I spent all of last night trawling the three sites the lady suggested.
CMV negative donors are RARE. The one test I almost wish had come back positive, how much easier that would have been!
I have narrowed it down. One site is WAY out of my price range. Looking at over £1k per sample…!
The other two are both danish. I have about 20 to choose from between the two sites, however I have pared it down to about 3.
I am on the basic profiles though, so before I make my final choice I think I’ll take a leap and pay the £80 to see their baby photos and long profiles. What’s £80 in the grand scheme of things?

I got a phonecall today to say my results had come back negative and that they had NO CMV negative donors. WHAT! I was offered to take the ‘small’ risk and accept a positive donor, however the risks include miscarriage and deformity. Great. So thats a no from me. I know better than many the risks pregnancy brings, and as this is one I have a chance to avoid, I am going to.
However, now I am worried. This was supposed to be easy, go to the clinic, pick a donor, get inseminated. Boom.
But the lady on the phone told me I have to source the sperm myself. I asked if she could recommend anywhere and she did come up with three places they have used before.

So here I go with some dodgy internet shopping!

I’m not a talker.
It may seem strange as I can talk for england on here, but in person, nah, forget it.
So counselling? Well that’s never going to work for me!
However, the counsellor was lovely and took the lead (she does this every day after all!) She explained the legalities of donor sperm, that the child can find their dad at 18 but the dad can’t find them etc. I already knew all this, but she told us about a couple of donor sperm kids she had met at a conference. Both were 27, but one had been told about his situation young and it hadn’t affected him, he had no desire to find out more about his ‘father’ but the other had only been told recently and had felt betrayed and lost her entire sense of self. Now I had always planned on being open with any future children, but this anecdote really cemented to me how much this, if handled wrongly, could affect them, but if handled right, would just be one of those things to the child.

She did pick up on my lack of chattiness and commented that people normally have a lot more questions – I guess the fact that I did my research before going negated that part!

She was amazed that at 26 I had my own house and was managing to work and pay the bills and raise my son alone, and she could see no problems in adding another child in the mix, afterall, I’ve done it before and know what I’m letting myself in for!

So I had my blood tests, to test my CMV status and blood type in order to find me a donor!
So now I’m just waiting on a phonecall!

So, honestly, I was dreading this appointment. Essentially the consultant has the power to say no, based on meeting me, my history, my fertility blood test results etc. he could shoot this whole plan down in flames.
But he didn’t!
Infact, he told me I seem like a very good candidate fertility wise and that I seem like a knowledgeable and sensible person!
Yay!
He did seem a little concerned by my history, the miscarriage and antiphospholipid syndrome, not a massive concern, but as IUI is quite uninvasive but with fertility drugs involved, there is a higher chance of a multiple pregnancy and he didn’t know offhand how antiphospholipid syndrome reacts to multiples – multiple amounts of hormones etc. however he said that as long as we assess the risks and do our research he is happy to continue down this route.
He suggested maybe a HyCoSy (checking my tubes are not blocked) however with two natural pregnancies and births under my belt he wasn’t overly concerned and didn’t push it.
He briefly mentioned IVF but agreed that as it is more invasive to start with IUI was as likely to work for me as anyone.

So here we are, I have to do a session of councelling to check my mental state and talk me through the donor sperm legalities etc and if she gives me the go ahead then off we go!

My appointment was at 9.45 this morning, and my mum came with me (I will probably drag her to everything). We eventually managed to find the place ok – my satnav is old and the clinic is on a new development, which is not a good combination!
When we walked in there was quite a queue at reception, she eventually got to me. She looked through my forms, took my photo for the system and then told us to wait. There were 3 or 4 other couples in the waiting room and I felt rather out of place, obviously being on my own. We were called in by a midwife, and she went through my history. I told her about my previous loss at 21 weeks, my antiphospholipid syndrome and my overactive thyroid, she made careful notes, but didn’t suggest any major issues. She showed me a Gonal F injection pen which she suggested would be used in the treatment and then I had my bloods taken to test my AMH (egg reserve).
I feel like she expected me to ask more questions, but I have done my research so didn’t feel I needed to!
And that was it, back in a week to see the consultant! She didn’t give any indication that anything would pose a massive problem, so I am cautiously optimistic!

