Today was the one from last planned four weekly growth scan, and in my new positive spirit I was hopeful about the outcome of today, but of course was a little apprehensive.  As I mentioned before Jacksons dad was unable to come to the scan due to work so I took my parents to show them Jackson on the ultrasound, and it was just as nice as I expected it to be.

I could tell from the beginning that the sonographer was going to be very thorough and she talked us through everything she was doing. She started measuring him head circumference and showed us his little face. It looked almost as clear as a 3D scan, seeing his eyes closed with his chubby cheeks – unfortunately she didn’t take a photo of this so the scan photos I got weren’t anything like as clear as this.

She then moved on and measured his kidneys and femur length. She had to ask me to roll onto my side to try to get him to move a little bit so she could measure his abdominal circumference but it did the trick and she managed to get the measurement. She again checked that he was a boy – definitely! No one could mistake that! She went on and measured fluid levels and they were all normal. She showed us his feet and told us he had lots of hair (I am going to take her word for that, I couldn’t make that out but she pointed out what showed this) she then went on to say something that has been worrying me since I read the scan report, but that she glossed over at the time, that my placenta was mature. She said at the time that it was normal, but mentioned it in the scan notes. From a little bit of internet research it doesn’t seem to be abnormal, but not ideal. I shall make sure I keep an extra close eye on his movements from now on (not that I wasn’t already) and will ask my midwife at my next appointment to clarify how serious I should be taking this.

After my scan I saw my maternal medicine consultant who told me everything was looking good and going in the right direction, I asked about when decisions would be made about induction and she told me that I could book it in now, but that it would be better to wait until the 38 week scan and make decisions then. If things aren’t going right then I could have him within 5 minutes! Hopefully it won’t come to that!

I saw a different thyroid consultant and she told me that she was very pleased with how things had been controlled so far, and that everything was still looking good with me off medication, but she also told me something that no one else had. She reiterated that the over active thyroid was likely to return about three months after birth, then said that if it did it was likely that the levels of medications needed to control it would prevent me breastfeeding, so it is possible, and even probable that I won’t be able to breastfeed for more than 3months. Something I really wanted to do. She has given me some blood test forms to use in the next few months and referred me to a non-maternal endocrinology consultant in 4 months to keep an eye on my levels so we can hopefully catch it early.

All in all it was a positive day, I’m quite gutted we didn’t get better pictures, especially after seeing how clear it was earlier in the scan, and I am ridiculously worried about my placenta, about not realising he is in trouble until it’s too late or him not growing as he should in the next 4 weeks. So fingers crossed it is just a normal amount of placental ageing and that it doesn’t affect him.

Today I had another midwife appointment – my regular midwife wasn’t there yet again. I got the impression that, as nice as she was, this midwife wanted me in and out as quickly as possible. This wasn’t an issue today as I didn’t have many questions, so after she had taken my blood pressure and checked my urine sample she measured my bump and listened to his heartbeat. His heartbeat was lovely and clear and he didn’t even wiggle a lot to make it difficult for her! But my bump measured the same as it did two weeks ago at my last appointment. It was measuring big at 32cm at 31 weeks and now it is measuring 32cm at 33 weeks, she said that she would normally refer me for a growth scan, however I already have one booked for Thursday so hopefully we will see what is going on. I am hopeful that it is just because it isn’t a particularly accurate art, measuring from where they feel the top of the uterus. Fingers crossed everything is ok at the scan on Thursday.
Yesterday I had a repeat blood test as requested by my midwife at our last appointment to check my iron levels as they were borderline last time. They came back borderline again so I am now on 210mg iron tablets three times a day. Apparently a side effect can be constipation, so I’m not looking forward to that!
I also received a phone call this morning from a heath visitor regarding an at home antenatal visit. Unfortunately when I told her I was in the process of moving addresses over to my new house from my parents and gave her my new address she realised that I wasn’t in her area so she is going to pass my details on to the right team. I’m sure I will find out more as to what that is about when I get a call from the new team.

