Midwife

This time I had very few questions for my midwife, it’s funny how some weeks you have loads and some weeks everything seems very under control and you don’t have many, my only question really was whether he had turned round or if he was still back to back.
She started by testing my wee and doing my blood pressure, both were fine, then she got me up on the bed to check my bump. She measured it at 37cm which was only a cm growth from last time – just under two weeks ago, but bump has dropped and it still plots on the top line of my graph so she wasn’t too worried especially as I have a scan booked for Thursday anyway. She then felt around and said that it felt like his back was up one side and no longer round the back which is a much better position! She also felt around his head (pushing it into my bladder!) and told me that it was engaged! Things are moving in the right direction!
I don’t have another appointment with her until 5th August now, but she did say that depending on what they say on Thursday regarding induction I can ring and change that. She mentioned that I could get her to do a membrane sweep if I am going to be induced (but the consultants have to write this in my notes because she can’t do it before 40weeks without permission) which releases hormones and can start labour – this is good in induced labour as your body is forced into labour and isn’t necessarily ready with all the natural hormones.
She laughed about how from the back I still don’t look pregnant, because my entire bump is straight out the front, she also said that my stretchmarks only look bad because they are small and close together meaning the overall look is pink, but that once they fade they’ll be almost unnoticeable, so fingers crossed!

The Countdown Begins

We are now into the last month of this pregnancy, my countdown is no longer in months, but days! (23 days until my due date)

I am now getting excited.
It’s taken a while, and I’m not going to say I’m not still worried – I’m still terrified that something will go wrong at the last minute and snatch this little miracle from me, but touch wood, within 23 days I will get to meet and bring home my healthy little man.
I say I’m excited. I am, when I think about it, when I don’t, I find it very easy to forget I am pregnant at all! I can complain about aches and pains, feeling tired and needing the loo a lot but unless I am actually concentrating I find it very easy to forget why. I suppose this is a side effect of not letting myself believe I was pregnant for so long, that, and the fact that I am still completely disbelieving that there is a baby growing inside me, it’s crazy! I’m pretty sure that that won’t hit home until I deliver him and get to have my first cuddle!
As much as I am trying to mentally prepare myself to bring him home I cannot associate the kicks inside me with an actual breathing, crying baby! The kicks are something that is happening to my body, something weird and alien that I cannot control, but I cannot get my head to link those kicks with an actual baby! Sounds mad I’m sure!

And that brings me on to preparing to bring him home. As you saw a few posts back I have got most things bought ready for him when he comes home, but I have a few bits left, and everything left to sort out, prepare and build! I may HAVE the crib and mattress, but it is still in the box, I may HAVE a lot of clothes ready and waiting, but they are all still in their packets (these are now slowly being worked through). There is a lot of washing to do, of sheets and clothes, but I am getting there. Before my 38 week scan I want to have it ready to bring him home to. Crib built and with sheets and blankets, and his full wardrobe ready to be worn. It is possible that at the 38 week scan they may decide to induce me there and then, so it would be nice to know that if this is the case everything is ready for him at home.

It almost feels like I am planning for someone else’s baby, that it can’t possibly be me this close to getting to meet MY baby, who will rely on me, his MUMMY for the next 18 years. It seems crazy, but at the same time totally right. He is going to be – already is – my whole world, he just needs to come into it now.

Antenatal Class Two – Baby’s First Week

The midwife welcomed us into the room and as soon as I saw her I knew it was a familiar face, unfortunately not one I had hoped I’d ever see again (as lovely as she was). I didn’t recognise her immediately as the entire day I met her was a blur but the more she talked the more I recognised that she was the midwife who I went to see when I stopped feeling Effy-Mae moving, and she was the midwife who couldn’t find a heartbeat and who referred me to the hospital for an emergency scan. She was the midwife I saw who started the ball rolling on the worst day of my life.
From the moment this had clicked into place I was only half paying attention, half trying really hard not to remember that day and concentrating on taking in as much information as possible so I could look after Jackson properly.

