It’s taken a while for the breakdown of my relationship to fully sink in. Although we were engaged, he hadn’t yet moved in with me so it’s not as if there is an obvious hole, that someone who was always there isn’t any more.
I find that it hits me more when I’m doing simple things and I’m wondering how I’m going to be able to do this in a couple of months time when it’s not just me anymore. I know I won’t be on my own, I have an awesome family and some fantastic friends and I’m sure Jacksons dad will be around, but the prospect of juggling a newborn and simple every day things like cooking dinner for example seem suddenly terrifying. I’ve always assumed that when I had my children I would be part of a family unit, that when I needed to do something I could pass a baby over to my partner, and indeed, this was the plan, but I’m suddenly realising how difficult this will be on my own. I’m counting on the fact that Jackson will sleep lots, atleast to start with. My parents have warned me that a shower will be a quick in and out while he has a nap, that’s fine, but what about if I need to do something urgently and he won’t sleep? Everyone has assured me that I will be ok, they seem so confident of this, but they haven’t ever done it, they won’t be there in the middle of the night when he cries and I am exhausted and I have no one to kick and make them see to him.
I know I will cope. I have to. Lots of people do. But the whole idea is absolutely terrifying, and reading blogs of people preparing for their babies as a couple is getting harder every time I read one. I wish that was me. It was meant to be me. I feel terrible that we planned a baby only to have the safe, stable, secure family unit we planned to provide for this child fall down around my ears. I will of course try my hardest to not let it affect him as much as I can, but I know it will. It’s not a great situation and definitely not one I would have chosen for my child.

I’ve said from the beginning of this pregnancy that I wouldn’t buy anything before I was 36 weeks pregnant, but I very quickly realised that that was all well and good, but baby world is confusing and so I would probably need to start looking earlier than that, just incase baby came early or I was put on bed rest and couldn’t go out looking later on.

When I hit 30 weeks I realised that I felt totally unprepared…

Well, today I bought my pram and cot – That was unexpected!

I had decided to take my parents for a look around so we could get a feel for what was out there and the sort of prices we could be expecting to pay. Walking into Babies R Us we instantly gravitated towards to prams and pushchairs as this was going to be the most tricky thing I wanted. I knew I wanted a travel system and I was interested in Isofix, that was about as far as I had got.

A quick glance around and I was drawn to the Silvercross 3D which came with a free car seat, and the Graco Candy Travel System which seemed to have everything (car seat, raincover, footmuff, changing bag and car seat base) included in the price, which was currently on offer at half price (Down from £349.99 to £174.99). We walked around the rest but nothing really caught my eye, except the ridiculous prices of some of them!

Eventually someone came over and we asked her to demonstrate the Graco Candy, which she did, the car seat was easy to fix onto the frame and it came with a base for the car making it easy to put into and remove from the car. Unfortunately the base wasn’t Isofix, but I was already aware that for a car seat to be isofix you are going to have to add a fair amount to the price, something I cannot afford to do. It folded up fairly small and extremely easily (One hand!) and honestly I was sold on it from then.

I asked how long it was going to be on offer and when she told me probably only another week or so (Definitely not another 6 weeks, which would take me up to when I had been planning to start buying things!) I then asked about their returns policy. She told me that technically if you just change your mind it is only 28 days, but that if it was in resalable condition, ie unused they weren’t overly fussy on time. She then told me about their 20% off baby event which made the price even better (£139.99) and I knew I had found my pram!

We compared the Graco Candy to the Silvercross 3D, and obviously they were in different leagues, but overall the only features that the Silvercross pram had that the Graco Candy didn’t was Isofix, and that the pram seat itself was reversible, whereas in the Graco Candy the only way to have the baby facing you is in the car seat. I didn’t find this a massive issue for the difference in price which once you added in the fact that the Silvercross didn’t come with a car seat base, worked out at about £300.

While we were there we had a look around the cots and decided to get one that converts into a toddler bed which, despite costing an extra few pounds now would save us shelling out on a whole new bed and mattress in a few years. I also worked out I wasn’t particularly fussed on it having drop sides (A feature that not many seemed to have anyway) We had a quick look around the moses baskets and cribs but by this point I was overheating and needed to sit down so we headed out.

We decided to go and look at another local store we had heard of before buying anything, but very quickly realised that we were well out priced in there! They were selling prams that ranged from £600-£1000 for the basic frame, car seats and raincovers separate! Some of them were even “Order now and receive by the end of August” (For those prices I’d want it now, and doing backflips!) We quickly made our excuses and left.