It seems mad to say that I am now 33 weeks, but I really am, it’s really happening!
I’ve spent this entire pregnancy with a little voice in the back of my head telling me I won’t reach the end, that I won’t get to hold my little man, but with every week that goes by, and his every movement that gets stronger, I am listening to those voices less and less. I am growing with confidence that this is actually going to happen. Once I reached 30 weeks I let myself believe I was going to have a baby. Let myself imagine myself with a little one, in my arms, in a cot, going for walks, having baths and being kissed goodnight. I opened my mind to the fact that in 10 weeks that could be me. Now, three weeks on, I fully believe it WILL be me.
That’s not to say I don’t panic when I get a twinge in my tummy or I don’t feel him move for 5 minutes. I always will. But this pregnancy is going to plan. Every consultant and midwife visit is positive. His growth and fluid and heart all seems normal. There is no reason that I won’t get to take this baby home.
I have my 34 week growth scan in a week, his dad can’t come so my parents will get to see the little man on screen – the first time they’ll have seen him moving about, and I cannot wait to see their faces when they see it. Ultrasound has come a long way from when they were having me – you can actually tell what things are nowadays! I think it will be a great bonding experience for his grandparents! It’s crazy to think that in 7 weeks I can no longer call them mum and dad (in front of Jackson anyway)! They will change the names I have known them by for the last 22 years!
Occasionally it hits me that I have only got 7 weeks to go and then I start to panic about everything that still needs to be done. I haven’t even packed my hospital bag yet, there’s a crib to be built and bedding to buy. I have however, now bought some clothes. Only basic bodysuits and sleepsuits, but enough to get by with even if I don’t get anything else.
As scary as only having 7 weeks left is, I often find myself wanting time to get a wriggle on and hurry up so he can get here, but whenever I catch myself thinking this I panic that I am totally not ready and that even if he holds on the full 7 weeks I still won’t be ready! But in the next 7 weeks I will meet him! I like knowing this. Because they arent going to let me go over 40/40 I have a deadline, I know I won’t be waiting until 42/40.
Overall 33 weeks isn’t too bad at the moment. Moving around is getting harder now, and as I still have a bit of growing to do it will only get worse! Lying on the sofa is lovely, but getting up makes me look like a beetle on its back and even getting out of bed definitely takes more effort than it used to! I’m finding loo trips more regular and more urgent, though I am still managing to go through the night with no extra trips. However, during the day when I need to go, I need to get up and go THEN, but wiggling like a beetle on its back doesn’t help with needing the loo! I have got a few stretchmarks on my tummy, all heading downwards directly below my belly button, but they all appeared within the last week so I still have 7 more weeks to get plenty more. I am moisturising my bump daily so hopefully that can keep the worst at bay! All in all I can’t really complain. Pregnancy is treating me quite nicely at the moment!

So after a quick and decisive initial shopping spree for all the major purchases I needed to make for Jackson, infact the majority of it has gone back!
The cotbed was damaged, meaning that the rest of the multibuy offer had to be returned, and after a lot of deliberation about the pram I finally decided to take that back too.
The cotbed doesn’t bother me, I have a crib which will do for the first 6 months while he will be in my room, and so I have this time until I need a cotbed anyway. During which time I hope to find the perfect one for the right price. I shall not rush into buying another one.
The pram, however is a bit more urgent (only 52 days to go!!) I did my research this time, and have now ordered the Hauck Malibu in Tango/Caviar from Tesco. Hopefully it will live up to what I want it to, we are collecting it tomorrow so I shall let you know. The reason I had changed my mind about the previous pram was the lack of the option to have him lying flat facing me. The only way to have the baby lying flat was in the reclined pushchair section which I wasn’t sure was perfectly suitable for a newborn. The other reason was that if I was walking to my parents there would be nowhere for little man to sleep once I got there unless they had a crib at their house, wheras for daytime nap purposes, the separate carry cot can be used as a Moses basket. So all in all (as long as it lives up to my expectations) hopefully this new pram will fulfil all my needs, and the price doesn’t look too bad. The pushchair element looks more adaptable than the Graco Candy, and the wheels have suspension, promising a smoother ride – we shall see! Unfortunately it doesn’t come with, or even have the option of an in car base, however watching online videos it looks really easy to strap into the car each time so that will also be tested as I obviously don’t want to be faffing around for 20 minutes each time I need to put him in or out of the car!
So I am now excitedly awaiting tomorrow when I get to pick up and set up my new pram and have a fiddle and check it is going to do exactly what I think it is going to.

I’m having to return half of the items I’d bought leaving me quite unprepared again!
I wrote about everything I had ordered quite unexpectedly here and the order arrived a few days later. I finally decided to open the boxes to check for damage before returning time runs out and we noticed that the grey paint had chipped off of one corner of the cot bed. Deciding that if it chips that easily it will never survive four or more years in this house, I immediately rang them up and organised a collection and refund. Unfortunately as we bought it as part of a multibuy offer we had to return the whole lot. Fantastic. So now I am totally unprepared again! I have a crib, thankfully we checked that and it was undamaged, so I have a crib and a mattress. Technically I don’t need a cot until he can jump around in the crib, so I am not going to stress about it – I have a little while. Maybe I will wait until Babies R Us has another 20% off everything!
While looking at the cot I started having second thoughts about the buggy, driving my dad insane with my indecision! I love the look of it with the car seat on, but obviously for long walks he shouldn’t be sat in his car seat and to lie flat he would need to be facing away from me which means I cannot see him. I have placated myself by deciding that for the first few months I will not have time to go on long walks, and that by the time I do he will want to be looking around and therefore facing away from me.
We had decided to go shopping for little things and to finish off getting things for my hospital bag on Tuesday, but now that is when my order is being collected so that is all being pushed back! Nothing seems to be coming together very quickly at the moment!
Who knew all this would be so stressful!