The midwife started the class by asking what the last class had been about and when we told her about birth and labour she had to put away all the equipment she had prepared for the class – there doesn’t seem to be any communication and she had prepared for the same class again! She then asked if we had seen these, and held up some particularly scary looking items. When we all looked blank she asked if we had been told about assisted deliveries, eg forceps and Caesarian, when we said no, she asked if we would like to be told about them. No one seemed to want to answer so I suggested it would be nice to know a little bit about them, 20minutes later she finished that section!!

She started with the kiwi which is essentially a suction cup that is stuck to the side of babies head and then the doctor pulls when you push and baby slides out easier, she also showed us a different, more basic version of the same thing which basically looked like a rubber plunger! She did tell us that if baby has one of these deliveries it is possible that they will have a slight bump on their head where the suction cup fits, but that this is just a buildup of fluid under the skin outside the skull and doesn’t affect baby’s brain, but could take up to 7 weeks to go. She did say that it is possible to get this even without an assisted delivery from when baby’s head is pushing against the cervix for an extended period of time.
She also told us about forceps. These always look scary to me, and they do need local anaesthetic to be used as obviously large metal things being shoved places they wouldn’t normally be shoved is going to hurt, but she said that they are more used to guide than pull and they allow for a more controlled delivery. They are often used during cesarians to allow for a slower delivery of the head as baby has had no time to prepare unlike in a natural delivery. She also mentioned that they are used in premature deliveries, again to allow for a slow birth as the size of the baby isn’t going to slow down delivery.
From this she moved onto caesarians and asked us how many people we thought there would be in the room. I think she was meaning to prepare us for if it did happen that we wouldn’t be worried with that many people in the room, however it did seem like there would be quite an audience. With one of the ladies in the group having twins she was warned that some of the people would double up, one for each baby!
Mum
Dad
Surgeon
Surgeons assistant
Anaesthetist
Anaesthetists assistant
Nurse
Midwife
Student midwife
Paediatric doctor
– And I’m sure I have forgotten some.
She reassured us that both mum and dad would be behind a screen and unable to see anything happening, but that as long as it was all ok that baby would be placed straight on mums chest for skin to skin like a normal delivery.

From this and with us all feeling notably more nervous about something going wrong, but reassured that we would atleast know what was happening if it did, we moved onto what we had expected to learn about.

I asked her to clarify how long we would stay in hospital. She told us that if we had a general anaesthetic caesarian then we would stay in for about 3 days, however, if it was a nice normal complication free vaginal birth then the minimum stay is 6 hours as this is how old the baby needs to be before some tests are carried out, but she did say not to go home until you feel totally confident in what you are doing, especially with breastfeeding, as it could be a full day before you get your first midwife visit, and this is a long time to struggle with a hungry baby! The tests done at the hospital are a hearing test (however not to panic if they give you a follow up appointment as often babies ears are still full of liquid!) checking the babies hips and heart and that they have 10 fingers and 10 toes and that everything else looks ok. After that at about 10 days the midwife will do a heel prick test to check for cystic fibrosis, an underactive thyroid and other incurable but treatable conditions. She also told us that their day 3 midwife visit should be the lowest weight baby will reach as they have been getting all their food on demand and not having to do anything for it up until that point and now they have to breathe and move and cry and wait and suck for food! They can lose 8-10% of their original body weight through this, but she assured us they would soon put it back on. After this the midwife hands over care to the health visitors who will continue to see you until baby is 5.

From going home she talked about bathing the baby and basically her advice was don’t! (Apart from their hair which will come out gunky and should be washed with a baby shampoo – wrap baby in a towel and tuck them under your arm nice and securely. Babies tend to cry when they’re held if they don’t feel they are being held securely) Babies come out with a protective, moisturising layer on their skin that excessive bathing removes which can lead to it becoming dry. She instead suggested top and tailing – however she told us that we didn’t need to clean their eyes unless they were gunky – how often to we need to clean our eyes? If babies eyes are gunky and remain so after washing then she suggested squirting some breast milk into them (she didn’t explain why, I’m assuming it has some anti bacterial properties or antibodies in?!) She suggested the same if the umbilical cord seemed to be infected. The umbilical cord should fall off in about 7-10 days. She mentioned that maybe their nails would need to be cut and that to do this you could use clippers, scissors or you could bite them yourself. Midwives are apparently not allowed to cut babies nails any more as apparently one nipped a babies finger and the parents kicked up a stink.

