So after a quick and decisive initial shopping spree for all the major purchases I needed to make for Jackson, infact the majority of it has gone back!
The cotbed was damaged, meaning that the rest of the multibuy offer had to be returned, and after a lot of deliberation about the pram I finally decided to take that back too.
The cotbed doesn’t bother me, I have a crib which will do for the first 6 months while he will be in my room, and so I have this time until I need a cotbed anyway. During which time I hope to find the perfect one for the right price. I shall not rush into buying another one.
The pram, however is a bit more urgent (only 52 days to go!!) I did my research this time, and have now ordered the Hauck Malibu in Tango/Caviar from Tesco. Hopefully it will live up to what I want it to, we are collecting it tomorrow so I shall let you know. The reason I had changed my mind about the previous pram was the lack of the option to have him lying flat facing me. The only way to have the baby lying flat was in the reclined pushchair section which I wasn’t sure was perfectly suitable for a newborn. The other reason was that if I was walking to my parents there would be nowhere for little man to sleep once I got there unless they had a crib at their house, wheras for daytime nap purposes, the separate carry cot can be used as a Moses basket. So all in all (as long as it lives up to my expectations) hopefully this new pram will fulfil all my needs, and the price doesn’t look too bad. The pushchair element looks more adaptable than the Graco Candy, and the wheels have suspension, promising a smoother ride – we shall see! Unfortunately it doesn’t come with, or even have the option of an in car base, however watching online videos it looks really easy to strap into the car each time so that will also be tested as I obviously don’t want to be faffing around for 20 minutes each time I need to put him in or out of the car!
So I am now excitedly awaiting tomorrow when I get to pick up and set up my new pram and have a fiddle and check it is going to do exactly what I think it is going to.

I’m having to return half of the items I’d bought leaving me quite unprepared again!
I wrote about everything I had ordered quite unexpectedly here and the order arrived a few days later. I finally decided to open the boxes to check for damage before returning time runs out and we noticed that the grey paint had chipped off of one corner of the cot bed. Deciding that if it chips that easily it will never survive four or more years in this house, I immediately rang them up and organised a collection and refund. Unfortunately as we bought it as part of a multibuy offer we had to return the whole lot. Fantastic. So now I am totally unprepared again! I have a crib, thankfully we checked that and it was undamaged, so I have a crib and a mattress. Technically I don’t need a cot until he can jump around in the crib, so I am not going to stress about it – I have a little while. Maybe I will wait until Babies R Us has another 20% off everything!
While looking at the cot I started having second thoughts about the buggy, driving my dad insane with my indecision! I love the look of it with the car seat on, but obviously for long walks he shouldn’t be sat in his car seat and to lie flat he would need to be facing away from me which means I cannot see him. I have placated myself by deciding that for the first few months I will not have time to go on long walks, and that by the time I do he will want to be looking around and therefore facing away from me.
We had decided to go shopping for little things and to finish off getting things for my hospital bag on Tuesday, but now that is when my order is being collected so that is all being pushed back! Nothing seems to be coming together very quickly at the moment!
Who knew all this would be so stressful!

This morning I had my 31 week midwife appointment, which was all pretty standard.
She repeatedly told me I had a lovely, neat bump, something I quickly told her isn’t the case when he sticks his bum out and makes it all funny shaped – she laughed at that!
Jackson squirmed like mad when she felt his position (head down, bum sticking out) and used the Doppler, she had to keep moving around to find his heartbeat as he kept moving out the way. It really does make me wonder whether he can feel the ultrasonic waves as he always jiggles a lot whenever a Doppler is used. She measured my bump as quite big on the scale, being well over the top line, but she didn’t seem worried by it, however my last growth scan showed his growth to be spot on the middle of where it should be. We shall see how it all measures up at my next midwife and scan appointments which are only 2 days apart.

She did tell me that my blood tests she did last time showed up as slightly lacking iron, but not enough to prescribe me iron tablets straight away, so she has requested another blood test to check these levels in a couple of weeks. She suggested that because I am vegetarian to eat anything dark green, broccoli, cabbage, spinach etc as these are all high in iron and to have them with a glass of fruit juice. This helps for the iron to be absorbed, and to avoid tea and coffee within an hour of eating anything iron rich as this can stop absorption.

She briefly discussed breastfeeding and I told her that was my plan, (I’m not sure my answer to her question of “why” being “it’s free” was what she was looking for but she seemed to like it!) she also told me about skin to skin contact, as baby is going to be cold and exposed when it’s used to 37degrees and being really snuggled in, so skin to skin helps to ease the transition. She also talked about baby led feeding, feeding the baby when they want it and before they get distressed and start screaming, just to notice the signs they are hungry. I’m sure this will all become clearer when I actually have a baby to feed, at the moment I feel like I’m just nodding like a yes man and hoping the fog lifts and it all suddenly makes sense!
She also told me to read through my baby notes and start thinking about a birth plan, especially after the antenatal classes which I am booked in for in July.

