I suppose it was always to be expected after losing my last pregnancy that I would be overprotective about this one, but I don’t think I could ever have known how much that would affect my day to day life.
I analyse everything that I do – read up about it, check all ingredients etc.
I do the simple and obvious things, I avoid alcohol, caffeine, raw eggs (avoiding raw cake mix is a killer when making a cake!) and all the other common knowledge things. This isn’t anything different or new, I did this in my last pregnancy too. But there are other things, less normal, less rational things.
During my last pregnancy I was driving 65miles a day commuting to and from work, during this pregnancy I worry when I have to drive 5miles. Driving had nothing to do with me losing my baby, there is no rational reason for this, but even when I get a lift with someone else I spend the entire journey braced stiffly in my seat with my seatbelt held away from my tummy just incase we crash and when I’m driving I dread starting off, drive so carefully people probably hate me, and breathe a massive sigh of relief when I get out of the car.
That’s not the most ridiculous – I wake many times during the night, not because I’m uncomfortable, not because I need the loo, but to check I am sleeping in the right positions, that I’m not on my back, that I’m not accidentally doing something to endanger my baby.
I refuse to move out of my bed in the morning until I have felt him move. I will lie there sometimes for half an hour or more talking to him just waiting for him to move and reassure me that he survived the night. Every morning.
Life has taken on a new angle during this pregnancy. Doing what I want doesn’t matter any more (I suppose this is good practise for him arriving), but if it’s not safe for baby then I won’t risk it. I am terrified of everything going wrong, no, I’m terrified of everything. I’m terrified of losing another baby and I’m terrified of it being my fault.
I know that when he is born I will continue worrying but about a whole new set of things, that I won’t let him out of my sight and that I will check on him very 5 minutes when he’s asleep, but I cannot wait for this new set of challenges.

I think I’ve gone into denial that I am going to be having a baby in a few short weeks time!
It’s crazy!
I am so used to having a bump that I now pass it off as normal, and don’t associate the movements I am feeling with an actual baby that will soon be on the outside! I talk to Jackson, my boy, little man, but don’t picture him as any more than a bump!
It’s only when I look at my pram, all set up and waiting do I suddenly have a jolt of realisation that soon there will be a baby in there, mine, my son, my responsibility, I’ll be his mummy, his future will be down to me.
Half my mind wants him out, knows that while he is still inside me that there is a chance that something will go wrong, my blood will clot, and he will die. I want him safe. My brain acknowledges that, but at the same time, while he is inside me I know how to look after him, I know what I’m doing. When he’s out I won’t have a clue what to do. I’m hoping nature will kick in at that point, that maternal instinct will help me, but at the same time, not allowing myself to believe I was pregnant for 30 weeks wasn’t helpful, and the fact my brain seems to have gone into denial again just 4 weeks later is even less so!

Today was the one from last planned four weekly growth scan, and in my new positive spirit I was hopeful about the outcome of today, but of course was a little apprehensive.  As I mentioned before Jacksons dad was unable to come to the scan due to work so I took my parents to show them Jackson on the ultrasound, and it was just as nice as I expected it to be.

I could tell from the beginning that the sonographer was going to be very thorough and she talked us through everything she was doing. She started measuring him head circumference and showed us his little face. It looked almost as clear as a 3D scan, seeing his eyes closed with his chubby cheeks – unfortunately she didn’t take a photo of this so the scan photos I got weren’t anything like as clear as this.

She then moved on and measured his kidneys and femur length. She had to ask me to roll onto my side to try to get him to move a little bit so she could measure his abdominal circumference but it did the trick and she managed to get the measurement. She again checked that he was a boy – definitely! No one could mistake that! She went on and measured fluid levels and they were all normal. She showed us his feet and told us he had lots of hair (I am going to take her word for that, I couldn’t make that out but she pointed out what showed this) she then went on to say something that has been worrying me since I read the scan report, but that she glossed over at the time, that my placenta was mature. She said at the time that it was normal, but mentioned it in the scan notes. From a little bit of internet research it doesn’t seem to be abnormal, but not ideal. I shall make sure I keep an extra close eye on his movements from now on (not that I wasn’t already) and will ask my midwife at my next appointment to clarify how serious I should be taking this.

After my scan I saw my maternal medicine consultant who told me everything was looking good and going in the right direction, I asked about when decisions would be made about induction and she told me that I could book it in now, but that it would be better to wait until the 38 week scan and make decisions then. If things aren’t going right then I could have him within 5 minutes! Hopefully it won’t come to that!

I saw a different thyroid consultant and she told me that she was very pleased with how things had been controlled so far, and that everything was still looking good with me off medication, but she also told me something that no one else had. She reiterated that the over active thyroid was likely to return about three months after birth, then said that if it did it was likely that the levels of medications needed to control it would prevent me breastfeeding, so it is possible, and even probable that I won’t be able to breastfeed for more than 3months. Something I really wanted to do. She has given me some blood test forms to use in the next few months and referred me to a non-maternal endocrinology consultant in 4 months to keep an eye on my levels so we can hopefully catch it early.