She did point out that you would need to wash their bum most nappy changes, and that baby wipes weren’t recommended for newborn skin, that water and cotton wool was preferred. She did however say that if you are out or it is the middle of the night, that the occasional baby wipe is fine, but not recommended for constant use.
She told us about baby poo, which sounds delightful! Apparently the first poo is black/green and like tar, but totally sterile as it has come out of you! It is made from amniotic fluid which is basically baby’s wee (which baby has been drinking and breathing) that has been in the gut and the water has been reabsorbed. However apparently after that, breastfed baby’s poo becomes really liquid and yellowy and comes out quite forcefully, while formula fed babies poo is more solid and ‘putty’ like. This, I have to say seems to be a big plus for formula feeding your baby! (Though I’m sure the benefits of breastfeeding will make themselves apparent later!)

She talked a little bit about breastfeeding and that our bodies are in tune to what baby needs. With it being summer baby will be thirsty and not hungry some of the time, but at these times our bodies should know and produce a more watery breast milk. She also told us that colostrum is the wonder food and that 1ml is all baby need for an hour of sustenance (a teaspoon is 5ml!) baby’s tummy is only the size of a marble when they are first born as they haven’t needed it up until now, so not to worry if it doesn’t seem that they are eating much, their tummy soon grows and by day 3 is the size of a walnut, as for breastfeeding positions, she basically told us to ensure that the baby’s head is in line with its body as this reduces the chance for any latching problems, and to hug the baby as close to your body as possible as this makes baby feel warm and secure.

She told us that winding after feeding it isn’t always necessary, however, if baby needs to be and isn’t winded then it can cause gas and colic, and then you’ll have to deal with an unhappy baby! To wind them just sit them on your lap (obviously supporting their head) and rub their back. If nothing happens then lay them down, lift them up again and try again. However she did say not to pat their back as for obvious reasons babies don’t like this and then they associate this with feeding and it can put them off. However, as she pointed out, formula fed babies are more likely to have issues with wind as they can take in wind from the bottle, whereas unless a breastfed baby has a bad latch on their chances to take in air are minimal as there is no air in the breast.

She also talked about room temperature. Baby is used to 37degrees currently, so being born into about 25degrees is going to be a shock to their bodies. This is why skin to skin is so important, and also why they give them a hat to wear. Baby has never had to regulate its own temperature before so it finds this hard to start with, however it quickly manages to do this itself, therefore after the first day or so baby doesn’t need to wear a hat. Once baby is home the ideal room temperature is 18degrees, however obviously we can’t change what the temperature is, especially having summer babies, so to simply remove clothing. If the temperature is over 30degrees baby is ok to sleep in just a nappy. Over 26ish degrees just a nappy and sleepsuit. Over 24degrees a sheet, nappy and sleepsuit. And after that start adding blankets. The way to check a baby is warm is to put your fingers on its chest to check its not too hot or cold, however, it’s better off slightly cold than warm as a cold baby wakes up and cries, a warm baby is as greater risk of SIDS.

This is about all I can remember from the session. I’m sure she covered more, and I’m sure I will remember it when I come to do it, but right now this is all I can recall.

Obviously I don’t know how much of this is fact, I accept no responsibility for you biting your child’s nails! I am simply regurgitating what I remember from what the midwife told us.

35 Week Midwife Visit

Leading up to my midwife appointment I was hopeful that I would get to see my actual midwife unlike lots of my other appointments where she has been ill or on holiday and I have had to see a different midwife. My midwife seems to understand takes time to listen and make sure that I get things.

Thankfully I did actually get to see my midwife and so I went in ready to ask my long list of questions that had arisen since my scan and first antenatal class.

She started normally, urine test and blood pressure were normal, and his heartrate was a good speed, she did tell me that she felt a lot of limbs at the front when she was feeling his position, I told her that a lot of the movement seemed to be limbs sticking out of my bump. She said that it felt like he was back to back or atleast his spine was further round the back than she would like. She suggested that I spend time on all fours or any position with my bump hanging down to enable gravity to pull him round and adjust his position. She told me that he would be more comfortable with more room to put his legs if he turned round, not to mention make birth easier.