I also booked in for my whooping cough vaccine, the earliest slot available was this afternoon!
I returned to the doctors this afternoon absolutely terrified. I don’t really know why because I inject myself every day and I’ve had so many blood tests you’d think I’d be used to needles by now! But the injection was over very quickly. She told me it may feel like I walked into a door and may swell up a little bit. A few hours later and all I’ve felt is a tiny ache in my arm.

It’s quite scary that it is now only 8 weeks until I get to meet my little man! There is still so much to do, sort out and buy before then!

It’s taken a while for the breakdown of my relationship to fully sink in. Although we were engaged, he hadn’t yet moved in with me so it’s not as if there is an obvious hole, that someone who was always there isn’t any more.
I find that it hits me more when I’m doing simple things and I’m wondering how I’m going to be able to do this in a couple of months time when it’s not just me anymore. I know I won’t be on my own, I have an awesome family and some fantastic friends and I’m sure Jacksons dad will be around, but the prospect of juggling a newborn and simple every day things like cooking dinner for example seem suddenly terrifying. I’ve always assumed that when I had my children I would be part of a family unit, that when I needed to do something I could pass a baby over to my partner, and indeed, this was the plan, but I’m suddenly realising how difficult this will be on my own. I’m counting on the fact that Jackson will sleep lots, atleast to start with. My parents have warned me that a shower will be a quick in and out while he has a nap, that’s fine, but what about if I need to do something urgently and he won’t sleep? Everyone has assured me that I will be ok, they seem so confident of this, but they haven’t ever done it, they won’t be there in the middle of the night when he cries and I am exhausted and I have no one to kick and make them see to him.
I know I will cope. I have to. Lots of people do. But the whole idea is absolutely terrifying, and reading blogs of people preparing for their babies as a couple is getting harder every time I read one. I wish that was me. It was meant to be me. I feel terrible that we planned a baby only to have the safe, stable, secure family unit we planned to provide for this child fall down around my ears. I will of course try my hardest to not let it affect him as much as I can, but I know it will. It’s not a great situation and definitely not one I would have chosen for my child.

I’ve said from the beginning of this pregnancy that I wouldn’t buy anything before I was 36 weeks pregnant, but I very quickly realised that that was all well and good, but baby world is confusing and so I would probably need to start looking earlier than that, just incase baby came early or I was put on bed rest and couldn’t go out looking later on.

When I hit 30 weeks I realised that I felt totally unprepared…

Well, today I bought my pram and cot – That was unexpected!

I had decided to take my parents for a look around so we could get a feel for what was out there and the sort of prices we could be expecting to pay. Walking into Babies R Us we instantly gravitated towards to prams and pushchairs as this was going to be the most tricky thing I wanted. I knew I wanted a travel system and I was interested in Isofix, that was about as far as I had got.

A quick glance around and I was drawn to the Silvercross 3D which came with a free car seat, and the Graco Candy Travel System which seemed to have everything (car seat, raincover, footmuff, changing bag and car seat base) included in the price, which was currently on offer at half price (Down from £349.99 to £174.99). We walked around the rest but nothing really caught my eye, except the ridiculous prices of some of them!

Eventually someone came over and we asked her to demonstrate the Graco Candy, which she did, the car seat was easy to fix onto the frame and it came with a base for the car making it easy to put into and remove from the car. Unfortunately the base wasn’t Isofix, but I was already aware that for a car seat to be isofix you are going to have to add a fair amount to the price, something I cannot afford to do. It folded up fairly small and extremely easily (One hand!) and honestly I was sold on it from then.

I asked how long it was going to be on offer and when she told me probably only another week or so (Definitely not another 6 weeks, which would take me up to when I had been planning to start buying things!) I then asked about their returns policy. She told me that technically if you just change your mind it is only 28 days, but that if it was in resalable condition, ie unused they weren’t overly fussy on time. She then told me about their 20% off baby event which made the price even better (£139.99) and I knew I had found my pram!

We compared the Graco Candy to the Silvercross 3D, and obviously they were in different leagues, but overall the only features that the Silvercross pram had that the Graco Candy didn’t was Isofix, and that the pram seat itself was reversible, whereas in the Graco Candy the only way to have the baby facing you is in the car seat. I didn’t find this a massive issue for the difference in price which once you added in the fact that the Silvercross didn’t come with a car seat base, worked out at about £300.

While we were there we had a look around the cots and decided to get one that converts into a toddler bed which, despite costing an extra few pounds now would save us shelling out on a whole new bed and mattress in a few years. I also worked out I wasn’t particularly fussed on it having drop sides (A feature that not many seemed to have anyway) We had a quick look around the moses baskets and cribs but by this point I was overheating and needed to sit down so we headed out.