All in all it was a positive day, I’m quite gutted we didn’t get better pictures, especially after seeing how clear it was earlier in the scan, and I am ridiculously worried about my placenta, about not realising he is in trouble until it’s too late or him not growing as he should in the next 4 weeks. So fingers crossed it is just a normal amount of placental ageing and that it doesn’t affect him.

Today I had another midwife appointment – my regular midwife wasn’t there yet again. I got the impression that, as nice as she was, this midwife wanted me in and out as quickly as possible. This wasn’t an issue today as I didn’t have many questions, so after she had taken my blood pressure and checked my urine sample she measured my bump and listened to his heartbeat. His heartbeat was lovely and clear and he didn’t even wiggle a lot to make it difficult for her! But my bump measured the same as it did two weeks ago at my last appointment. It was measuring big at 32cm at 31 weeks and now it is measuring 32cm at 33 weeks, she said that she would normally refer me for a growth scan, however I already have one booked for Thursday so hopefully we will see what is going on. I am hopeful that it is just because it isn’t a particularly accurate art, measuring from where they feel the top of the uterus. Fingers crossed everything is ok at the scan on Thursday.
Yesterday I had a repeat blood test as requested by my midwife at our last appointment to check my iron levels as they were borderline last time. They came back borderline again so I am now on 210mg iron tablets three times a day. Apparently a side effect can be constipation, so I’m not looking forward to that!
I also received a phone call this morning from a heath visitor regarding an at home antenatal visit. Unfortunately when I told her I was in the process of moving addresses over to my new house from my parents and gave her my new address she realised that I wasn’t in her area so she is going to pass my details on to the right team. I’m sure I will find out more as to what that is about when I get a call from the new team.

It seems mad to say that I am now 33 weeks, but I really am, it’s really happening!
I’ve spent this entire pregnancy with a little voice in the back of my head telling me I won’t reach the end, that I won’t get to hold my little man, but with every week that goes by, and his every movement that gets stronger, I am listening to those voices less and less. I am growing with confidence that this is actually going to happen. Once I reached 30 weeks I let myself believe I was going to have a baby. Let myself imagine myself with a little one, in my arms, in a cot, going for walks, having baths and being kissed goodnight. I opened my mind to the fact that in 10 weeks that could be me. Now, three weeks on, I fully believe it WILL be me.
That’s not to say I don’t panic when I get a twinge in my tummy or I don’t feel him move for 5 minutes. I always will. But this pregnancy is going to plan. Every consultant and midwife visit is positive. His growth and fluid and heart all seems normal. There is no reason that I won’t get to take this baby home.
I have my 34 week growth scan in a week, his dad can’t come so my parents will get to see the little man on screen – the first time they’ll have seen him moving about, and I cannot wait to see their faces when they see it. Ultrasound has come a long way from when they were having me – you can actually tell what things are nowadays! I think it will be a great bonding experience for his grandparents! It’s crazy to think that in 7 weeks I can no longer call them mum and dad (in front of Jackson anyway)! They will change the names I have known them by for the last 22 years!
Occasionally it hits me that I have only got 7 weeks to go and then I start to panic about everything that still needs to be done. I haven’t even packed my hospital bag yet, there’s a crib to be built and bedding to buy. I have however, now bought some clothes. Only basic bodysuits and sleepsuits, but enough to get by with even if I don’t get anything else.
As scary as only having 7 weeks left is, I often find myself wanting time to get a wriggle on and hurry up so he can get here, but whenever I catch myself thinking this I panic that I am totally not ready and that even if he holds on the full 7 weeks I still won’t be ready! But in the next 7 weeks I will meet him! I like knowing this. Because they arent going to let me go over 40/40 I have a deadline, I know I won’t be waiting until 42/40.
Overall 33 weeks isn’t too bad at the moment. Moving around is getting harder now, and as I still have a bit of growing to do it will only get worse! Lying on the sofa is lovely, but getting up makes me look like a beetle on its back and even getting out of bed definitely takes more effort than it used to! I’m finding loo trips more regular and more urgent, though I am still managing to go through the night with no extra trips. However, during the day when I need to go, I need to get up and go THEN, but wiggling like a beetle on its back doesn’t help with needing the loo! I have got a few stretchmarks on my tummy, all heading downwards directly below my belly button, but they all appeared within the last week so I still have 7 more weeks to get plenty more. I am moisturising my bump daily so hopefully that can keep the worst at bay! All in all I can’t really complain. Pregnancy is treating me quite nicely at the moment!

