99% of the photos taken of Jackson have been taken on my phone. Does this matter?

No, not to me.

I charged up my camera before he was born, but he was 4 weeks old before I even remembered to use it. It comes as second nature to me to use my phone – it’s never far from my hand and is so quick to use I can capture little moments that would otherwise be lost if I had to go and hunt down and turn on my camera. Honestly though I think my phone camera is as good if not better than my actual camera!

In Jacksons 8 months I have taken a staggering amount of photos. I filled my phone in 2 months and had to download them! I have captured so many images that I’ll never get a chance to capture again. Unlike previous generations with film cameras we can snap and snap to get that perfect shot and not just shoot and hope.

I have taken some photos that I am incredibly proud of. Photos that capture Jackson at his quietest, happiest, naughtiest, messiest moments, moments that cannot be recreated in a studio, but am I a photographer? No!

I have so far taken Jackson for two shoots with a professional photographer, once at 4 weeks old and once at 8 months. I am planning a future shoot at a year old and then atleast once a year until he’s 18 (and maybe more) these photos are so different to those that I am able to capture, they’re in a totally different league! They are a bit more staged but they capture a different side of him.

I feel that by having fairly regular photo shoots with him and capturing every single thing with my phone camera I am capturing as much as possible of his life. Barely a day goes by that I don’t take a photo and I am periodically printing out a selection of these to put in an album.

I really love looking back at these old photos and remembering when they were taken and marvelling at just how small he once was. I also cannot wait to have some professional photos up on my walls, all I need to do is choose some frames!

Every so often it is necessary to stop and consider your life, and today is one of those days for me.

Ever since I was little I imagined being a stay at home mum like my mum was, giving my children all the love and time in the world.

When I found my ex we shared that vision and he could afford to support it and with the belief that I could give my children the childhood I wanted to give them we tried for a baby. Sadly that relationship came to an end almost a year ago when I was 7 months pregnant with Jackson leaving me heavily pregnant and unemployed!

I have enjoyed the last 9 months, watching Jackson growing up literally before my eyes, but with all my mummy friends now considering returning to work after maternity leave I am now questioning what I want to do.

Honestly though, I hadn’t really thought about it up until now. Not practically.

I’d been assuming I’d stay at home until Jackson went to school and then I’d find myself a job or study, but I’d never looked into what I could do or what was expected.

All I want is to do what’s best for my son. I don’t want to rely on his grandparents to look after him, even part time, as their time with him should be fun and a choice not a necessity and they have their own lives too, but I’d never be able to afford enough childcare to do full time – nor would I want to because honestly I want my son to grow up knowing me not a nursery.

So here I am, torn between wanting what I believe is best for my son, and what I can afford, and needing to do a lot more research before I finally decide what I want to and can do.

I approached weaning at 6 months with excitement and enthusiasm, planning meals for him and buying in lots of random, fresh ingredients, but in the last 3 months that excitement has faded and now gone.

It started positively trying babyled weaning, finger foods and an entire range of food, from carrot to avocado to brioche. But I slowly realised that he was barely eating anything, not having got the hang of swallowing, just mushing it up and throwing it on the floor.

I then tried spoon feeding him which again started positively, but he soon got fed up of that and started refusing food. I varied the range of food I was feeding him making more purées and porridges but he would just clamp his mouth shut and turn his head refusing food, I was still offering him some finger foods and it seemed that after the first few days of spoon feeding that he had got the hang of swallowing so was actually getting something from his finger foods.

This placated me for a couple of months, I kept up with finger foods, though not quite the variety of those first few weeks, but I started to notice that the amount I was giving him wasn’t increasing, and he still wasn’t eating much of what he was given. I then started making the purées again he started off eating whole pots of them but quickly lost interest again. At this point I was dispairing, making new meals for him each day to only have them refused.

I didn’t know what to do to get more food into him, so my mum tried to feed him and HE ATE THE WHOLE BOWL! I tried the same food the next day and he refused again! Mum tried and he ate it – what was going on?! She fed him for the next couple of days, and I was considering hiring my mum as official baby feeder, when I tried him the next day he opened his mouth and ate for me!

This has continued for the last few days, he seems to eat 1/2-whole weetabix for breakfast then a pot of purée with baby rice for lunch and some kind of mash for tea. Now I’ve said this he is going to stop, I can just tell, but if it continues I can see my enthusiasm for weaning coming back again as I just love to see him enjoy his food!

Some of you may have seen my tweets the other day about a photo I sent my friends and the comments that they replied with.

Here we are just incase you missed it:

I had always just assumed my friends were OK with breastfeeding, I mean I do it infront of them without even thinking, but maybe not? I hadn’t even really registered that I was feeding before I sent the picture, I saw me having snuggles with my son, and I expected oohs and awws now ewws, and their comments both shocked and upset me.

Since seeing that I was upset by it one of my friends has apologised and said that it was only a joke and taking the mick. I get that, don’t get me wrong, I do still have a sense of humour, I promise! And I knew right from the start that some of the comments were exaggerations on a point, but, and I think this is the crux of my argument, the point was still there! The point that my friends saw boob, that that was what shone out of that picture instead of my son snuggling with his mummy.

At what point scrolling down the following pictures does your mindset change from ‘aww natural’ to ‘hehe boob’ or maybe worst of all ‘eww put it away’.

I was terrified to breastfeed to start with. I wasn’t scared of the pain (though I should have been to start with!) I was scared of what people would think, where they would look and what they would say, where I should do it, and who I should do it infront of.