Ok so I panicked that this process will be really dragged out if I delay the second appointment, so I called the clinic and told them I will keep the appointment and my dad can pick my son up from nursery. I’m sure he will be fine. I hope. I’m a terrible mother, I know.
I am panicking because I still can’t believe that they will let me do this on my own, that they won’t take one look at me and tell me not to be so silly. Until I have the doctors word that they’ll do this for me I will not believe that this journey has really started, and the longer that is delayed the longer I feel like I’m in limbo. That, however hasn’t stopped me getting excited, dreaming of babies, and thinking about names. Maybe this will happen and a little hope never killed anyone.

I received my welcome pack in the post today, all official and wow this is actually happening, however they have annoyingly booked my second appointment for me without checking my availability, normally this would have been fine, only it falls on my sons second day of nursery!
So I called up to change it.
They couldn’t find another date available, and their booking system goes up to the end of september, so they told me to keep the appointment just incase and they’ll make a note that I would like to change it.

This is the first time I’ve actually worried about how long this process is going to be. When I initially enquired I was told there was no waiting time with IUI, however what if the clinic is really busy and they just can’t fit me in? What if I cant start this process until next year? I have always had my heart set on having my babies 4 years apart, silly really and it doesn’t really matter in the grand scheme of things, but that would mean I would need to fall pregnant between now and January to have a chance. Will a busy clinic mean that is a non starter before I even consider that I might not actually get pregnant as easily as I almost expect?

I rang and arranged an initial consultation on 31st August. £300 for 2 appointments and a blood test! They couldn’t get the date for the second appointment today so they said they would get my local clinic to give me a call to arrange it.
This is actually it, I’m going somewhere and expressing my desire to be a mum again to someone who actually has the power to do something about it!
Big step!
I’m actually terrified they’ll laugh me out of there and say no chance.

So the clinic emailed back and the prices were higher than I expected from their website.

I discounted it, 3 tries and I’d be broke for a year.

I looked around. The clinic is 15 miles from my house, the next closest is about 70.

They were cheaper. About a grand cheaper when worked out over 3 tries.

But treatment involved scans every other day for 2 weeks. 8+ trips of 70 miles each way per try.

Days out, lots of driving, not to mention the petrol cost.

Stress.

Not whats needed when trying to be as fertile as possible.

Back to the first clinic.

As long as I can let go of the dream after 3 tries if it doesn’t work.

A quick whizz at stats online and if it’s going to work it will work within 6 tries but really within 3-4.

My friends have always joked I’m the most fertile girl around. Only took two months with both my babies.

So fingers crossed it works after one try and I can enjoy pregnancy without worrying about the debt.

Guess I now need to send my second email, asking more questions and making sure I really want to go ahead with this.

There isn’t a doubt in my mind at the moment.

I’ll call this stage one as technically it’s the first day I’ve acted on anything but in reality stage one was when I said to myself I’d never have another child with a man who I couldn’t trust to stick around, to see every moment of them growing up. I wouldn’t put another child through that wonder of ‘why’.

Then, after my last brief attempt at dating ended so disastrously and I realised it wasn’t for me, I started researching, reading about other mums who have done it, seeing what it involves. Since then it’s been about all I can see in my future, another baby, a sibling for my son with no complications, no waiting for a dad to text to see them, no being cancelled on and having to explain to a distraught child. No, just me and my family showering it with love (and a complicated explanation when they’re a bit older but I’m trying not to dwell on that)

So what am I talking about? Becoming a single mum again, but this time on purpose. After all, how hard can it be? I’ve already done it once and I was totally unprepared. This time I’ll be going into it eyes wide open!

And today I sent an email.

I acted on the desire that’s been growing inside me for years, and now I wait.

I’m sure I’ll have to contact a few clinics and that this won’t be a straightforward journey, I know people won’t ‘get it’, that it’s unusual and unnatural and I’ll end up explaining myself over and over, but to me all that matters is completing my family.