I wrote before about starting to make clothes for tiny babies, but I thought I’d update as it has been a while and my idea has changed and evolved.

It started when I was pregnant with Jackson, my Rainbow Baby, and my local NICU asked people to knit little hats for their patients. I found the rest of the balls of wool I had used to knit Effy-Mae a blanket and used that to knit them (This was where the idea to do this in her memory came from). I found that in a few short days I had knitted up quite a few and I had the bug!

Soon after that I had Jackson and my life became quite hectic, but I knew I wanted to continue making things for babies born too soon and too small, but I decided to change which ones. Before, I had been knitting for those babies who had a chance, those in the NICU, born early, but alive, but then I remembered the blankets that Effy-Mae was presented to me in. Someone had made those and donated them to the hospital for babies born far too small, for babies born asleep. Babies like Effy-Mae, and what more fitting thing to do in her memory?

I had read other stories about similar babies born in different hospitals who were presented to their parents in clothes, what a difference that would have made. Effy-Mae was red, she was bloated, her abdomen was translucent and dark and she was presented to me naked, and it was a shock to see her like that, she looked a little alien. A hat and an outfit would have allowed me to see her instantly as the gorgeous little baby she was.

I never managed to cuddle my little girl, she was presented to me in a basket and blankets and her fragile body was so exposed in the blanket that just holding her made me feel like she was going to break. I think an outfit would have changed that, made her feel more solid, more robust and allowed me to cradle her like a newborn baby, like the first cuddle I should have been getting 4 1/2 months later.

So that was it. If I could make another mums experience a little bit more bearable I had to do it! But how, and what to make.

Effy-Mae was never dressed by me, she spent the whole time I saw her wrapped in blankets, I was never offered clothes for her, and it wasn’t something I considered sourcing and bringing I wasn’t in the headspace to even consider it. They’d have to have been offered to my by the hospital or funeral director, so this is where I will aim to provide my clothes.

I say she was never dressed by me, but she did wear clothes, once. The nurses offered to take photos of her for me after I’d left her, but I didn’t realise that they’d be dressing her for these. When I got the photos back I cried. I sat in the chapel at the hospital and cried to my dad asking what they’d done to her! They had forced her into a knitted dress with sleeves that they’d had to push her arms through, ripping her paper thin, delicate skin. I couldn’t look at those photos for a long time, they upset me too much.
This is key to the clothes I am going to make, I don’t want anyone else going through what I did, so any clothes I make will be totally open with poppers to do them up meaning no limbs will be forced through and no babies damaged. If I can’t make this work as I imagine then I will not make clothes and I shall stick to blankets and hats.

I have recently found some preemie baby sleepsuits on sale that open completely allowing them to be carefully dressed and for their treatment to continue around the clothing, this was exactly what I was planning on designing so I bought a set and shall now unpick these to get myself a pattern. These only go down to 3lb babies so I will need to shrink the pattern to make it suitable for tiny babies from around 15 weeks gestation. I will see what I can make and then contact my local hospital and funeral director to see if this is something they can and will use, but I am quite passionate about this because with a sleepsuit and a hat on I reckon the tiniest baby will look more like the tiny newborn that to their mother they are.

So watch this space – I’ll be tweeting updates with the #SleepsuitsForSleepingBabies. I’m so excited about this project, but I will need to learn to use a sewing machine first (and teach Jackson to sleep!), I just wish I’d had the foresight to make one of these for Effy-Mae.

It’s been almost two years since I lost my daughter and she still hasn’t got a headstone!

It’s stupid for something about as long as a tweet to take so long to write. I’ve been thinking about it the whole time but nothing has seemed right. I’d think of something, write it down, show it to people, they’d like it, and then I’d decide it wasn’t right.

I want something that shows how much she was wanted and is loved, while avoiding the classic clichés that would make her grave like all the others, but something that I will still like in 50 years time. It was tough, and has taken me forever!

Something I’ve always known I wanted, right from the start was the shape, simple and classic (though for some reason not commonly available), and that I want it pale, preferably white (maybe that means marble). I also want her name in a script font, and pink, as it makes it more her (or the personality I’ve given her.)

Lastly I really want her footprints on the top, and for them to be actual size, but they were so tiny they may look silly, so I might need to swap them for another image, or maybe add to the image to make it bigger. We will see.

So now coming up 2 years on I think I’ve chosen the wording and layout I want, only the thing is I think I’ve overthought it meaning nothing about it is simply off the peg (not that it’s totally out there!), so I now need to find somewhere that can make my vision a reality.

Let’s see how this goes and whether I need to compromise on something! I so hope not because I really like my design (I should do – it’s taken long enough)!

I never met my daughter, I carried her for 21 weeks, but I never got to know her on the outside, however, I’ve given her a personality, I’ve built up an image in my head of who she would be.

I always wanted a girl, and decided to make the most of it – I type her name in script and imagine her in dresses. I adorn her grave in pink and bunnies.

She’s my pink, swirly, floral, delicate girl. 

I know that in reality she was quiet compared to her brother – when I was pregnant with him I could see him kicking from 19 weeks (actually see my bump moving) but when I was pregnant with Effy-Mae I barely felt her moving in 21 weeks, (but then everyone’s quiet compared to her brother!) so that fits in with my image of her.

She may have turned out to have been a tomboy, hating dresses, refusing to go out in anything but dungarees, but I’ll never know, I have to work with what I know! Maybe she’s sat, wherever she is, watching me bring yet more pink flowers to her grave (and tutting when her dad has brought yellow ones,) complaining that she hates pink and would it kill me to bring her some orange?!

Yes I sound insane, but giving her a personality, even though it’s all in my head, keeps me sane!

Yesterday we went to the zoo! It was Jacksons first trip and it was a fantastic day out. We went with his Dad and Nanny and we all enjoyed ourselves. He didn’t particularly look at the animals but enjoyed being outside with the noises and the crowds of people that half term brings.
It wasn’t until the journey home that I realised I hadn’t thought about Effy-Mae all day. That’s incredibly unusual, especially, when like yesterday, I am surrounded by children of the age she would be. I normally look at them and wonder. Would she be doing that? Would she be like Jackson and first to do everything? Would she be loud? Quiet? Greedy? Kind?
But I forgot to remember her! I went a whole day out without my mind skipping to her. I don’t normally need visual cues for my mind to go there, but yesterday I had many and it didn’t.
Obviously I was preoccupied. There was lots to look at, it was a new place and I had to keep my eye on Jackson too, but even so. Is this what the future holds? Days where I don’t think about her? Days where I forget to remember? Because I don’t want to. I want to be able to live my life without her, but I don’t want to not think about her.
We are now coming up 2 years on. 2 whole years and barely a day goes by I don’t think about her. Is that beginning to change? Will I get to 5 years and only think about her once a week? 20 years and it be once a year? I don’t want that! She’s my daughter and I don’t ever want to forget to remember her!