From there we went home and went on the Toys R Us website to order the pram and to look at the specifications of cots. (With a 20% off voucher we were wanting to get as much bought as we could) After another quick look at the specifications for the Pram we added it to the basket and went looking at cots.

We quickly found a grey Henley Cotbed which would match in nicely with my decor (My walls are white with grey woodwork and carpets) As my mum pointed out, a white cot would get lost against the white wall, wheras the grey would stand out a little while still being practical and not gender specific. It had three mattress heights, converted to a junior bed and fitted perfectly in the room. Decision made! This baby shopping is a lot easier than I expected! This led us onto what mattress to get! Maybe I spoke too soon about being easy! They all had fairly good reviews, so we plumped for the one that was on offer with the cot. Buy the cot, this mattress, a changing mat and a cot bedding set for a discount.

From here it led us to the question of will he be sleeping straight in his own room, to which my sheer laziness answered no. I have read that sharing a room with them for the first few months reduces cot death, however I’m sure there are probably studies that say the opposite too, No, what made me decide I wanted him in the same room as me was the night time feeds – I’d rather not have to walk too far in the middle of the night when I reckon I will be knackered anyway, especially as I am doing this on my own. We looked at moses baskets, but they seemed expensive especially as you would need a separate base as well, so I found a nice cheap crib and chose a water repellent mattress with a removable cover (worryingly some didn’t!) Hopefully it will do the job for the first few months.

And that brings us up to date on what we bought today. All that came to the grand total of £383.97 and earned me 479 Gold Card points! (Obviously my parents unfortunately had to pay – I hate this whole not being independent thing already, but I don’t feel that was too bad for living on a budget.) That’s all the major purchases out the way now, just clothes and some more bedding to buy, Asda, Tesco and Primark here we come!

When I booked my 30 week growth scan I didn’t even register the date, as my clinic is only on a Thursday I don’t have any choice in date, but as the day drew closer it dawned on me that I’d be having a scan exactly a year after my last scan I had with my daughter, the one that told me she had no heartbeat. The one that ended my life as I knew it. As this appointment crept up on me I was overcome with nerves that maybe I’d be told the same, maybe time would repeat itself, maybe this would be it, maybe May 29th wasn’t my date.

I half convinced myself that the scan would only give me bad news, but Jackson seemed keen to prove to me that he wasn’t leaving me as he kicked up a storm the whole morning. This gave me great comfort as I walked into the scan knowing that he had been kicking less that half an hour before.
The sonographer was really lovely and talked us through everything that she did, measuring his head and abdomen circumference and his femur length. She also checked the levels of fluid around him and that he was getting enough blood through the umbilical cord. She then showed us his kidneys and bladder and stomach and told us that everything was looking perfect. She plotted his growth on my chart and it was near enough exactly on the middle line where it should be. Completely reassured we returned to the waiting room to wait for the consultants to call me. I couldn’t wait to text my parents to tell them that everything was ok.

We were called in by the maternal medicine consultant who told me that because I’m on dalteparin I cannot have an epidural within 12hours of having my injection and that this is non negotiable. I told her that I was definitely not planning on having one – I like my spine too much! She also said that even if I needed an emergency Csection within 12 hours of an injection that I would have to have a general anaesthetic. Again, this isn’t an issue for me. She also reiterated that I wouldn’t be allowed to go overdue, and she wrote this in my notes, it seemed that although this had been told to me it had never been written down!
She also told me why they measure the fluid around baby which I found interesting – the fluid around baby is mostly baby’s wee. If baby isn’t getting enough blood flow from the placenta the baby diverts the blood to the brain to keep it alive, and away from the kidneys which means they wee less, therefore reducing the amount of fluid around baby! Jacksons levels were perfectly normal, so no cause for concern! We didn’t have any other questions for her so we went back to wait to see the endocrinology consultant about my thyroid.
As soon as we got in the room he told me he wanted to take me off Carbimazole. I was only on 5mg a day which he assured me wasn’t that much and my levels have been steady for the last few tests. He wants me to have a blood test before my next appointment with him so he can check that I’m doing ok without any medication, but he expects it to be ok. He then told me that if your thyroid becomes over active during pregnancy and goes away during, that it is likely to return quite badly afterwards, but as they are aware of that they will keep a close eye on me and hopefully catch it before it gets too bad.
So all in all it seemed very positive. I am booked back in 4 weeks for another growth scan and endocrinology appointment.

Yesterday was my 28 week midwife appointment and I wasn’t holding out much hope that I’d actually get to see MY midwife who I have only met once, at my 8 week appointment, but to my surprise it was actually her (completely didn’t recognise her after 20 weeks!) I gave her a quick summary of what has been happening – overactive thyroid, being put on anticoagulant injections and my recent trip to the delivery suite and she seemed really nice and understanding and made time for everything I needed, quite unlike all the other midwives I have been seeing in her place who just seem to want me in and out.