I also asked her about the fact they had picked up on a mature placenta at my last scan. She told me that she read it as the placenta was as mature as the baby, however she also said she could see how it could mean that the placenta was more mature than the baby and therefore not working as effectively as it needed to be. As I am having another scan in two weeks she didn’t seem too concerned as anything concerning would be picked up and mentioned then, she did make a point to make sure I am keeping an extra close eye on movements and letting the midwives know if I notice any change in movement. I assured her I was definitely doing that already!

I had decided I would quite like a water birth, but wasn’t sure how this would be affected by being induced. She reassured me that if I was induced just so I didn’t go overdue that there should be no reason I couldn’t have a water birth, however, if I was induced due to problems with the placenta or anything then baby would need more monitoring and therefore a water birth wouldn’t be possible.

As I have really been struggling with moving around recently I mentioned that when I move or roll over, my hips make a deafening cracking noise. She told me this was just down to the ligaments relaxing, however I shouldn’t aggravate the situation, so if I roll over, roll both legs together not one and then the other as this adds a strain to joints.

Another thing that was concerning me was that I hadn’t heard from my health visitor yet. I had had a phonecall from the health visitor in my parents area where I had only just changed my address from to my new house, but my new house is apparently outside their area, so I was awaiting a call from one from my area. I mentioned this to my midwife and she told me she would chase it up, but not to worry if they didn’t get in contact, they would catch up with me after he is born.

She also mentioned that I have had a lot going on this pregnancy and that she was amazed that I didn’t complain more, that I just take it all in my stride. I replied to this simply that he was alive and I would do anything to keep him that way, that I have nothing to complain about.

I booked in for another appointment in a couple of weeks, we will see what questions are thrown up at my antenatal class tonight.

Hospital Bag

I wrote out my list ages ago as I had seen that lots of people had their hospital bags ready by 32 weeks and I was beginning to panic, so I worked out what I would need and then set about buying and searching out the things I thought I would need, this has been a rather long, drawn out process leaving my bag half packed for weeks!
I have always been an overpacker – I’d rather have too much and not use half of it than not have something I wish I had. This makes me quite hard to travel with as I always have far too many bags as is proportionate to the amount of time I am away! I can see this being even more of an issue here as I am packing for two of us and I don’t know for how long, how big either of us are going to be afterwards or what the weather is going to be like!!
I started by looking through other peoples hospital bag lists that they had helpfully put on their blogs, and making a list. Each one I read had something different on so slowly my list grew and grew! I then found some sites like Tesco and Babycentre had lists too so I took even more inspiration from there. Finally I thought I had a fairly comprehensive list so I took it around shopping with me!
I managed to pick up lots of the things I didn’t have at Tesco, eg breast pads and maternity pads. I then set about finding things around the house that still fit me and would be suitable. Eg. an old nightdress and button up fronted tops.

So here is the list I have (please tell me if you think of anything I haven’t got on my list!!)

FOR ME

Practical
Baby notes I shall stick a big note to my bag to remember these as obviously they can’t be packed until the last minute!
Car park change I need to check prices so I make sure I pack enough!
Phone charger
A list of phone numbers just incase I forget my charger and my phone dies
Puzzle book incase it is a long labour and me or my mum get bored!

Clothing
Old nightdress for labour
Dressing gown thin as will be mid summer
Fluffy non slip socks
Loose comfy black knickers x5
Nursing bras I plumped for padded 36B from H&M as I am currently only just filling my 34A bras but they could be considered tight round the band
Pyjamas for after the birth button up top for breastfeeding
Loose fitting tops for going home possibly front opening for ease of breastfeeding
Loose fitting bottoms for going home

 