This morning I had my 31 week midwife appointment, which was all pretty standard.
She repeatedly told me I had a lovely, neat bump, something I quickly told her isn’t the case when he sticks his bum out and makes it all funny shaped – she laughed at that!
Jackson squirmed like mad when she felt his position (head down, bum sticking out) and used the Doppler, she had to keep moving around to find his heartbeat as he kept moving out the way. It really does make me wonder whether he can feel the ultrasonic waves as he always jiggles a lot whenever a Doppler is used. She measured my bump as quite big on the scale, being well over the top line, but she didn’t seem worried by it, however my last growth scan showed his growth to be spot on the middle of where it should be. We shall see how it all measures up at my next midwife and scan appointments which are only 2 days apart.

She did tell me that my blood tests she did last time showed up as slightly lacking iron, but not enough to prescribe me iron tablets straight away, so she has requested another blood test to check these levels in a couple of weeks. She suggested that because I am vegetarian to eat anything dark green, broccoli, cabbage, spinach etc as these are all high in iron and to have them with a glass of fruit juice. This helps for the iron to be absorbed, and to avoid tea and coffee within an hour of eating anything iron rich as this can stop absorption.

She briefly discussed breastfeeding and I told her that was my plan, (I’m not sure my answer to her question of “why” being “it’s free” was what she was looking for but she seemed to like it!) she also told me about skin to skin contact, as baby is going to be cold and exposed when it’s used to 37degrees and being really snuggled in, so skin to skin helps to ease the transition. She also talked about baby led feeding, feeding the baby when they want it and before they get distressed and start screaming, just to notice the signs they are hungry. I’m sure this will all become clearer when I actually have a baby to feed, at the moment I feel like I’m just nodding like a yes man and hoping the fog lifts and it all suddenly makes sense!
She also told me to read through my baby notes and start thinking about a birth plan, especially after the antenatal classes which I am booked in for in July.

I also booked in for my whooping cough vaccine, the earliest slot available was this afternoon!
I returned to the doctors this afternoon absolutely terrified. I don’t really know why because I inject myself every day and I’ve had so many blood tests you’d think I’d be used to needles by now! But the injection was over very quickly. She told me it may feel like I walked into a door and may swell up a little bit. A few hours later and all I’ve felt is a tiny ache in my arm.

It’s quite scary that it is now only 8 weeks until I get to meet my little man! There is still so much to do, sort out and buy before then!

It’s taken a while for the breakdown of my relationship to fully sink in. Although we were engaged, he hadn’t yet moved in with me so it’s not as if there is an obvious hole, that someone who was always there isn’t any more.
I find that it hits me more when I’m doing simple things and I’m wondering how I’m going to be able to do this in a couple of months time when it’s not just me anymore. I know I won’t be on my own, I have an awesome family and some fantastic friends and I’m sure Jacksons dad will be around, but the prospect of juggling a newborn and simple every day things like cooking dinner for example seem suddenly terrifying. I’ve always assumed that when I had my children I would be part of a family unit, that when I needed to do something I could pass a baby over to my partner, and indeed, this was the plan, but I’m suddenly realising how difficult this will be on my own. I’m counting on the fact that Jackson will sleep lots, atleast to start with. My parents have warned me that a shower will be a quick in and out while he has a nap, that’s fine, but what about if I need to do something urgently and he won’t sleep? Everyone has assured me that I will be ok, they seem so confident of this, but they haven’t ever done it, they won’t be there in the middle of the night when he cries and I am exhausted and I have no one to kick and make them see to him.
I know I will cope. I have to. Lots of people do. But the whole idea is absolutely terrifying, and reading blogs of people preparing for their babies as a couple is getting harder every time I read one. I wish that was me. It was meant to be me. I feel terrible that we planned a baby only to have the safe, stable, secure family unit we planned to provide for this child fall down around my ears. I will of course try my hardest to not let it affect him as much as I can, but I know it will. It’s not a great situation and definitely not one I would have chosen for my child.