She got me to lie on the couch, and measuring my bump I measured at 29cm which is perfect as I was 28weeks 6days, and feeling for him she said his head was down with his bum out to one side. I commented that he had been upside down since 24 weeks and she said that she would prefer he stayed in that at position now and not suddenly turn the wrong way! She listened to his heartbeat, finding it instantly and said it sounded strong and even. Which is good, it was incredibly reassuring that at yet another appointment everything seemed perfect.

I told her that my pelvis/lower back had been hurting recently and she told me about trying a pelvic rock exercise where you lie down and slowly tilt your bum down and your pubic bone up. She said that this can sometimes relieve any pressure on nerves etc. but that if the pain persisted, that the hospital had pregnancy physios who would be able to say whether it was anything more than the normal relaxing of ligaments.

She took the routine 28 week bloods and also kindly did the bloods my consultant has requested for my appointment next week – one less needle!

She then asked if anyone had discussed antenatal classes etc with me, and when we said no she went on to discuss delivery which she told me due to my clotting issues I will be on the delivery suite and not the midwife led birthing unit, just so there is a doctor on hand if necessary, and she also answered questions that I had about being induced, that if I am to be induced it will still be a natural labour unless of course he decides to go breach or has some other complications.
She talked us through booking antenatal classes that she recommended taking at around 32 weeks and she also told us about a whooping cough vaccine which is ideally administered between 28-32 weeks. I think I need to do a bit more research before I make any decisions on that one, she didn’t seem overly confident on it, and her response to “is it safe?” was that they had obviously tested it and considered it so.

I came away from the appointment feeling really positive, I am even starting to SLOWLY let myself believe that I am pregnant, and that in less than 3 months I could actually be bringing my baby home! (How scary is that?) People are starting to ask me now if I have got everything and whether I’m ready. I think by this stage most women have nested, bought the essentials and will spend the last 10 weeks relaxing and putting finishing touches to things, but I haven’t even looked at anything through fear that I won’t need it. That I will spend weeks looking through catalogues and websites for it to end up having been hours of pointless research. I am going to start looking from 30 weeks (NEXT WEEK!) but will hold off actually shopping until 36 weeks, hopefully by then it will be a case of knowing exactly what I want and going and getting it. This is purely a self preservation thing, but I’d rather not set up a nursery to have to take it all apart and return the room to a guest room

Today I am sitting feeling Jackson kicking up a storm, back to his usual over-lively self. Unfortunately, however, his severe reduced movements since Saturday prompted me to make a trip up to the hospital last night.

Since Saturday I have noticed I could sit for long periods of time and not feel him kicking at all, very unusual as normally as soon as I sit down he starts kicking up a storm, all the consultants and midwives have commented on his kicking, and lots of strong kicks all the time is what I was used to. As soon as I realised he wasn’t being as active as usual I took really careful note on when he was moving and found he was still quite active for periods of time, but then he went for big gaps with nothing. It was almost unheard of for me to be able to sit down lift up my top and my stomach to remain motionless, but that was what was happening. I debated calling my midwife then, but figured he was clearly still ok because of the periods of intense movement I was feeling.
He wasn’t overly active Monday night, but I decided to wait until Tuesday morning and call a midwife if he wasn’t active then, but in typical fashion he had a really active couple of hours Tuesday morning which completely put my mind at rest, that he had been having a lazy bank holiday weekend like everyone had told me. I had a busy day Tuesday and didn’t spend any time seeing if he was moving, by the time I sat down Tuesday evening and began watching TV it was already quite late. I automatically put my hand to my stomach and didn’t feel anything. I rolled on my left side, nothing. Throughout the evening I had hot and cold drinks, sat in different positions and through it all only felt a couple of really faint kicks which were so faint I couldn’t even be sure that they were him. At this point I panicked. Should I have called someone sooner? Was it already too late? I checked his heart with my home doppler and thankfully there was still a heartbeat which the display said was about 140 which was normal for him. I decided at this point to call the midwife as his lack of movement in the evening was unheard of. I don’t think I’ve gone an evening not feeling him since I started feeling him at about 17/18 weeks!
By this time it was about 22.20 so I called the 24hour Medicom number and she told me to ring straight through to delivery suite with reduced movements so I could talk to a midwife and they’d decide where to go from there. Panicking now I rang and they asked what I had done to try and get him to move. She agreed with everything I’d tried, and her final suggestion was that I have a bath and lie on my left side and feel for any kicks. I did this remaining in the bath for around 20 minutes and in that time only felt around 6 faint kicks. I rang them straight back and they told me to come in, however warning me there could be a 3 hour wait. At this point I felt like I was being told not to bother, but I insisted I would like to get checked and went in.