Toiletries
Maternity pads Tesco own brand. Thick old fashioned ones were recommended by the midwife to ensure they are changed often to minimise infection risk – unlike the modern thin ones that instantly suck all moisture away so you leave them longer
Breast pads
Nipple cream
Face wipes
Shower gel hopefully I get to have a shower after! – I have gone for a Simple one as I’m pretty sure I won’t want chemicals down there anytime soon after!
Shampoo
Deodorant
Toothbrush
Toothpaste
Towel
Hairbrush
Hair bands
Makeup just a little bit so I hopefully look alive in some of the photos!
Contact lenses

 

FOR JACKSON

Practical
Nappies In sizes 1 and 2 to cover all eventualities. I chose pampers as I am not sure what is good and what isn’t. I’m hoping to use reusable eventually but I will be starting off with disposable
Nappy bags
Nappy cream
Cotton wool balls
Bib
Muslin squares
Blanket
Towel
Small ‘first’ toy

Clothes
Baby grows x6 short armed and legless as it will be warm. In tiny baby and newborn sizes (3 of each)
Sleepsuit
Woollen Hats x2
Cotton hat
Scratch mitts
Going home outfit
Socks
Booties
Cardigan

Thankfully I have managed to get it all in one reasonable suitcase – packing is just like Tetris!

Getting Prepared for Jackson at Home

I’m feeling quite prepared now, even if little man arrived tomorrow I’m sure I have enough to cope – I know this is a bare minimums list, but more can be picked up as we go along as I work out what I am using.
Please let me know if you spot anything I have missed!

Travel
Hauck Malibu Travel System includes a carrycot, car seat and push chair along with changing bag and raincover

 

Bed – Night
Crib
Mattress
Fitted crib sheets x2
Flat crib sheets cotton x2 jersey x2
Blankets – cellular x2 knitted x1 fleece x1
Gro Egg Room Thermometer
Still need to get a monitor – looking at Angelcare AC1100 (movement and video)

wpid-20140708_100045.jpg

Bed – Day
Carrycot from Hauck Malibu Pram
Mattress
Fitted pram sheets x2
Flat crib sheets cotton x2 jersey x2
Blankets – cellular x2 knitted x1 fleece x1

Clothing – Day
Bodysuits no sleeves and no legs newborn x3
Bodysuits short sleeves, no legs tiny baby x3 newborn x12 3-6 months x2
Bodysuits long sleeves, no legs newborn x3
Bodysuit short sleeves and legs newborn
Bodysuit long sleeves and legs 3-6 months
Sweatshirt 0-3 months
Tracksuit bottoms newborn x2
Cardigans hand knitted x2
Wool hats hand knitted x2
Cotton hat
Scratch mitts x3
Booties hand knitted x2 newborn x1
Socks x4


Clothing – Night
Sleepsuits long arms and legs with feet newborn x4
Sleeping bag he won’t be sleeping in this right away as it is quite thick for summer (2.5 tog) 0-6 months

wpid-20140708_103612.jpg 

Feeding
Bibs
Muslin Squares

Bathing
Baby bath
Towels
Talc
Baby shampoo
Baby lotion
Baby moisturiser
Nail clippers and scissors
I am looking at getting a bath thermometer as I am terrible at judging temperature!

Changing
Changing Mat
Pampers Nappies size 1 size 2
I plan on using reusable nappies, however I think I’ll have enough to deal with for the first few weeks
Barrier cream
Nappy bags
Cotton wool
Baby wipes

Toys
Hand knitted “Bunny”
TY Beanie Pluffie Penguin
Cow and Gate Cow
I still need to get him a little ‘first’ toy that is small enough for him to hold
He will need a ‘tummy time’ mat

Antenatal Class One – Normal Labour and Birth

I booked my course of two antenatal classes a few weeks ago, it’s recommended they are taken from around 32 weeks, but I am now 35 weeks so was starting to feel a bit nervous about making sure that I get to attend them before my little man makes his appearance. We couldn’t book them any earlier as Jacksons dad was adamant that he wanted to attend the second class and he was working on all the earlier dates.