I’ve said from the beginning of this pregnancy that I wouldn’t buy anything before I was 36 weeks pregnant, but I very quickly realised that that was all well and good, but baby world is confusing and so I would probably need to start looking earlier than that, just incase baby came early or I was put on bed rest and couldn’t go out looking later on.

When I hit 30 weeks I realised that I felt totally unprepared…

Well, today I bought my pram and cot – That was unexpected!

I had decided to take my parents for a look around so we could get a feel for what was out there and the sort of prices we could be expecting to pay. Walking into Babies R Us we instantly gravitated towards to prams and pushchairs as this was going to be the most tricky thing I wanted. I knew I wanted a travel system and I was interested in Isofix, that was about as far as I had got.

A quick glance around and I was drawn to the Silvercross 3D which came with a free car seat, and the Graco Candy Travel System which seemed to have everything (car seat, raincover, footmuff, changing bag and car seat base) included in the price, which was currently on offer at half price (Down from £349.99 to £174.99). We walked around the rest but nothing really caught my eye, except the ridiculous prices of some of them!

Eventually someone came over and we asked her to demonstrate the Graco Candy, which she did, the car seat was easy to fix onto the frame and it came with a base for the car making it easy to put into and remove from the car. Unfortunately the base wasn’t Isofix, but I was already aware that for a car seat to be isofix you are going to have to add a fair amount to the price, something I cannot afford to do. It folded up fairly small and extremely easily (One hand!) and honestly I was sold on it from then.

I asked how long it was going to be on offer and when she told me probably only another week or so (Definitely not another 6 weeks, which would take me up to when I had been planning to start buying things!) I then asked about their returns policy. She told me that technically if you just change your mind it is only 28 days, but that if it was in resalable condition, ie unused they weren’t overly fussy on time. She then told me about their 20% off baby event which made the price even better (£139.99) and I knew I had found my pram!

We compared the Graco Candy to the Silvercross 3D, and obviously they were in different leagues, but overall the only features that the Silvercross pram had that the Graco Candy didn’t was Isofix, and that the pram seat itself was reversible, whereas in the Graco Candy the only way to have the baby facing you is in the car seat. I didn’t find this a massive issue for the difference in price which once you added in the fact that the Silvercross didn’t come with a car seat base, worked out at about £300.

While we were there we had a look around the cots and decided to get one that converts into a toddler bed which, despite costing an extra few pounds now would save us shelling out on a whole new bed and mattress in a few years. I also worked out I wasn’t particularly fussed on it having drop sides (A feature that not many seemed to have anyway) We had a quick look around the moses baskets and cribs but by this point I was overheating and needed to sit down so we headed out.

We decided to go and look at another local store we had heard of before buying anything, but very quickly realised that we were well out priced in there! They were selling prams that ranged from £600-£1000 for the basic frame, car seats and raincovers separate! Some of them were even “Order now and receive by the end of August” (For those prices I’d want it now, and doing backflips!) We quickly made our excuses and left.

From there we went home and went on the Toys R Us website to order the pram and to look at the specifications of cots. (With a 20% off voucher we were wanting to get as much bought as we could) After another quick look at the specifications for the Pram we added it to the basket and went looking at cots.

We quickly found a grey Henley Cotbed which would match in nicely with my decor (My walls are white with grey woodwork and carpets) As my mum pointed out, a white cot would get lost against the white wall, wheras the grey would stand out a little while still being practical and not gender specific. It had three mattress heights, converted to a junior bed and fitted perfectly in the room. Decision made! This baby shopping is a lot easier than I expected! This led us onto what mattress to get! Maybe I spoke too soon about being easy! They all had fairly good reviews, so we plumped for the one that was on offer with the cot. Buy the cot, this mattress, a changing mat and a cot bedding set for a discount.

From here it led us to the question of will he be sleeping straight in his own room, to which my sheer laziness answered no. I have read that sharing a room with them for the first few months reduces cot death, however I’m sure there are probably studies that say the opposite too, No, what made me decide I wanted him in the same room as me was the night time feeds – I’d rather not have to walk too far in the middle of the night when I reckon I will be knackered anyway, especially as I am doing this on my own. We looked at moses baskets, but they seemed expensive especially as you would need a separate base as well, so I found a nice cheap crib and chose a water repellent mattress with a removable cover (worryingly some didn’t!) Hopefully it will do the job for the first few months.

And that brings us up to date on what we bought today. All that came to the grand total of £383.97 and earned me 479 Gold Card points! (Obviously my parents unfortunately had to pay – I hate this whole not being independent thing already, but I don’t feel that was too bad for living on a budget.) That’s all the major purchases out the way now, just clothes and some more bedding to buy, Asda, Tesco and Primark here we come!