So after a quick and decisive initial shopping spree for all the major purchases I needed to make for Jackson, infact the majority of it has gone back!
The cotbed was damaged, meaning that the rest of the multibuy offer had to be returned, and after a lot of deliberation about the pram I finally decided to take that back too.
The cotbed doesn’t bother me, I have a crib which will do for the first 6 months while he will be in my room, and so I have this time until I need a cotbed anyway. During which time I hope to find the perfect one for the right price. I shall not rush into buying another one.
The pram, however is a bit more urgent (only 52 days to go!!) I did my research this time, and have now ordered the Hauck Malibu in Tango/Caviar from Tesco. Hopefully it will live up to what I want it to, we are collecting it tomorrow so I shall let you know. The reason I had changed my mind about the previous pram was the lack of the option to have him lying flat facing me. The only way to have the baby lying flat was in the reclined pushchair section which I wasn’t sure was perfectly suitable for a newborn. The other reason was that if I was walking to my parents there would be nowhere for little man to sleep once I got there unless they had a crib at their house, wheras for daytime nap purposes, the separate carry cot can be used as a Moses basket. So all in all (as long as it lives up to my expectations) hopefully this new pram will fulfil all my needs, and the price doesn’t look too bad. The pushchair element looks more adaptable than the Graco Candy, and the wheels have suspension, promising a smoother ride – we shall see! Unfortunately it doesn’t come with, or even have the option of an in car base, however watching online videos it looks really easy to strap into the car each time so that will also be tested as I obviously don’t want to be faffing around for 20 minutes each time I need to put him in or out of the car!
So I am now excitedly awaiting tomorrow when I get to pick up and set up my new pram and have a fiddle and check it is going to do exactly what I think it is going to.

I’m having to return half of the items I’d bought leaving me quite unprepared again!
I wrote about everything I had ordered quite unexpectedly here and the order arrived a few days later. I finally decided to open the boxes to check for damage before returning time runs out and we noticed that the grey paint had chipped off of one corner of the cot bed. Deciding that if it chips that easily it will never survive four or more years in this house, I immediately rang them up and organised a collection and refund. Unfortunately as we bought it as part of a multibuy offer we had to return the whole lot. Fantastic. So now I am totally unprepared again! I have a crib, thankfully we checked that and it was undamaged, so I have a crib and a mattress. Technically I don’t need a cot until he can jump around in the crib, so I am not going to stress about it – I have a little while. Maybe I will wait until Babies R Us has another 20% off everything!
While looking at the cot I started having second thoughts about the buggy, driving my dad insane with my indecision! I love the look of it with the car seat on, but obviously for long walks he shouldn’t be sat in his car seat and to lie flat he would need to be facing away from me which means I cannot see him. I have placated myself by deciding that for the first few months I will not have time to go on long walks, and that by the time I do he will want to be looking around and therefore facing away from me.
We had decided to go shopping for little things and to finish off getting things for my hospital bag on Tuesday, but now that is when my order is being collected so that is all being pushed back! Nothing seems to be coming together very quickly at the moment!
Who knew all this would be so stressful!

This morning I had my 31 week midwife appointment, which was all pretty standard.
She repeatedly told me I had a lovely, neat bump, something I quickly told her isn’t the case when he sticks his bum out and makes it all funny shaped – she laughed at that!
Jackson squirmed like mad when she felt his position (head down, bum sticking out) and used the Doppler, she had to keep moving around to find his heartbeat as he kept moving out the way. It really does make me wonder whether he can feel the ultrasonic waves as he always jiggles a lot whenever a Doppler is used. She measured my bump as quite big on the scale, being well over the top line, but she didn’t seem worried by it, however my last growth scan showed his growth to be spot on the middle of where it should be. We shall see how it all measures up at my next midwife and scan appointments which are only 2 days apart.

She did tell me that my blood tests she did last time showed up as slightly lacking iron, but not enough to prescribe me iron tablets straight away, so she has requested another blood test to check these levels in a couple of weeks. She suggested that because I am vegetarian to eat anything dark green, broccoli, cabbage, spinach etc as these are all high in iron and to have them with a glass of fruit juice. This helps for the iron to be absorbed, and to avoid tea and coffee within an hour of eating anything iron rich as this can stop absorption.

She briefly discussed breastfeeding and I told her that was my plan, (I’m not sure my answer to her question of “why” being “it’s free” was what she was looking for but she seemed to like it!) she also told me about skin to skin contact, as baby is going to be cold and exposed when it’s used to 37degrees and being really snuggled in, so skin to skin helps to ease the transition. She also talked about baby led feeding, feeding the baby when they want it and before they get distressed and start screaming, just to notice the signs they are hungry. I’m sure this will all become clearer when I actually have a baby to feed, at the moment I feel like I’m just nodding like a yes man and hoping the fog lifts and it all suddenly makes sense!
She also told me to read through my baby notes and start thinking about a birth plan, especially after the antenatal classes which I am booked in for in July.

I also booked in for my whooping cough vaccine, the earliest slot available was this afternoon!
I returned to the doctors this afternoon absolutely terrified. I don’t really know why because I inject myself every day and I’ve had so many blood tests you’d think I’d be used to needles by now! But the injection was over very quickly. She told me it may feel like I walked into a door and may swell up a little bit. A few hours later and all I’ve felt is a tiny ache in my arm.

It’s quite scary that it is now only 8 weeks until I get to meet my little man! There is still so much to do, sort out and buy before then!