had any questions to which I asked how I should know if he was moving enough and was told that if I don’t feel 12 distinct movements in 10 hours to see someone. Now that seems a really small amount of movements! He can easily do that in 10 minutes! I don’t think I will be paying any attention to that advice and will be concentrating on what he normally does, and as normal, worrying if he doesn’t move for 5 minutes!

Then while making small talk the student midwife asked if this was my first pregnancy. I hate being asked this question, not because I don’t want to talk about it but because I hate making people feel awkward. I told her that no I lost my first pregnancy at 21 weeks so this was my second and she went really sheepish after that. It’s a standard question that lots of people ask, and I am not ashamed to tell the truth, it just ends conversations really quickly and makes the person who asked the question feel really awkward. I suppose it’s the same whoever died, asking someone about a particular family member when they are dead is also awkward, but I suppose maybe a bit more socially accepted as likely to be the case.

They then told me to book my next midwife appointment at 28 weeks so that is now booked in for 22 May. I’m pretty sure my life is ruled by appointments at the moment, and it seems midwife appointments are approximately every three weeks now and with scans every 4 and the occasional blood test I suppose I’d better get a move on with organising a shopping list – I’m sure time is about to start flying!!