On the drive there I felt a few kicks to my bladder, reassuring me he was still with us, but again nothing like as strong as his normal movements. We were told to wait in the waiting room with two other pregnant ladies, both a lot more pregnant than me, and that they would try and see us as soon as possible. After over an hour wait I had only felt another couple of faint kicks, but I was reassured that if things were going wrong that we were in the right place.
We were called through and she asked me to do her a urine sample which she checked and came back fine. She then asked me to lay on the bed and she tried to listen to his heartbeat with one of the ear cones, and as soon as she layed it on my belly he kicked her in the ear. Not a feeble little kick like I’d been feeling but a massive tummy shaking kick. After that she strapped me up to a monitor to check for any contractions and listen to baby’s heart. She couldn’t find his heartbeat for ages, but we weren’t worried as by this point he had really woken up and was kicking a lot. Eventually she found it, but as soon as she started monitoring it he moved again. He continued this dance for about 20 minutes! She gave me a clicker to press wherever I felt him moving, which turned out to be quite a lot. At one point she had the heart monitor on him and he appeared to have the hiccups as I felt tiny little movements and the monitor fuzzed very rhythmically and close together. Eventually she decided she had enough readings and that he was absolutely fine. His heart rate went up with movement and remained well within the normal range, with his resting pulse being about 135-140, and the monitor had picked up no contractions.
I must admit I felt a total idiot! He had been quiet for days and then as soon as I ask for him to be checked he has a party, but it was totally worth being checked. As stupid as I felt the relief that washed over me after days of constant worry and being on the verge of panic plastered a smile over my face that won’t go away!

The reasons people gave me for him being quieter ranged from he’s running out of space so he will move less, to he’s being quiet because he’s growing, and the full range in between (he’s just lazy, you’re missing the movements) but only I know his normal pattern and that he wasn’t being normal, and after my experience last time it is worth getting anything out of the norm checked out. Now he is back to normal again I can relax.

This all got me wondering, however, because when I had my miscarriage last time I KNEW categorically that something was wrong, call it maternal instinct, I couldn’t sleep and I couldn’t shake the feeling off, but this time I wasn’t sure. The feeling wasn’t so strong. I wasn’t sure if that was because it was just me panicking and not maternal instinct at all, or whether it was maternal instinct that my brain was dulling down by telling me I was probably just panicking.

I am so glad I went to get checked, the midwife was really friendly and didn’t seem bothered that we were in essence wasting her time after he started having a party, but as she told me, they’d rather see me in there once a week and for everything to be ok than to not see me at full term because I ignored a sign and lost him.

Last night Jackson was kicking like mad while I painted my nails (jogging me constantly!) almost as soon as I’d finished, however, he pretty much stopped. I concentrated until bedtime, not feeling much, but consoled myself that he had been kicking lots earlier and had probably just worn himself out and I eventually managed to get to sleep.
I woke up this morning and my first thought before I even opened my eyes was whether Jackson was kicking. I refused to open them until I felt him, and lo and behold there was a a tiny kick. I continued concentrating all morning and only felt a few more tiny kicks. Panicking slightly by this point I got out my home doppler and used it to reassure myself. As soon as I put it to my tummy, even before I heard his heartbeat I felt a huge kick, followed by a few more. I then heard his heartbeat, but know that that’s not an indication that everything is fine, merely he is still alive. After I turned the doppler off he kicked for another few minutes, then nothing again. By this point I was really starting to worry.
I managed to calm down enough to eat lunch, but then continued to sit concentrating. Nothing. I really started to panic at this point, imagining a trip to the hospital, hearing those awful words that he has no heartbeat, wondering what they would do then.
Following this I remembered that he likes Dom Littlewoods voice from Don’t Get Done Get Dom and Cowboy Builders, and kicks like mad everytime I watch the programs, so I stuck on iPlayer and loaded a program. I then stuck my headphones to my bump and there he was kicking away. I breathed a massive sigh of relief and changed it to an audiobook. He clearly didn’t enjoy that as he almost instantly stopped kicking…
I’m still (massively) panicking that he’s not moving as much as normal as obviously it could be a sign of things starting to go wrong, but I will spend my afternoon relaxing and concentrating to make sure he starts moving more, and if not I will call my midwife. I couldn’t bare for this pregnancy to end now.