We decided to go and look at another local store we had heard of before buying anything, but very quickly realised that we were well out priced in there! They were selling prams that ranged from £600-£1000 for the basic frame, car seats and raincovers separate! Some of them were even “Order now and receive by the end of August” (For those prices I’d want it now, and doing backflips!) We quickly made our excuses and left.

From there we went home and went on the Toys R Us website to order the pram and to look at the specifications of cots. (With a 20% off voucher we were wanting to get as much bought as we could) After another quick look at the specifications for the Pram we added it to the basket and went looking at cots.

We quickly found a grey Henley Cotbed which would match in nicely with my decor (My walls are white with grey woodwork and carpets) As my mum pointed out, a white cot would get lost against the white wall, wheras the grey would stand out a little while still being practical and not gender specific. It had three mattress heights, converted to a junior bed and fitted perfectly in the room. Decision made! This baby shopping is a lot easier than I expected! This led us onto what mattress to get! Maybe I spoke too soon about being easy! They all had fairly good reviews, so we plumped for the one that was on offer with the cot. Buy the cot, this mattress, a changing mat and a cot bedding set for a discount.

From here it led us to the question of will he be sleeping straight in his own room, to which my sheer laziness answered no. I have read that sharing a room with them for the first few months reduces cot death, however I’m sure there are probably studies that say the opposite too, No, what made me decide I wanted him in the same room as me was the night time feeds – I’d rather not have to walk too far in the middle of the night when I reckon I will be knackered anyway, especially as I am doing this on my own. We looked at moses baskets, but they seemed expensive especially as you would need a separate base as well, so I found a nice cheap crib and chose a water repellent mattress with a removable cover (worryingly some didn’t!) Hopefully it will do the job for the first few months.

And that brings us up to date on what we bought today. All that came to the grand total of £383.97 and earned me 479 Gold Card points! (Obviously my parents unfortunately had to pay – I hate this whole not being independent thing already, but I don’t feel that was too bad for living on a budget.) That’s all the major purchases out the way now, just clothes and some more bedding to buy, Asda, Tesco and Primark here we come!

When I booked my 30 week growth scan I didn’t even register the date, as my clinic is only on a Thursday I don’t have any choice in date, but as the day drew closer it dawned on me that I’d be having a scan exactly a year after my last scan I had with my daughter, the one that told me she had no heartbeat. The one that ended my life as I knew it. As this appointment crept up on me I was overcome with nerves that maybe I’d be told the same, maybe time would repeat itself, maybe this would be it, maybe May 29th wasn’t my date.

I half convinced myself that the scan would only give me bad news, but Jackson seemed keen to prove to me that he wasn’t leaving me as he kicked up a storm the whole morning. This gave me great comfort as I walked into the scan knowing that he had been kicking less that half an hour before.
The sonographer was really lovely and talked us through everything that she did, measuring his head and abdomen circumference and his femur length. She also checked the levels of fluid around him and that he was getting enough blood through the umbilical cord. She then showed us his kidneys and bladder and stomach and told us that everything was looking perfect. She plotted his growth on my chart and it was near enough exactly on the middle line where it should be. Completely reassured we returned to the waiting room to wait for the consultants to call me. I couldn’t wait to text my parents to tell them that everything was ok.

We were called in by the maternal medicine consultant who told me that because I’m on dalteparin I cannot have an epidural within 12hours of having my injection and that this is non negotiable. I told her that I was definitely not planning on having one – I like my spine too much! She also said that even if I needed an emergency Csection within 12 hours of an injection that I would have to have a general anaesthetic. Again, this isn’t an issue for me. She also reiterated that I wouldn’t be allowed to go overdue, and she wrote this in my notes, it seemed that although this had been told to me it had never been written down!
She also told me why they measure the fluid around baby which I found interesting – the fluid around baby is mostly baby’s wee. If baby isn’t getting enough blood flow from the placenta the baby diverts the blood to the brain to keep it alive, and away from the kidneys which means they wee less, therefore reducing the amount of fluid around baby! Jacksons levels were perfectly normal, so no cause for concern! We didn’t have any other questions for her so we went back to wait to see the endocrinology consultant about my thyroid.
As soon as we got in the room he told me he wanted to take me off Carbimazole. I was only on 5mg a day which he assured me wasn’t that much and my levels have been steady for the last few tests. He wants me to have a blood test before my next appointment with him so he can check that I’m doing ok without any medication, but he expects it to be ok. He then told me that if your thyroid becomes over active during pregnancy and goes away during, that it is likely to return quite badly afterwards, but as they are aware of that they will keep a close eye on me and hopefully catch it before it gets too bad.
So all in all it seemed very positive. I am booked back in 4 weeks for another growth scan and endocrinology appointment.