I decided when we broke up that Jacksons dad wouldn’t be attending the first class because he isn’t going to be my birth partner. It doesn’t seem we can go 5 minutes without arguing these days and as such he isn’t ideal as someone to keep me calm during labour. The other reason is that he lives 30 miles away, so in terms of ensuring he is there on time it would be more difficult to guarantee. My mum will be my birth partner, and attended the class with me. She only lives 15 minutes away and therefore should be able to get to me in time. I assume Jacksons dad will want to be there to see his son being born, but it is entirely up to him and not something we have discussed yet, but it will be purely to see his son, my mum will be supporting me and as such it was important to me that she came to the class so she knew what was happening as things have changed a lot in the last 20 years!

At the class there were 8 pregnant women, some with partners, mums and sisters, and some on their own sat on chairs round in a semicircle. There was a midwife and a student midwife running the class, and the midwife started by explaining what she would be covering during the session – it felt very much like school! She then asked it we were all due next month, and there was a slight pause as we all realised it was now July and a sudden moment of realisation for all of us that yes we were due next month!

They started the session by telling us about the later stages of pregnancy and that mood swings are perfectly natural – large amounts of hormones in the body and a massive life event looming is bound to affect us somehow – maybe this explains why I’ve been feeling quite so worried recently. They also told us that increased discharge is natural and can sometimes feel like peeing yourself or your waters breaking, however the substance is different so it’s easy to tell.

They then asked if anyone had packed their hospital bag – some had, some hadn’t. They told us a few things to make sure we included, and that we don’t need to bring a mass of nappies, just two or three, as it is something the hospital has spares of (that has just freed up half my suitcase!)

They then moved onto signs that precede labour, for example, spurts of energy that are also called nesting, stomach upsets and diarrhoea. They then moved onto saying that labour tends to start with losing the mucus plug which is also called a show, and this tends to be followed (not necessarily immediately – sometimes days later) by contractions. It is apparently very unusual for labour to start with the waters breaking as is often shown in films. But when the waters do finally go they should be straw coloured, (not greeny black which is caused by the baby pooping. This could be a sign of distress and you should tell the hospital). Contractions won’t start off regular, but will eventually get closer together and more regular, unlike Brixton hicks (which I have not experienced) which remain irregular. Apparently another way to distinguish them is that moving around can stop Braxton hicks, but will encourage contractions.

Something that I didn’t realise before the class was that the cervix is a tube and that the earliest stages of labour is the tube shortening before it starts to open.

In terms of going in to the hospital they told us that the contractions need to be about 4-5 minutes apart before you go in as at that point you reach about 4cm dilated and go into established labour, apparently before this point the contractions may stop completely and you can go back out of labour, maybe for days. They also told us not to worry that your contractions slow down when you do finally go into hospital as the hormones that cause stress can suppress labour, but when you relax again they will probably come back.

The next thing they discussed was pain relief and after listening to the pros and cons of all of them I have decided I am going to be very limited in what I will have! They told us to start off with paracetamol and a warm bath – I have been avoiding taking paracetamol all pregnancy as I’m not sure how it reacts with the Asprin I am taking daily. The next step up was a tens machine. Unfortunately my hospital doesn’t supply them as I have read some hospitals do, so it is necessary to privately hire them for around £30. After tens is gas and air, I will give this a go again, though last time I passed out from using it. We asked the midwife at the end how common this was and how likely it was to happen again and she reassured me it was unlikely to happen again. After gas and air came Pethidine which can have effects on the baby’s feeding up to a week after birth, and then they talked about epidurals. I pretty much stopped listening at this point as I know I don’t want one and if I have to have one for some reason I’d rather know as little as possible about it – though I know I’d rather have a general than an epidural!

Apparently they don’t tend to actually examine women unless they need to, they can normally tell just from looking at them how far gone they are!

Birthing positions were discussed too – from watching One Born Every Minute I’d assumed that it was likely that giving birth happened on a bed, but the midwife was adamant that that wasn’t going to happen! Lying on your back pushes the base of your spine into the area that baby’s head needs to come out therefore making labour difficult. A suggestion she came up with was pushing on the toilet. Apparently as you are used to straining on the loo it feels natural (she did reassure us that they put a bedpan in the loo just incase the midwife doesn’t catch!) this made the whole class giggle!