I went out of the room to latch him on (and then come back once he was on) for the first month or so – more because he had latching issues and I waved my boob around for 20 minutes each time – yes, if I wasn’t in pain and frustrated I would probably have thought ‘hehe boob’ at that point! But as soon as he got the hang of that I was able to latch him on and feed him in the same room as people, often feeding him for a long time before anyone even noticed!

I took lots of pictures of me feeding him to start with – it was new and exciting and I wanted to show it off and remember it, but as it has become more normal for us I take less photos – I have found the same with weaning – I no longer take photos of every meal!

I am now at a stage where I don’t even think about it any more. I am surrounded by breastfeeding mum friends and we all just do it like its normal, and as long as baby isn’t playing silly beggers it’s so slick that noone sees anything!

I am slightly wary doing it infront of young children I don’t know, not wanting to cause awkward questions for bottlefeeding mummys, and more sadly infront of the older generation, who I worry might want to put a blanket over my head! That said, I may turn away, but I won’t move away. But I generally assume that my generation is OK with it, that it’s almost normal now, the way it should be, like a cow feeding its calf, but maybe I was wrong in thinking that other people think the same as me, maybe I am forcing it on other people and maybe they would rather I didn’t do it infront of them. Maybe I should think harder about who I feed infront of?
I see it as a perfectly natural thing to do, and have always been determined to do it, but that doesn’t mean I wouldn’t be upset if I was confronted about it. I suppose that the older Jackson gets the more unusual it is for me to still be breastfeeding him, so maybe the more odd looks and comments I will get, but I have also grown in confidence and met some amazing and supportive people along my breastfeeding journey.

I wouldn’t change my decision to breastfeed for the world, and would encourage any new mums to atleast try. I know its hard and it doesn’t suit everyone, but there are so many benefits to it that it is totally worth everything, but unfortunately there are people out there that will challenge you, that will think its wrong, that will make you feel awkward and upset you, but as one of my friends on Facebook said to me:
“I make milk, what’s your superpower?!”

Jackson is now 9 months old!

Blimey!

He has been outside as long as he was growing inside me! (I actually had him at 38 weeks 3 days)

When on earth did that happen?!? I’ve been blissfully carrying on and it’s not until milestones like this are reached that I realise just how far we have come!

I had a worrying, stressful, eventful pregnancy, but throughout it all I had an end goal, to hold a breathing squirming, kicking baby in my arms. I hadn’t really thought of much beyond that!

People told me before he was born that it would all go quickly so to cherish every second, but I think like most people I didn’t know quite how fast time would go. It seems 5 minutes since I had him, yet it also seems like he’s been here forever!

But now I look back at photos of him as a newborn and I can no longer remember him being so tiny, I can’t remember him not rolling over and crawling. He’s changing so fast and my brain can’t keep up, it can’t archive everything it’s seen fast enough so it’s all being overwritten, or at least that’s how it feels. I just hope those memories are still in there somewhere and I can find them again when I have long enough to sit down and think! I hope I can remember this amazing 9 months. I have watched my son grow and develop and I have even changed myself in unexpected ways.

We are still at the beginning of this adventure, but we have come so far already, and I can’t wait to discover the rest of it holding his hand.

I should be asleep but I find myself just lying here staring at my son!

This isn’t a rare occurrence either! I regularly find myself looking at him, totally unable to believe he came from me! That this tiny human who is half me (though looking at him you’d think I performed a magic trick with my DNA and he’s all me!) who is growing and developing so quickly is my son, my responsibility, mine!

I’ve spent 99.9% of the last 9 months with him! And when I haven’t been with him I’ve been in the same building (apart from two evenings out) in the last 9 months of my life he has become my life so completely I can’t imagine life without him! I can’t imagine a second without him!

This is a love you cannot describe, you cannot imagine until you experience and a love that still catches you unaware every so often and takes your breath away!

I bought my house before I met my ex, and well before I’d even considered children, luckily I bought the biggest house I could afford at the time so therefore it is plenty big enough to accomodate Jackson as he grows, and possibly even a sibling (or two at a squeeze!).

I did everything to my house, it needed rewiring, new central heating, replastering, new woodwork, new kitchen, new bathrooms, and even walls building, and it was incredible to do. I saw my house rise from the dust and I have loved finally getting to live in it for the last year.

I am a total perfectionist, and I had planned for white walls and minimal ‘stuff’, however, there have been some things that I have had to accept since Jackson came into my life.

Firstly, ‘stuff’ and babies just go hand in hand, it’s just a fact. If it’s not a first bath to clutter the bathroom, it’s a mountain of toys to rival Everest. Baby clothes litter many rooms and socks disappear under the sofa to be found weeks later (after I have given them up for lost and bought more) by an inquisitive cat!

Worse than the ‘stuff’ which, given adequate cupboards could be cleared away, are the little accidents – my walls have gained knocks and marks from health visitors carrying large scales and they’ve been kissed on occasion by little mouths. Nappy leaks have led to slightly yellow patches on my carpets, and snot trails on my sofas are just the norm now, I don’t even notice them anymore, much to the horror of guests I am sure! My woodwork has had things knocked into and I’ve had to just suck it up, knowing that my nice fresh house is just being lived in, and that this is what it was for.

I have mellowed a bit, wanting pictures of Jackson on my walls, meaning drilling – shock horror, though I am yet to actually put these up – searching for the perfect frame, oh come on, I haven’t mellowed that much!

But the bits that have hurt the most was putting up stairgates – how stupid is that! They’re totally necessary and I can’t not have them, but drilling into my fresh plasterwork and most painfully my woodwork did make me cringe!

I love my house, and honestly, with every little thing that we do to it, necessary or cosmetic it is feeling more and more like mine and Jacksons home, so I wouldn’t have it any other way!