They explained that once baby is born they try to get them onto mums chest/tummy (depending on the length of the cord) as quickly as possible as they recognise the smell and can then find the nipple. They also talked about delayed cord clamping and how it can be left attached to baby for as long as you like, then you can decide whether to deliver the placenta naturally (can take about an hour and may cause additional bleeding) or to have an injection which makes the placenta deliver in about 10 minutes.

They ended the class at the point that the baby has been placed on the mothers chest and next week we are going from that point and through the first week of life.

Overprotective

I suppose it was always to be expected after losing my last pregnancy that I would be overprotective about this one, but I don’t think I could ever have known how much that would affect my day to day life.
I analyse everything that I do – read up about it, check all ingredients etc.
I do the simple and obvious things, I avoid alcohol, caffeine, raw eggs (avoiding raw cake mix is a killer when making a cake!) and all the other common knowledge things. This isn’t anything different or new, I did this in my last pregnancy too. But there are other things, less normal, less rational things.
During my last pregnancy I was driving 65miles a day commuting to and from work, during this pregnancy I worry when I have to drive 5miles. Driving had nothing to do with me losing my baby, there is no rational reason for this, but even when I get a lift with someone else I spend the entire journey braced stiffly in my seat with my seatbelt held away from my tummy just incase we crash and when I’m driving I dread starting off, drive so carefully people probably hate me, and breathe a massive sigh of relief when I get out of the car.
That’s not the most ridiculous – I wake many times during the night, not because I’m uncomfortable, not because I need the loo, but to check I am sleeping in the right positions, that I’m not on my back, that I’m not accidentally doing something to endanger my baby.
I refuse to move out of my bed in the morning until I have felt him move. I will lie there sometimes for half an hour or more talking to him just waiting for him to move and reassure me that he survived the night. Every morning.
Life has taken on a new angle during this pregnancy. Doing what I want doesn’t matter any more (I suppose this is good practise for him arriving), but if it’s not safe for baby then I won’t risk it. I am terrified of everything going wrong, no, I’m terrified of everything. I’m terrified of losing another baby and I’m terrified of it being my fault.
I know that when he is born I will continue worrying but about a whole new set of things, that I won’t let him out of my sight and that I will check on him very 5 minutes when he’s asleep, but I cannot wait for this new set of challenges.

Denial

I think I’ve gone into denial that I am going to be having a baby in a few short weeks time!
It’s crazy!
I am so used to having a bump that I now pass it off as normal, and don’t associate the movements I am feeling with an actual baby that will soon be on the outside! I talk to Jackson, my boy, little man, but don’t picture him as any more than a bump!
It’s only when I look at my pram, all set up and waiting do I suddenly have a jolt of realisation that soon there will be a baby in there, mine, my son, my responsibility, I’ll be his mummy, his future will be down to me.
Half my mind wants him out, knows that while he is still inside me that there is a chance that something will go wrong, my blood will clot, and he will die. I want him safe. My brain acknowledges that, but at the same time, while he is inside me I know how to look after him, I know what I’m doing. When he’s out I won’t have a clue what to do. I’m hoping nature will kick in at that point, that maternal instinct will help me, but at the same time, not allowing myself to believe I was pregnant for 30 weeks wasn’t helpful, and the fact my brain seems to have gone into denial again just 4 weeks later is even less so!

Bump Photos

I’m just plain big now so growth isn’t so obvious, however it is noticeable from the photos that I am still growing from week to week. Only 6 weeks to go now – phew. The stretch marks are getting uncomfortable and Jackson is obviously running out of room from the amount of times he kicks me in the ribs and sticks his bum out making my bump an incredibly strange shape!

27/06/14 34 weeks

27/06/14
34 weeks

 

21/06/14 33 weeks 1 day

21/06/14
33 weeks 1 day

 

18/06/14 32 weeks 5 days

18/06/14
32 weeks 5 days

 

10/06/14 31 weeks 4 days

10/06/14
31 weeks 4 days

  • An 'Angel Baby' is a baby lost during pregnancy or early childhood, who sleeps in the clouds instead of our arms.

    A 'Rainbow Baby' is a baby born following the loss of an 'Angel Baby', a beacon of hope after a storm, while not denying the storm happened.

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